thought i might die tonight
am surprised to see myself still normally alive -
through the loopy tracks of a roller coaster panic attack
i thought mostly of you
so i could calm myself down
(also thought of all the food i was stuffing in my mouth
to keep me busy, keep me distracted
probably gained that six pounds back already)
anyway,
you're a good guy to dream about

dreaming of finding an empty pool one day
and i'll watch boys skate in it, my feet dangling over the edge
and i'll squeal like a ***** when they all convince me to try dropping in myself
and at night maybe we'll all have sleeping bags on the bottom
12 ft deeper underground
looking at stars
(if no one else was around, you'd **** my brains out)

i know i always talk about my shaky vision
but tonight i am still seeing things out of the corner of my eye
(i wish you were in my peripheral instead)
(wish i could rest into your shoulder and sleep for days)

make life about spontaneous, soul-screaming youth
before time gives you wrinkles and youth forgets about you

stop thinking about life's pointlessness
remember when you taught me how to skate off a curb
and it took me ages, i was such a ***** about it
but i finally did it
and we leaned against the bricks
and it started to sprinkle, i think
but you still kissed me before we walked out of the rain

i hope i skate with you again, i hope i'm not so afraid this time,
i hope you'll still kiss me in the middle of the day

sometimes when you're delirious, shirt off, still looking at the ceiling instead of at a screen,
you suggest things we could do
and sometimes i mistake the suggestions for things you think we should do,
so now i try not to take coulds too seriously
because ideas are not plans.

whatever happens,
-i will remember the time we hiked off the path and laid beneath the trees just before a storm
you took my glasses off and the leaves blended together
(we weren't sure we'd find our way back)
-i will remember the time you casually tried to find a sturdy log to kiss me on
pretending the plan wasn't to get me rustled in the dirt anyway.
on the walk to the car, you tripped me into your arms
i giggled, you smiled
and you looked so great with the sun shining through your hair
-i will remember holding back "i love you"s in your bed sheets

sometimes things get blurry and i stand up dizzy,
wondering in what world this might feel like reality
and when i turn around or focus back in on what i like to look at most
it's still his hands
so i'm not just dreaming, right?
every mixed signal or forehead to desk kind of day
makes me wonder how much life counts when you're wishing it away