when i'm next to you in your bed and i'm not even tired
it's usually no problem getting to sleep
when i'm ******* exhausted on my couch by myself,
i toss and turn for hours

this is *******

i'd like to delete everything i've ever written
exchange it for something more poetic,
like a code he'll never figure out, but keeps trying to
like a picture of a lighter being held close to my wrist
but we all know i can't bring myself to let flame touch skin
like a wish
that i'd never learned to write or think or feel
in the first place

not sure about much
not sure about anything, really
not sure of the last time you weren't floating around my head
wish I thought of myself as much as I think of you

****

being 18 will not last
and i know relationships hardly do in this situation
(even if we want them to)
because we will "grow up" and leave
and everyone will tell us it'd be stupid to not head in opposite directions
but ******* i like heading into your arms
and
what is so wrong with that

I'm not sure I ever loved him
I loved who I thought he was
I loved the idea of love
I loved the comfort
but it couldn't have been love
because his eyes never made me feel the way
yours do

(love is terrifying, not comfortable. love is tender and soft but horrifying)
(love is knowing this will hurt but convincing yourself it is worth it)

love is when you whisper in my ear something like, "I'm just trying to explain how much I like you. I like you sooo much. I could live with you. I just want to kiss you and talk with you and just lay with you if you don't feel like talking, I want to adventure with you. I just....I don't know."

Maybe love isn't real, and who cares
your "I don't know" is enough for me

I don't know either

I've never felt so insignificant in my life
Like just another leaf on a tree
Another dog in the park
Another cloud in the sky

I was going to end it at one poem,
that one sentence (i swear)
but something about your hands tonight were magical
i've never wanted someones contact so constantly
just skin on skin, eyes on ******* eyes
just let me see you
and feel you
be around you
know you exist
you ******* know i exist.
-
human connection is more important than tornadoes
than earthquakes
than tsunamis and mudslides
human connection makes dying worth a wait