I have ripped myself apart in front of almost everyone I know
I have wiped my blood on dance floors
and spread it across the stage
and still they believe me when I say
it wasn't me who cut myself
(even with my habit of self-destruction)

it's so easy to look sad on stage
and so easy to act happy

all of my sunglasses are too big for my face
and some of my shirts lie uncomfortably across my torso
and i flip myself off every time I look into a mirror
I have nothing to prove to anyone
and none of this means a thing

you're so cool and i can't even skateboard off a curb

why do you even think about my eyes?
(I think about yours sometimes too)

my mind is static
is it possible to go blind by trying desperately to keep my eyes open
so they can reassure my brain that I am okay
I am okay
okay
okay
I don't feel very okay,
and my eyes are not seeing anything okay, either

I often daydream of peeling off my own flesh
to let my muscles breathe

or sometimes of slitting my wrists
to let myself be mean to me
to bleed on forever,
until my hair is as long as this day has felt

and occasionally (maybe more than I'll admit)
I daydream of holding a new hand

It's 4am and I am hungry but ignoring it
I am failing but ignoring it
I have put my dreams into the back pocket of jeans that are a little too big for me now
because things have changed
(me especially)

It's 4am and I am not sure I care if I fail or succeed
what would make me a failure, anyway
and whose terms am I living on?

I can lie all I want,
but you know who I'm not lying to anymore?
Myself.
I know what I want now.
I know what kind of life I want to live.
I know it may not be successful, and it may not have very many people who stay in it for long,
but I think I am finally starting to like who I am
(and know who I am)
and as long as I have myself on my side
what's the worst that can happen?