i find no comfort here in the four walls i’ve always called home

home is where the heart is but mine’s long gone

my heart throbbed until my chest couldn’t take it
and it tore itself in half to quiet its beat
my heart is not whole anymore
this is not home anymore
and i wish it was possible to leave

leave the locked doors
the closed blinds
the sealed windows

leave the darkness that consumes me
and you
and the secrets we’ve kept since we learned to speak

i’d love to leave it all behind me

walk out the door
open the blinds
feel the wind rush through the windows
allow the sun to touch my skin and see me, feel me
the real me

but where would i go, i have no home

so instead i stay

stay locked up
stay closed
stay sealed

instead i stay and don’t take care of me,

inside these four walls
i’ve let my heart quiet
so not even i can hear its beat

the first night
I sat in my bed
blaming myself
for your absence
my hands held my head
and my mind swirled
until my eyes
were too heavy to stay awake

the second night
I paced
paced back and forth
from the doors
to windows
waiting for your headlights
its 3 a.m. but
my legs grew tired
and my heart felt weak
so I slept on the kitchen floor
waiting

the third night
I smashed your empty bottles
so I could hear them shatter
into thousands of small pieces

I needed to hear something
feel something
I needed to know
I was still alive too

the fourth night
I reminded myself
of your addiction
the disease taking over
your heart
soul
family
when suddenly I remembered
you are the victim
and
who am I to blame

the fifth night
I forgave you
but this time
I forgave you
for me

I shrink until I am smaller than the bottle you sip from
Your lips feel the burn of the whiskey
And I feel the wrath of the sadness that has buried itself so deeply within your heart
The burden and the bottle have grown too big
And so I
I shrink to keep the peace