i don't know where to begin
and you'd then say, sarcastically -
at the beginning

time is a lie but
emotions are not

defining
memories
shaping me gradually
i am a sculpture
made of stone

often i feel brittle but i
know i am strong

in four years i have
grown tremendously
become better
happier
bolder

not perfect but getting there

in the summer heat i will
grow again
turn into my better self
welcome a future full of
hope

thank you for nine months
four times
of self-inflicted horror
and i am sorry i have
not fully appreciated the gifts
you have given me

these warmer months will give
me time to ruminate

my blood cells are
volts of electricity
supercharged
each time the sun comes out

my eyes are too sensitive
for anything brighter than
a mile-deep cave

i regret not getting those fancy
sunglass lens when i last
refreshed my prescription

everything is too much right now
and i really want to take a nap

my card is the fool
i think
i never really got into stuff like that
but this feels right

conversations with me trail off
minutes long at most
million things left unsaid
because i'm really really
terrible at articulating my thoughts

if i could i would give you the sun
but i can't
so this song will have to suffice
for now

and i hope soon i can make your day
because when you smile
the sun gets a little bit brighter
and time slows down a little bit
and talking gets a little easier
and my feet feel a little bit lighter

i know you're a socialite
and i'm a socialite for you
i think three's a crowd
to be absolutely honest

the rain on my brow is a shield
before which wind wakes whirls of dirt
and dust catches on my well-worn shoes,
soles sliced by the pedals on my bicycle,
sharpened instead of dulled by two generations of use

the arches above my head are the ribs of an umbrella
but drops cut at an angle as if the notion of striking
the ground before kissing my skin is simply too
much to consider

so under this canopy four years has stretched
into six hundred, the crash of minutes slipping away
muted by the wolves in my brain and until this pathway is
finished with me i will never know peace

when i was smaller i was very aware of how
a better, older me would look back
and look down
with malice and shame and see
what a pitiful creature. i. was.

at the time i was the sole object
of my own derision, a grim facsimile
of a human boy, and as i aged myself
in my mind i grew bigger and stronger
and meaner and more beautiful
and i. feared. him.

if i were to meet the boy i was four years
ago he would hate me, sweating under a
black balaclava, laces tied thrice to avoid
getting caught in the gears on his bike, helmet
on his belt, utterly ready. to. run.

i am glad i am not him anymore and
he. knows. it.

i built a hair trigger **** switch
on our union without really
meaning to

i'm too careful
or terrified
depending on my mood

i'm sorry you have to deal
with my mood swings and
my lingering depression

i can't stop reminding you that
the sun brings out the best in me
and that if we are just a little more
patient everything will be better

i'm done waiting

i need the summer now

approval or disapproval
whispered yet louder
than an ocean in my ears

i realize i've shut my eyes
lips brush skin
pupils as the night sky
hands are lazy but
keen

silver hair
parted mouth
captivating