Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside

A pill for the pain,
Two for the lies.
Three for the smiles,
I have to hide behind.
Four for the times,
When you weren't there.
Five for the reason,
I no longer care.
Ten for the scars,
Twenty for the abuse.
Thirty more for my pitiful excuse.
Forty for my friends,
Fifty for my family.
A promise to them,
That I was never really happy.
Sixty for the thoughts,
Of ending my life.
Seventy just out of spite.
Eighty for being lost,
Ninety for you not seeing.
Ninety-eight for you,
And darling?
One hundred for me.