I am as unpredictable as the ocean, I can turn on you in an instance with no cause or reason. My heart often lacks enough trust to hold a conversation and my eyes grow weary when exposed to too much sorrow. If i could take a thousand needles and press them into the palms of my hands to feel something, I would, but for now I am just numb. And with the numbness comes a dire sense that my life is slipping through my fingertips like sand and I can do nothing more but watch it as it crumbles.
I hate every inch of myself of late, from the roots of my hair to my little toe. I hate all that is inside me, including the stardust in my bones and the ***** blood sweeping through me, this heart beats but it's broken and it has no rhythm; It is an old truck worn from years of hard use and I fear it will give out soon, I cannot re-fuel myself, I cannot re-make myself. I can only sit in silence and smile to my peers to make them think that I will get through this.
But their whispers I can hear, and they know I will not.

scientists have said
humans are the only
organisms able to
express their thoughts,
but i often find that
to be untrue.

if people could
directly communicate
their emotions and feelings
i would know what is
happening
between me
and you.

I love the way you look in the moonlight that filters in through the window
(I love the simple fact that you are here with me in the moonlight)

Your hair smells amazing
(I inhale you every chance I get in every state you are in and hold it in my lungs because I want it to intoxicate me)

Your hair looks fantastic
(it floats downward from the top of your brilliant mind and cascades like your thoughts, pours like your words in our half-drunk midnight conversations)

Your smile is so pretty
(when you smile at me it lights me up and makes me feel, if even for an instant in this time of my life that is so shambled and broken, whole)

Can I have a hug?
(hold me, embrace me, envelope me, if only to let me know you are real)

Let’s go to bed
(where I can confuse physical love with emotional, take refuge in confirming our relationship with *** because it’s easier than risking my whole trust, easier than leaving myself bare before you with the certainty that one day, eventually, you will tear my heart out and crush it)

No, that’s ridiculous. Why would you say that?
(I’m terrified that you know me so well)

I don’t think I can make it tonight
(I’m terrified that you know me so well)

Can’t we talk?
(I get it, you backed away because I did but I’m going to blame you because I can’t blame myself, don’t you see? Can’t you see how utterly self-absorbed I am but also woefully lacking self-confidence? I refuse to share any of this with you, I can’t let you know it but if you saw it I’d acknowledge it, at least I think I will, and you know me so well so why can’t you see it)

I don’t think we should see each other anymore
(please, please, please make me realize how utterly foolish I am. Please slap me and scream at me)

Say something
(your total lack of reaction destroys me more than anything)

You look really pretty
(so beautiful, majestic, magnificent and I love you. I love the tears I have made you cry so silently and I hate myself so much for this moment because of that. I love you and only now as you walk away do I realize it)

Fine. Go.
(the ease with which you leave is painful and will linger for years)

…
(Please stop walking, please. I was wrong. Please.)