note to self
to never bring you
up to her again
your significance
i could see
through her eyes
her heart freeze
and then lost sight
because those blue eyes
froze over as well
she radiates with warmth
but by the mere mention of your name
she freezes
what did you do
to cause such thick ice
to cover her heart?

i guess honestly
what i've been waiting for
in this harsh winter
is the sun.
and the constant
cool breeze.
spring is on it's way
and nostalgia
i think what it is most
is the slightly
frozen air
but thaw enough
to make me smile.
rather than sputter.

i'm one
small piece away
from giving you the bird
and letting myself
swan dive
over the cliff
to the oblivion.
what's the use
with all you people
if none of you care.
this is my anger showing
i hope you see it
read it
and weep.

there are certain things--
mostly your smile..
that i want to capture
in a jar.
use it to light up
those dark nights
where i'm up with the stars, crying.
where a rift has started
within the fibers of my being
threatening to slowly tear
myself apart.
piece by piece
i'll give away
to those i think deserve.
i'd save my heart for you.
but i'm not sure you'd want it.
it's darkened over the years,
and it's cracked
and broken
with quick fix
compromises and repairs
with faulty glue
band aids
and cheap tape.

i want to capture your smile
and use it to light up those nights
so i'll have more time
to repair my heart
for you.

i feel like
my body
is aligning
with the stars.
and i'm just losing myself.
i need an anchor,
before i fly to outer space
to become one with the stars
and shatter.
i need something to hold on to
so why can't that
something
just be
your
hand?

i'm nervous
because i showed you a poem today.
what if you find all my poems?
each poem i write about you
is a small letter.
written for you,
but never will i tell you.
i'm afraid, after showing you it
you'll find me.
and read your secret letters.

i'm calling
the time of death
3 March 2014
9:25:30.
my poems
are going to be
much darker
very soon.
i can sense
the depression
bubbling,
tar fingers
reaching
grasping
dragging
and i will fall.
i see no way
to get around it
i accept it
i will fall
and just like the other times
i don't know if i'll get up.
i can only just hope
that things
will get better.
again.

love
isn't a new concept
it is as old as rage
and sadness
so why do people
treat me like i don't know
i know i'm young
but let me love

it's been five days
and tomorrow will be six
and i'm starting to miss people.

it's a never ending argument within me
to be happy to be out of school
but to sit and wish to be back in school
and out of the people i miss
it's probably you
my dear
that i miss most.

i'm not sure what to say
my words
revolve around
"sure," and "okay,"
i'm not sure what to say
my hope is that song's not about me.
and there's so much more
than being torn
and i hope you learn that.
and i hope you learn that
i'm not the one.

maybe
we could
leave
hand-in-hand
walk to the edge
of the universe
maybe
we would become
stars
locked in the night sky
you'd always be brighter
by the way.

there's an old saying
don't keep secrets
from the ones you love
it kills them.
if it kills them,
then i should see
so many tombstones
reading R.I.P.
curiosity killed me.
satisfaction, i won't give.
satisfaction won't come from my secrets.
satisfaction
relates to something happy
i am not happy
my secrets are not diary crushes
or exciting stories
they are good news.
my secrets are dark
twisted macabre fairy tails
that i give a lackadaisical
approach to writing.
if a secret does slip out
i try to recant
i don't want to see your mood
go saturnine
and your day raze down about you.
there's an old saying
don't keep secrets
from the ones you love
it kills them.
what someone doesn't know
won't **** them.

long sleeves may be
a part of my life for now
but when it's ninety degrees
or hotter outside,
i don't think my excuse of
i'm cold
will no longer apply.

|m.s.

please
if only for a moment
give me your lips
and let's start world war three.
i tell you
i think it's worth it
if only for a moment.
even if i'm minimal face
and long sleeves.

for part of a long time
in part of a long while
i keep thinking
i wouldn't mind
ending up with you.
i'm patient
i'm understanding.
i'm here.
i'm loyal.
i just lack the beauty.

i looked ahead in my calendar planner
to where the year ends
and i wrote:
junior year over.
one more to go.
and summer
but i felt the thickness between those pages from january to june
and a little bit of despair
set over.
that's a long time.

i don't want to go to bed
i don't think i can sleep
because i'll stare
up at my
ceiling
constellations
and think of you.
i just want sleep
be numb from thoughts of you.

i guess it's time
i take a step back
once again
i've come to this decision
to walk away.
i'm coming to realize
that having feelings for you
only hurts.
i know you're not over her.
and i've tried. but this time
i'll try as a true friend
rather than a friend
with hidden intentions.
to you, i shouldn't change much
or at all
but to me, you'll less become
the person i want to hold
to the person i should be holding
differently, all along.

remember the stars
as i have
with dedication.
we live in the city
we forget about the stars
about the spacial blackness
above us.
there is no such thing as
darkness
just the absence of light
and in the city
we have too much of it.
remember the stars
as i have
they aren't hiding
they're being hidden.

this is a reason
why sleeping is better
or doing something mindless
is better.
because any given moment
of too much time on my hands
i'm going to think
and thinking grows ugly quickly.
the mind has a way
to let on to ideas you usually
don't want to think about
and in the next moment
you could be thinking of how to die,
rather than what you'll be doing
in three years.
the mind has a way
to block out the future
and think you won't survive.

i've said
i can't continue to write about you
but i do
somehow the motivation comes back to me
my soul
and i can't help but need to write
about you
and about how i feel about you
because dear
how else to i express how i feel
about you

i've been swept
away by a current
of my own darkness.
i don't have the strength
to hold on to the rocks,
each day i continue
to go farther and farther
down stream.
tomorrow i may
be at the end of the falls.

i have a headache
and maybe
if i were with you
it'd be solved.
because maybe
one glance into your eyes
would heal it.
or even your hands,
holding my face
perhaps a kiss.
maybe you are
the medicine
i need.

i'm sorry
i'm not much help
i know i offered
and i try
but in the end
i just end up watching you
staring.
i know staring isn't kind
but you aren't a stranger
or at least not as much as
you used to be
and i go lengths
to watch.
but when you look at me
i look away.
i know i offered to help
but the truth is
i just wanted
to spend time with you.

i really don't want to
but here i go again with reading
love stories, which will make me
think of possibilities
and hope
and you.

i watched you dance with her.
and i watched you lift her up.
too many things,
too many girls.
i watched you twirl...
i won't ever be winning.

2 a.m.
and i think of how many breaths
your lungs have taken and
i think about your eyelashes and
how they rest against your cheeks.
2 a.m.
and i'm stuck in my ways
of seeing your smile
bright as the sun
beneath my eyelids.
2 a.m.
and where i should be sleeping
but i pass the time,
thinking of you
a bit too much
so i dream
about
you.

i stood outside today,
to get away from you.
winter isn't over.
it continues to snow.
you came to me,
not out of choice,
but to return something.
and i looked into the sky
i refused to acknowledge you
with my eyes.
i didn't want
to change my mind.

i wanted
to become one
with the sky,
away from you.
so you'd see the snow
in resemblance
to how my heart is reacting
to your bipolar climates
of personality.
so you woudln't
see the hollowing look
within my eyes.
i'm tired of this weather.

i told you
something that hadn't been sitting right.
i wanted to throw the words
into your ears.
i wanted to scream them.
so you weren't mistaken.

i told you
words that are meant for you
i don't know if they will change you
i don't expect them to at all.

but i told you
that i was done trying to be your friend,
in a voice hardly above a whisper
as if my own body
was shutting itself down
muting the words into silence.
i let them be spoken.

i told you
i meant it.

you told me
you didn't hear me.
but your eyes across the room
told me otherwise.

it's become apparent to me
my dear, that despite
your words:
"i didn't want to hurt you,
because you're my friend
and i know you care about me."
you know, you are hurting me.
giving me "i don't know"'s.
just tell me already
you're hurting me more
than leading me on.
and i'm starting to grasp the fact
that you may know
but for your sake i cut off
romantic ties.
but god if you would just
stop with the tentative steppings
just please tell me yes or no
don't give into the grey area
please leave it in black and white
and if it ends up splicing my heart
into a few pieces, so be it
because dwelling with the grey
is starting to hurt more.

my dear, today
you took a right turn
away from me
and shocked
i continued on my usual path
when 100% of me
wanted to turn and follow.
friday is approaching fast.

i may have
told how my day went.
and how your name
came up in conversation
more than once,
maybe even more
than five times.
but also, i may have
left out the part
where i leaned my head
on your shoulder
and you put your head
on mine.

the thought of losing
or displacing
one of my poems
does two things.
one is sadness
i lost my poem
i can't write another like it.
the other
or two
is fear.
i'm afraid
what if people find them?
fear is worse.

poetry here
is like a diary
in my hands.
here however
i choose to be more creative
close the distance of complains and whines
open spaces
and forgotten pages
with poems.
and i declare
poetry is how i express myself
without talking to many
here, poetry
is my diary