the strength i have
to hold your hand
is all i need.
because
i promise to stand by you
and hold your hand
and tell you good things.
like i love you
and you're safe with me
because i want you to be happy.
and i want to be happy.
happiness we can achieve together.
what are we waiting for?

that word
"ultimatum"
makes me cringe
and sends me back
a day where
you were my number one.
the day you broke me
for the second time.
but i'm over that.
the word
just brings back
bad memories.

it's been a long time
since this nervous feeling
that coiled about my stomach
in excitement.
my head stretches to the sky,
now in the clouds
but my stomach remains earthbound
a field of flowers
butterflies fluttering.
i can't wait to see you.

i know it's strange
but i couldn't look at you again today
because it's strange.
to have your complete attention.
your eyes are beautiful.
wide and open.
and at those moments
i did glance into them
your eyes,
that image,
will forever be burned within my head
and honestly
i was flustered
to have your complete
and utter attention.
next time you look at me like that
please smile.
by the way
they are too green
not all brown.

i have a headache
and maybe
if i were with you
it'd be solved.
because maybe
one glance into your eyes
would heal it.
or even your hands,
holding my face
perhaps a kiss.
maybe you are
the medicine
i need.

what on earth
am i going to do with you
i hadn't intended to like you
but now i do.
and i guess
what's making me
most nervous
is the idea of telling you.
if only i could just
install courage
and look you in the eyes
and say
i like you.
but most likely
i'd go into panic
even trying to say
those words to you,
or if i did somehow manage
i'd go into panic after.
why does this have to be so difficult?
i just want to say i like you
done.
simple.
i like you.

never mind.
i just can't.
i'm to scared.
panic setting in
t minus five

checking my phone
i say is unhealthy
and to not get my hopes up
i turn it to silent store it in my pocket
so if you do reply
i won't know and it'll look like
i wasn't excited to receive a message from you.

hopes and dreams go
almost as fast as a balloon pops
releasing air
a deadly sigh
before it's thrown away.
i know i can't blame you
but,
the hope swelling in my chest
"popped"
when you said you liked her.

i can't blame you really
i mean i'm just getting to know you.
you pour yourself a drink
and you hand the pitcher to me
and i pour myself a drink as well.
then we switch glasses
concoctions of our souls
and serve each other our lives
on not so silver platters.
and we share secrets.
pinky promise you won't tell
that your lips are tighter than those
who never let go.
because i promise
i won't
and my lips are sealed
almost as tight as the strength i would use
to hold your hand.
but back to the point
i look into your drink
and take a sip.
the words leave your mouth.
"i've liked her forever."
forever.
that's something i don't have.
i can't blame you really.
i mean,
i'm just getting to know you.

i know my body language reads
closed.
the neon sign is shut off.
the sign flipped over.
lights off in my eyes.
discourage to see that
"closed sign."
but can someone just
come in
to this abandoned store
and flip the lights on again?
it may be difficult,
but with an air of hope
and a helping hand and once again
flip over that sign
the long wait of a re-opening
it's been so long.

i hate not having courage
i hate being afraid
i hate not having courage
to call your name.
and maybe
someday
if i'm crazy enough
or if courage
finally installs itself correctly
i'll talk to you.

i see criss-cross
applesauce
cross hash marks
in your skin
as if you tried to draw into yourself
the pain and sorrow
and i see it
the drawing you've etched
it brings tears to my eyes
and a cold hand about my heart
because i understand.
i've drawn too.

we walked down the hall
laughing
honestly i couldn't of been
more happier
or more content
if being with you
causes this much happiness
let happiness ensue
i want to be with you.

today you didn't
put your arm
around me
because i reminded you
to grab your jacket
and it took my place
in your arms.

i get restless
sitting in my desk
the clock is barely visible
from my seat
so i tap my foot
my fingers
tap tap tap
i've complained about
the clock before
clock just ring.

i find myself
doing things
or saying things
that you do.
and it may be
because i've spent
so much time with you
and you're worn on me
leaving fingerprints on my skin
as well as bruises
but that's my fault as much as yours
and i've buried my face in your shoulder
and i've inhaled
your scent remains in my lungs
i'm not even surprised
when i do or say something
you do.

when i crawl into bed
i get a feeling
of intense longing
for you to be beside me
and four pillows
and six blankets
doesn't make up
for the heat
your body
could provide
next to mine.

you said you would never
hurt me
but you did
but i know now
what happened
and i cried
but i won't tell you.
just laugh jokingly when i declare
"i thought you were mad!"
"i thought i did something wrong!"
both understatements
i looked into worse case scenarios
harvesting ideas in my thoughts
and let it plague me.
you responded of course not
and you put your arm around me
and held me close
and indeed
i felt safe.
just like you
want me to be.

i couldn't even ask for a hug
when i really needed one.
my courage lacks
in areas like so
and i can't seem to
bribe the words
to leave my mouth
so my dear
i won't ask for hugs no longer
even though i usually need one.

i'm alone
developing if you say
another world
everyone else eons ahead of me
i guess not eons, but three our four years
i guess you could say
i'm not good enough
even though some will argue
to a certain point i'm telling the truth.
and i'm so lonely.
so lonely.

dear
how many poems
about wednesday
will i write
before i get across to you
that i hate them.
because
you know.
but a few,
apparently
so for now let me sit
in the abandoned waiting room
waiting you to call my name
and thrusday to come.

note to self
to never bring you
up to her again
your significance
i could see
through her eyes
her heart freeze
and then lost sight
because those blue eyes
froze over as well
she radiates with warmth
but by the mere mention of your name
she freezes
what did you do
to cause such thick ice
to cover her heart?

i see
blue
doom and gloom
i wanted to remain
sleeping.
today
i see somber sober versions
of my life
when yesterday
life was colourful until
somehow you were gone.
i saw your sister in the halls,
and the hue increased
today i usher the clock to go slower.
do i want to talk to you?

i stumbled through
the door
of the grey area
and i feel shoved back through
and you added a lock
this time
you told me you pushed
people who care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but to not have
"permission"
to talk to you?
says the yellow exclamation mark
when i tried to say
"hello sir fancy"
broke me and instead of
reaching for the lock
i backed up, and turned my head.

my dear
you were gone today
and i write you poems
in hopes you are okay
and feeling healthy.
they're my 11:11 wishes
again but this time
they aren't for me.
i wish and i guess
hope you are okay.

sometimes i consider
the lines of woe
on my arm
as semi-permanent medals
upon my skin
i consider them medals
due to the fact
i've survived up to this long.

but
i'm also ashamed
i guess i'm a two way street
as well as a two way mirror
and i'm ashamed about these
lines of woes,
i can't make up my mind
it's a up and down
of confidence and hating myself
and often i find myself at cross roads
on whether to take the plunge
or back up and leave my toes
hanging off the edge.

a two way mirror
i hear fists banging
on the inside of my skull
how dare i try to let myself escape.
let me suit back up in quietness
and go back to being alone
become part of the foundation
i'm here to hold you up
but no to a voice
no i'm locking
myself back up.
looking from
behind my two
way mirror.

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
give you the lollipops on friday
apples at lunch
i give you compliments in surplus
and i'm always on your side.

now
the other

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
i wait for you after third period
and walk with you to your next class
and i compliment you
and your voice
and tell you you're handsome.

i don't want to go to bed
i don't think i can sleep
because i'll stare
up at my
ceiling
constellations
and think of you.
i just want sleep
be numb from thoughts of you.

the sadness has surpassed
and now i am angry.
what on earth happened
i shouldn't
be angry
i shouldn't be sad
i don't know the whole story
but i have a small right
all due respect
to feel awful.
maybe tomorrow i'll talk to you.
maybe not.

you said you wouldn't hurt me
and i said i wouldn't abandon you
that'd i'd be here.
you told me i was a great person
and that you wanted me to feel safe with you.
and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?
i installed my trust in you
counted the minutes it took to download
you told me to quit apologizing
but i'm sorry.
you told me you push people that care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but you told me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?

normally i would sit
and urge the clock
to do it's job right
and speed up
but today time doesn't matter
i'm not mad at the long wait of
fifteen minutes
ten minutes
or sixty seconds
because it doesn't matter.
you won't be here
and i'll walk the halls alone.
and then arriving at your class first,
i'll take your hand and call
goodbye.
leaving with a stomach
indeed filled with butterflies
but for today
time doesn't matter
because you won't be here.

my target
is penetrating your heart
and craving in and to hold on tight.
so i stand ready holding still in the bow
launching myself
against walls
and the floor
missing.
i crash and burn
it hurts
but i get up again
try again
despite the bruises
despite the hurt.
it's supposed to be hard
so i go the distance
and fall again.
sometimes i cry
but it's difficult
just let me in
i'm not a parasite.

i wonder
if either of you
think of me.
or anybody for that matter.
am i thought about softly?
am i put way high into the air
and held like
an opera singer
sings her final note.
i hope so
and it would mean
a lot if i was in
your thoughts,
but i'm not a
mind reader
so i guess
i'll just have to hope.

you told me
i didn't have
to apologize
you told me
to breathe.
i'm trying
it's hard
i worry all the time
and you understand.
you told me
i was a great person
and that i don't have to be scared
of you
that you won't
harm me,
and honestly
that made me
melt
and i fell a little bit
i stumbled
for you.

i'm worried
with the speed of which
i write my poems at.
but i need to write,
i might as well use the fire
as it's burning
but my fear is of
eventual smoldering
and then smoke
as i attempt to
string words together
into poems
at a loss
when the smoke is gone
and the fire is dead.
what will i do then?
i'll be at a loss of words
and at a loss of expressing myself
but that doesn't mean i'm stopping out of fear.
no way
it just means
i'll go until it's out
hopefully life keeps
feeding the fire.

the way you
wrapped your arm
around my shoulders
and asked how i was
made me sigh with
contentedness
and i fell just a bit more
for you.
and listening to you sing,
that's a treat
you're blooming
like a flower
in spring,
but you close off,
and wither quickly
dear flower don't do that
or else i wither with you.
but instead how about
us daises,
turn into bleeding hearts.
hanging in green bushes
side by side and sing
we could have a duet of life
stringing together our hardships and stories
into a song.

so now you know
i've written a poem
about you
called
"the grey area"
and you liked it.
so also how you know
maybe
i've written other poems
about you as well
if you ask...
i don't know if i'll
tell you yes.

there's only two people
i want to see today,
and i know
neither of them are here
let me check myself out
on loneliness
and a good read
of my thoughts
i could just really stand
to see your smiles and
hear your voices.

we are all
coded for error
mistakes spelled out
in our DNA.
we are build to make mistakes
trial and error some just have mistake more apparent
within them.
people like me.

the thought of losing
or displacing
one of my poems
does two things.
one is sadness
i lost my poem
i can't write another like it.
the other
or two
is fear.
i'm afraid
what if people find them?
fear is worse.

it's one a.m.
and for once
i'm not thinking of you.
there's another.
and i know
both him and i are probably
on our backs
trying to make
constellations out
of the marks
in our ceiling
waiting for shooting stars.

waterfall
me down.
let me fall
straight into
your arms.
or
waterfall
me down.
let me fall
don't catch
watch me
plunge
into the
cold below.

i feel like
people are going to say
you shouldn't post your poems online
because it's giving people an open door
into your personal life.
so what if i post my poems online?
i think they need to be heard.
this is one time where i won't conform to
other ideas because this is me.
i feel this is where i can truly post where i'm feeling
behind a scene of black and white
and words on a screen
where it matches mirror images of each poem
etched into my soul.

i'm not sure how to
form my own opinions
i see something one way
something says something the other
and i'm confused and befuddled
because i'm not sure what to say or think
and the idea changes before my eyes
people aren't as nice or sweet as they used to be
people aren't as bad as they used to be
that idea seems okay
that idea seems not okay
things are constantly changing
and maybe that's because people make
impressions of me
like walking in sand
their footprints are in my thoughts
leaving them there for me to inspect
and idea
and then form my own opinion
but i'm easy to doubt
and easy to conform to other peoples
ideals and likes and other suches
and most the time
i just remain quiet
because being liked is more comfortable
than being myself.

if i swallowed a magnet
would i be more attractive?
but the problem is
many people feel unattractive
so what happens when the people
who are unattractive swallow magnets?
the ones that appreciate the most
and see the best in people
will be repelled.

i've looked in the mirror
and more than once
and i've wanted to smash it
break it into pieces
and use the shards
to carve my skin
make me beautiful.
maybe i could be
placed on a pedestal
with a plaque next to me
describing what art form i am
i'm the art form of sadness
of complete lack of happiness and confidence.
people will take pictures of the art
people will write papers
post me on their blogs
and i will travel from museum
to museum
not spreading my misery
but my concept
and my awareness
that people live like this.

i sit
restless
i'm supposed
to be doing something pertaining to school
but i can't bring myself to cross the room
and lug over the heavy book
to read.
i have no patience
i try it but it leaves me
mocks me and runs
what am i supposed to say to my parents?
i no longer like school
because i no longer like myself.
i have lines of woes on my arms
my thighs
and my soul
now what was i supposed to be doing
oh yeah
homework.
not drowning in my thoughts.