today's your birthday
and we haven't talked
in a little while.
i'm not angry with you
i just need a little time.
i won't be there
tomorrow,
i'm about a couple
hours away.
so i guess this
is your present.
i'm sorry it's lame.

you started out
as the gray area.
the gray
refers to a subject or a problem
that people do not know how to deal with
because there are no clear rules.
in this case
you
were the grey area
i wasn't sure how
and i still am not sure how
to deal with you.
you just are.

and i've written more
than one poem for you.
you know, to tell you the truth
i used to count down the minutes,
the seconds for third hour to end.
so i could walk beside you.
it was a highlight of my day.

i think this period
of silence between us
is just another lock
that i have to be patient with
before i discover the way to unlocking it.
and i don't know if it's yours
or if it's mine.
maybe it's my distance
after telling you
but i'll find  a way.
i won't stray from my promise.
i'm still here for you.
i'm still ears.
i still believe in you.
i'm your friend.

you are a phenomenal person
and i'm not sure how else
to put who you are
into poems
because you're much more
than black and white
i can put down on paper
or through keys
you're the gray.

so please     remember
today's your birthday
and happy birthday.
happiness always
for you.
-M

as rude as it would be
i just want to laugh
i want to laugh at you
and applaud your choices.

i know it would be rude
but in the long run
i'd make me feel better
that i didn't pursue you further.

my main thought
is maybe i'm just
meant to be alone.

i've been told
that i'm too
independent


and that possibly
i'll never marry
because of this
independence.

and it depresses me
because really why
would you tell a
teenager that.

it's every dream
for a girl to have
a dream wedding
and get married.

and you crushed that
telling me those things
too independent
too much of a "*****."

it's nearing on three
and i find myself
sitting in this room
longing for you.

i wonder
if you think of me.

i feel pathetic
longing for you
as i do.
i'm sorry
that i do.

i find myself
thinking of you
often.

i wonder
if you think of me.

the first
and only time
i saw you cry
we were watching
our friends rehearse
for the play.
both of us had been watching
not lucky enough to be cast.
i sat next to you
and we watched monologues
be delivered.
but i looked over at you
at one point.
and you had tears in your eyes.
and i should of told you
"tears don't suit you."
and i should of
put a hand on your knee
to comfort you.

loneliness is consuming me
and i'm reduced to tears
at two in the morning
and i'm doing all i can
not to cave in on myself
like a star finally collapsing
occurring in: supernova.
if i could prevent
this sadness i would.
but it seems that i am
getting closer and closer
to a collapse.
but there's one difference
between me and a star.
a star gets brighter
before it collapses.
and the brightest
i will ever be
before collapse
is the reflection
of the light in my eyes
and in my tears.

i hate movies
and i hate books.
because by the end
i've changed
and it may just be
because it's two in the morning
and i am beyond exhaustion
where loneliness is starting to consume me.
and i'm upset, and i'm lost
but by the end
i've changed
or i'm left seeking
wanting more of the story
that wasn't real to begin with.
and it kills me inside.
stories of love
hardship
where characters fight
through thick and thin
to get where they are
to choose who they want to be
to have a mother lose a husband
and have to raise to children
that hardship
that love
that fight.
and in the end it ends
it ends happily.
and happy endings
i'm not complaining about.
but there's a part of me
that doesn't know what to do
with myself
once it's over.
and i'm lost.
i don't understand.