it's been five days
and tomorrow will be six
and i'm starting to miss people.

it's a never ending argument within me
to be happy to be out of school
but to sit and wish to be back in school
and out of the people i miss
it's probably you
my dear
that i miss most.

i remember the haunted house
and the hard significantly named "dentist" chair i had to sit in
that the arm of the chair fell off on my foot
and with fake blood smeared across my mouth.
i remember being so nauseated
from the fake blood
and the flashing lights
and the screaming.
but i remember the pounding
you'd be doing on the walls
you crazy gorilla
and even if it did give me a headache
i knew that you were nearby
and between groups
i remember that you would come into our room
and i would reach out my hand to you
and occasionally you would grab
and hold my hand
even if it was only a few seconds.
and that crisp october
before the long winter
and remembering those moments
have brought tears to my eyes.

it's just about one a.m.
i missed 11:11,
but this time,
i am thinking of you,
my dear.
and this time
i'm the only one
lying on thier back
trying to make
constellations out
of the marks
in the ceiling,
waiting for shooting stars.
i'm the only one
and i hope it's because
you're sleeping.

tonight
i feel on edge
both figuratively
and literally.
honestly
i can't even stand
as i lie, arms reach
to the oblivion below
those call hell.
i call it freedom
because anywhere
where the sun shines
seems to go sour at some point.
it's as if the sun itself
and life itself
are set against me

i haven't talked to you
at all i guess
and i chose to walk away
and no longer wait
maybe it was the air
of which you wouldn't look at me
or the condescending tone when you spoke French
but i walked away
and i've chosen not to call upon you
ask you how you were.
and i promised,
so there's this little part
eating away at me.
but i don't know
i shouldn't worry about it.
i should just take a deep breath.

it's been cold for the long time
and today the sun came out
and started melting the snow.
and it was warm, and cold
and for the first time
in a long time
i felt something
that represented that warmth
i think it's hope.

i'm angry
and i have no reason why
and being angry without a reason
is like grabbing a hot coal to throw
but burning myself.
and under the anger
i think there is pain.
this anger
has no explainable
cause
although
i feel it has
something do due
with loneliness.
as i said i think under
this anger
there is pain hidden away.