i'm alone
developing if you say
another world
everyone else eons ahead of me
i guess not eons, but three our four years
i guess you could say
i'm not good enough
even though some will argue
to a certain point i'm telling the truth.
and i'm so lonely.
so lonely.

dear
how many poems
about wednesday
will i write
before i get across to you
that i hate them.
because
you know.
but a few,
apparently
so for now let me sit
in the abandoned waiting room
waiting you to call my name
and thrusday to come.

note to self
to never bring you
up to her again
your significance
i could see
through her eyes
her heart freeze
and then lost sight
because those blue eyes
froze over as well
she radiates with warmth
but by the mere mention of your name
she freezes
what did you do
to cause such thick ice
to cover her heart?

i see
blue
doom and gloom
i wanted to remain
sleeping.
today
i see somber sober versions
of my life
when yesterday
life was colourful until
somehow you were gone.
i saw your sister in the halls,
and the hue increased
today i usher the clock to go slower.
do i want to talk to you?

i stumbled through
the door
of the grey area
and i feel shoved back through
and you added a lock
this time
you told me you pushed
people who care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but to not have
"permission"
to talk to you?
says the yellow exclamation mark
when i tried to say
"hello sir fancy"
broke me and instead of
reaching for the lock
i backed up, and turned my head.

my dear
you were gone today
and i write you poems
in hopes you are okay
and feeling healthy.
they're my 11:11 wishes
again but this time
they aren't for me.
i wish and i guess
hope you are okay.

sometimes i consider
the lines of woe
on my arm
as semi-permanent medals
upon my skin
i consider them medals
due to the fact
i've survived up to this long.

but
i'm also ashamed
i guess i'm a two way street
as well as a two way mirror
and i'm ashamed about these
lines of woes,
i can't make up my mind
it's a up and down
of confidence and hating myself
and often i find myself at cross roads
on whether to take the plunge
or back up and leave my toes
hanging off the edge.