a two way mirror
i hear fists banging
on the inside of my skull
how dare i try to let myself escape.
let me suit back up in quietness
and go back to being alone
become part of the foundation
i'm here to hold you up
but no to a voice
no i'm locking
myself back up.
looking from
behind my two
way mirror.

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
give you the lollipops on friday
apples at lunch
i give you compliments in surplus
and i'm always on your side.

now
the other

i just want us both
to be happy
and it's hard
because i'm not you
i can't control you
i have no control over the situation
but i try.
i do little things
i wait for you after third period
and walk with you to your next class
and i compliment you
and your voice
and tell you you're handsome.

i don't want to go to bed
i don't think i can sleep
because i'll stare
up at my
ceiling
constellations
and think of you.
i just want sleep
be numb from thoughts of you.

the sadness has surpassed
and now i am angry.
what on earth happened
i shouldn't
be angry
i shouldn't be sad
i don't know the whole story
but i have a small right
all due respect
to feel awful.
maybe tomorrow i'll talk to you.
maybe not.

you said you wouldn't hurt me
and i said i wouldn't abandon you
that'd i'd be here.
you told me i was a great person
and that you wanted me to feel safe with you.
and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?
i installed my trust in you
counted the minutes it took to download
you told me to quit apologizing
but i'm sorry.
you told me you push people that care away.
i told you i'd be here.
but you told me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
then why am i crying?

normally i would sit
and urge the clock
to do it's job right
and speed up
but today time doesn't matter
i'm not mad at the long wait of
fifteen minutes
ten minutes
or sixty seconds
because it doesn't matter.
you won't be here
and i'll walk the halls alone.
and then arriving at your class first,
i'll take your hand and call
goodbye.
leaving with a stomach
indeed filled with butterflies
but for today
time doesn't matter
because you won't be here.

my target
is penetrating your heart
and craving in and to hold on tight.
so i stand ready holding still in the bow
launching myself
against walls
and the floor
missing.
i crash and burn
it hurts
but i get up again
try again
despite the bruises
despite the hurt.
it's supposed to be hard
so i go the distance
and fall again.
sometimes i cry
but it's difficult
just let me in
i'm not a parasite.