the cold is exhausting
i want to huddle up and freeze
maybe my body as a sculpture
forever frozen as ice
would be more beautiful than wandering in
pink faced with teared up eyes
hair a mess.
maybe once a sculpture
someone could chisel me
form my features
maybe i would
reduce to a swan.
simple.
beautiful.

i have died
and i feel myself sinking
i cannot detach myself from where i lie
where i sit
where i stand
because moving is too hard
and i'm tired again.
this may be a never ending winter
in minnesota
days where it's too cold to go to school
too dangerous to go outside
but i get up and stare through my window,
let the snow blind me
maybe if i don't see
anything
or myself i could manage to be happier
as if that would help
i'm sure the blackness
or the fog would be worse
and after being able to see
i would for sure die.

you saw how distressed i was
but you didn't dare try to hold me
why?
i needed you.
you're so close to everyone else
i felt terrible
it was hard to see
and light was painful.
i don't tell you this i continue pacing
my camera pumping out
blurred streams or colour
fading pictures
of a play on war.
you can't tell me
you didn't notice my distress
because there were tears in my eyes
and it wasn't just from the words of the play.
but from realizing my situation
with you.

i feel all emotions towards you
and i try not to because it's not fair.
you don't know.
and when i'm angry
or sad
and it's caused because of you
you don't know
and that's not fair
to you or to me.
i'm the one keeping things
in the dark

i've said
i can't continue to write about you
but i do
somehow the motivation comes back to me
my soul
and i can't help but need to write
about you
and about how i feel about you
because dear
how else to i express how i feel
about you

i'm afraid
if you are cruel
if you push me away
if you make me feel terrible
for caring so much for you
i'm going to snap
then the truth
i like...

you.

if you were to cut into my skin
i would want rose petals to fall from it
because i want to be beautiful
and perfect.
if i were to cut into your skin
i would imagine i'd see gold dripping from your veins
because despite you already being beautiful
you are a perfect person.
if we were to cut into each other's skin
and watch the sky turn from blue to orange to black
the stars appearing overhead to check on us
we would look back into each other
and there would be
rose petals and gold
mixed together
and maybe
just maybe
my dear
you would make me
beautiful and perfect
too.