10/20/14
I have learned something over a long period of time, and it just so happens to be that no matter how many texts I send to you, and no matter what words I speak, its hopeless that you will listen to me. But, nevertheless, I will still try and get a response from you.
I know nothing I say will make a difference, but hey, its worth a try, right?. Well, I hope you know I did love you. I guess a part of me will always love you, just like it does for everyone I've ever met. I have never been in love with someone so much as to them be infatuated with me. I have never fully given myself to them because I know what heartbreak is, believe me. I know how it's like a hurricane inside your chest and how it omnipresently tries to collapse in on itself to feel pain. I know what its like. You know it just as well as I do.
What I have also learned over the course of you ignoring me, is that: just because someone didn't love you the way you wanted them to, doesn't mean they didn't love you with everything they had. And until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is. Remember how I told you I have insomnia, along with a whole other list of problems? Well, I learned to fall asleep. I used to thumb through old messages and it just made my heart ache even more than it already did, so I erased them. It hurts so badly to keep everything inside me so of course I'm going to let it all out. I cling onto memories of people and What-Ifs and the unknown and its all just utterly insane of me to do so, so I'm stopping. Sometimes, we believe that this world is an indistinguishable shade of gray, when in reality, its more black and white than we expect it to be. I was not happy with who I was, so I'm changing.
This has nothing to do with you, my whole changing situation. All there is left too do, really, is forgive and forget. I have already forgiven you for saying what you did to me. I always knew that you weren't mine to keep. That is why I kissed you an extra thousand times and told you that it was just a bad habit of kissing you repeatedly. That is why I always gazed an extra few seconds before I looked away and that is why I stayed up lay all those nights because I was too busy worrying about you than to get any rest myself. I had tried so hard to memorize every curve and every freckle on your body and the amount of pressure you use when you hugged me tightly, so that when you left I would not forget what it was like to be with you physically. I listened closely whenever you spoke words to me so I would be able to replace them in my mind whenever I was in need of them on one of my bad nights. That is why I always told you that I loved you and whenever I said so I hug you as tight as I possibly could even when I was crying in your arms behind the bleachers and you had no idea what the reason was for. Your body had pressed against mine and I can feel your fragile shoulders press against my chest. I knew that your scent would linger on my body long after we kissed goodbye. I had a feeling that one day when I woke up you were not going to be there and therefore I would be exceptionally upset, to the point of mental breakdown. So I took up your arms in your hug and I continue to cry even though you had no idea why such a storm fell from my eyes. and oh God do I wish that I could have told you at that moment why I was crying because i know that you wrapping your arms even tighter around me would be the equivalent to me taking a trip up to heaven and never coming down again. And sometimes things in life are simply built just so they can break and I guess that human hearts are the exact same thing with the exact same concept. I knew that your arms are not mine to keep and therefore I had felt very selfish to be held by them as I cried silently. You know, we have both been through undeniably tragic heartbreaks, and yes I know this is one of them. And now I am deeply starting to wish that I had never memorized the shape of your body or the touch of your skin because I have come to the realization that I could never forget you.
Even if you think that I lied to you I just want you to know that I never did. No matter how many times I have ****** up in my life, you were not part of any cycle. You are not an experiment, or a little game that I could play, or even a dare from one of my friends to try out. No, you are so much more than that. And if you fail to realize that I loved you, then that is on you. Like I have told you before, I loved you the best that I possibly could and if that is not enough for you then I'm afraid that that is your problem.
Lies are beautiful. The truth is what's ugly. But you see, the thing is, there was not one lie when I told you that I loved you. And if that makes it ugly, then so be it.
I apologize if there are a few words or phrases that have been mispelt in this letter to you. I apologize for a lot of things, but I do not apologize for loving you. And that is a fact.
~meghan julia.
{m.j.}