Was I really so wrong
in wanting affection
(yes)
to satiate something I couldn’t have
(home)
I am hungry for a pasture
so I fill my stomach with the only peace I can find
(pleasure)

You are part lightbeam
You are soft as tulip petals
I have so much tenderness for you and
I am so scared

You have such lovely people and I am not here to ruin that
I only want to be here for you
and to share life

I am not unaware that
I have not always been here
I don’t know what to say,
but that I am here now and I am here to love

Yes, but I want her back
I want her to tell me
how she sees none of this pain
That she only cares for sheep,
her small box of love letters,
and the radishes on her windowsill

That she saw brightness in herself
and for her future
That there was hope
hanging onto her curls,
in the muddy light
of her fire escape at sundown

And even though she cried
and often called him
to resuscitate her
that she still knew
she was strong
That she would live
to fight for her own
broken mind

The universe is screaming at me
that others are not enough
that I cannot slide my heart
into other people’s pockets
and expect them not to wash their clothes

but how do you chose yourself
over others
when there was never a choice
in the first place

Yet I give my parts to these men
boys rather

Somewhere in Washington,
my tailbone

In Maine,
ten inches of my hair
taken out of desperation

In Wisconsin,
my fragile wrists

Italy,
my stomach
pulled straight from my throat
under cover of expensive wine
and exotic gardens

but here in California lies
the soft skin of my thighs
a collarbone, broken and replaced
several times
my *****, given willingly
and the dead cells
of my young heart

While you were here
you gripped my spine
and I still feel it
every month
when I lose more blood
to cleanse myself of the men
who have been inside of me

I am clean and still
full of holy light
but they linger in the places
on my body I do not see
but that they have
and I am desperately
forcing them out of me

I want to find
all the ways that trees speak to me
the wind consumes me
and my mind kills me

So that when he
comes back under my skin
I will be long gone