Yesterday's episode drained the life out me.
I felt empty inside.
And now I'm just filling up with sadness.
I don't know what you are trying to achieve with this space thing,
but I never asked for it.
It feels like it is more of an excuse for you not to deal with me.
A way to manipulate me so that you isolate me more
until the point I am so broken that will come crawling back to you.
So you don't have to put in energy,
but so that I keep draining myself until I can't take it anymore.
Till a reach the point of..

It's not worth it anymore.

I want you
So into you
Love to love you baby?
Precious
******
I fink you freaky
Choke me, spank me
*** drugs and rock n roll
Foxy lady

At least at work I'm creating memories
Dances and faces grinning across the stage
Watching and learning how to play the game.
Fears dissolving at what games girls can play.
To pay for phone bills and cat litter.
Teasing and flirting, but usually not giving away.
A little on the side money is always okay.
The odds go in their favor the more I pull on the handles.
Hands digging into back pockets, knowing just how to gamble.
But they say the house always wins...

The screams of agony that rattle my bones.
That ache even my own heart.
The point where I finally feel bad for what I did to myself.
The point where I say.
"There,you've learned your lesson now right?"

don't take my hand and spin me around.
don't look at me with piercing eyes and tell me you think i'm beautiful.
don't sneak little kisses here and there.
don't make me feel wanted
Because I know that it means nothing.

Had no idea where I was
But I found a way back.


It wasn't so much that I wanted to **** myself.
It was more so that I had convinced myself that I had to.
The hurt was all too much and dark that the little rays of sunshine didn't matter.
Is feeling better the lifting of this stone heavy weight in my heart.
In light flutters that dance twice the night.
I'm just another hopeless romantic that roams the streets alone, all day and night.
It was then driving again that I had realized that what I had crying and moaning about was so silly in the grand scheme of things.
I guess I could laugh at my silly self induced sufferings.
But why was I drawn there?
Why did I feel paralysis in this state?
So eager to believe that there was really an escape.
An escape to what?
Nothingness?
Not... Paradise, but nothing.
I still had a little hope that I could find the light after all.
To one day look back at it all and laugh..
Laugh at my nativity, vulnerability, and innocence.
Thank all those who helped transform me by betraying me, ignoring me, leaving me, seducing me, then leaving me again.
To those who gave a little bit of their tender love..
But they were just exploring it all.
Never unfolding the true flowering potential of us all.

I miss the person you seemed to be.
I guess I'm finally learning who you really are

I just want to know where we stand
Aka what you will never do with me again.
***, beach, lunch, chillin with records, joints, etc.

So distant..
It hurts so much.
All my energy goes into trying not to think about you.
I can't get you out of my mind and heart.
So far whiskey is the best method.
I hate the version of myself that has to resort to that.
I'm trying so hard to move on..
But there is no one like you..
Im seriously going to have to do something big and drastic to get over this.
Idk what.
They valley is haunted.
I can't be here anymore.
You live so close and I drive by Erwin nearly everyday.
Its torture.
It's soul *******.
I try to improve myself.
I try to figure out my goals and where I'm headed.
But this consumes me.
This to me is incredibly important.
Hence why I find it difficult to do other things successfully. It is a priority.
I'm even more lost now than ever.
You were my rock.
I know you don't want that.
But you were.
You helped me from being out of control. From being self destructive everyday..
I know I had episodes with you. But I'll take that over crying everyday and feeling out of control and worthless anyway..
Bringing myself closer and closer to death. With each chain of puffs and poison burning my throat as it slides down.

We don't share the same reality.
My world is painted black.

Again, I have reached the point where I don't know what to do.
So I think about my end.

I really should leave this earth.
I honestly don't think that I contribute anything good to those in my life anymore.
I just feel like I'm a bottomless pit.
******* the life out of everyone.
Making people feel bad.
And wasting their timing when they worry about me, which is a constant.

I do not have any hope for my future.
I want to stop fighting.. I want to just give in.
I'm constantly exhausted just trying to survive the day.
I just want peace..
I'm so done with this existence.
Pain and a sense of not belonging are prominent themes.
There are some days that make me thankful to be alive, but they are so sparse that it's no longer worth it.
I'm better at not hurting other people as much, but the wound inside me just grows deeper each day.
I'm just a ******* blackhole.
There is no hope for me.
I often reach the conclusion that I should be in therapy, but I am so defiant that I know realistically I would not ever complete it. I question everything and trust no one.
I don't blame you for abandoning me.
I would have done the same.
Some people just have a certain fate.
And this tragic one is mine.
I accept that.
I am ok with dying.
This world no longer has anything to offer me.
I've given up on love.
I'm too broken to ever be my authentic self.

I ain't trying to get rock bottom.
I'm just having trouble staying a float.
I guess I'm still just a little too heavy.
But even with just skin and bones getting *****
I'd




sink.

We all die eventually.
And some of us really age.
This strong sense that you must make the most of the day.
Remembering that it can be our last.
But we shouldn't live in fear. Just live it up and soak it in. Whatever it may be.
Be a little devil.
Or a caring friendly moody being.
Ruled by the moon.
It shines down on gloom
A sort of nourishing lighting.
Soothing the mind like
Cosmic skies
Creating and destroying
Bits of the heart and mind.
Roll through this space.
Orbit suns and moons.

I bask in my melancholia
Like a lizard in the sun.
Expect it's cool hard heavy rain drops
That paint my windshield
like a colorful parade.
Nothing everlasting.
I grow sadder each day.
Rainstorms keep coming.
Puddles grow deeper.
Pounding the life away.
Becoming insufferable.
I break everything I need.
Mangled thoughts.
It's everyday.
***.

Another episode.
It doesn't even make sense to me.
Yesterday I loved you.
Then I hated you.
Then I fell for you again.
Through vivid dreams and semi nightmares.
I wake up.
Coming back into my dreaded consciousness.
I try to listen to the rain.
And touch my cat.
Staring at her beauty.
Trying to remember her hair in her ears..
The black and white patches unevenly spread out.
Her golden iris and the ring of olive green hugging her pupil.
Noting white whiskers,
I touch her soft brushed fur and try to be gracious that even though I do not have work..that day.. That at least I do not have to go to work.
I try to remember my dreams.
I envision myself being peaceful and whole.
Teaching others the practice that I preach..
Yet I'm glued to my bed.
I reach for a book that will bring me closer to my dreams.
But I have more demons than dreams.
I reach for my phone..
Which seems to be the devils right hand man
Pull up the web browser and wonder if other girls feel bad about their guy giving their eyes and blood to other girls..
They do..
So many girls crying and feeling fearful inside..
Because they gave their heart to a pig.
When I cry.. I start by feeling sorry for myself..but then I keep crying because I cry for the world.
I cry for the children that find acceptance they seek in a gang.
I cry for the children that are neglected by their father because they weren't born perfect.
I cry for all the overweight children that don't know any better.
I cry for kittens and puppies that get crushed for a human's amusement.
I cry for the hunger that keep the children awake at night.
I cry for the water I waste day and night.
I cry for the man collecting bottles, for his inner child is dying.
I cry for the loneliness that plagues so many people around me.
I cry for the man trying to live by selling fruit.
I cry for the homeless, for they hurt my eyes.
I cry for the smog and car exhaust we all breathe in everyday.
I cry for the things I wished I had done to help, but still don't do.
I cry for my cat that looks at me crying with her big wondrous eyes
I cry for the sadness I bring not only to the ones I love, but that I keep bringing to this earth every time I open my eyes from sleep and close my heart.
And after I feel all that sadness.. I want someone to take it away...
But I don't know how to say it...
My mind...
It is not well.
My ill mind pushes away the one I need and care for the most.
Spitting my vile and venom.
Even though all I wanted was to be reassured through beautiful words and held tight for yet another night..
After the episode I am nothing again. I am hollow. I feel empty. Incomplete.
Life is meaningless again.
Love is the only thing worth living for.
But I can't even do that right.
I look at the same photographs that made me smile, laugh, and made me feel warm inside half a day ago..
Only to find that they make me feel nothing.
Nothing.
I see just a pale face.. And blue eyes.
But there is no flutter inside me..
I no longer see the sadness and love that floods those eyes.
I so keep laying here.
Hoping to just wither away.
Just to feel better in a few days...
And have it a start over again..
No moon to blame.
No sun to blame.
No clouds to blame.
No rain to blame.
Just me.

When my eyes swell up with tears
It is then that i start to see beauty right in front of me
Sources of light extend theirs rays to me
Rays that twirl and retreat
Sparkle and twinkle at me.
It is then that I keep frowning
Because no matter what  I see
My heart feels heavy, yet so empty..
How could that be?
Stand up. Say "*******." And move on.
Happiness swells and crashes
Philosophies clashing
Making you feel like a fool
Is it worth it?
Clenching jaw
Tight throat
Wanting to make it burn with whiskey.
Trigger here... Trigger.          There.
Burst of madness
Fight the urge, but you need your fix.

The inner child in me had a tantrum of mixed emotions.
It had no idea what it was doing.
It was miserable the whole time,
yet making promises that it would all be much better.

Yoga is...
Learning to be in your body.
Like a kitten growing into a young cat.
It's learning to love your body for everything it can do.  
To bless thyself.
It is just letting go,
  being open to the journey of presence,
and being one with the universe.
One with the earth,
one with the heavily bodies,
one with your creator.
Finding the power to be anything
because you already are everything.

I know better, but I've still been feeding the cycle.
It eats funny things.
Like.. Not eating..
Or alcohol
Or it swallows a **** whole..
Whatever it is..
It seems worth it at the time,
But when I look back, it feels like I got the short end of the stick.
Slender body for a mangled mind.
Cutting corners because I need it now.
If I don't feed it.
Then it taunts my pride.

"Stupid girl.

Disgusting cow

You have no control.

You don't deserve to be pretty if you can't control yourself..

What a joke, you actually thought that anyone could actually love you?

You knew deep down he was just using you.

So stupid.

Why don't you just shrivel up and die, you will never be able to get the only thing you want."

It crushes love with its verbal venom.

All the inspiration in the world could pass me by but I can't reach out because I put myself in cuffs.
Punishing myself for the love I was not able to achieve.

Longing.. aching..  wailing for another soul.

Another soul to cry about life's puddles with through intertwined limbs.


Another soul to start the cycle all over with..

Drunks drink to find comfort on the floor.
But you don't need to be drunk to find it.

Trying to make myself disappear
through the sweat and pain,
so there's less of me to hate.

I was freaking out all day
feeling like **** that I was a stoner.
Then later that night I smoked
and took it all back.
Ye.

When I'm under the covers I can be anywhere
Besides theses walls
Or amongst tall trees.
Does not limit where I ought to be
I sing a chime
A tune
A crime
Thinkin' of where she'd want to be.
Can't move time.
Or stop disease.
Time moves forward still.
No need to worry about horrible things.
Just jumpin excited of where she can really be.
Wondering if she'll ever belong anywhere but here.
Underneath some covers
Could be anywhere
On couch in a chair
Just not here please...

Change thoughts .
Put energy in better places
Don't give up
Make conscious decision to heal.
Release positive vibrations again.
Be the change you want to see.

You miss their laughs
Their bodies against yours
Exchanges of coughs and giggles and unlikely scenarios.
Sounds of ice clank against cold glasses
Their smiles
Their hugs
Her squeals and oh my gods of excitement.
You miss it all with great sadness.
But it was what it was and it can never go back to what it was
Just memories now.
Scraps of paper and photographs as proof that they are real.

Just coming in and out like a tide.
The city constantly yells and drains.
When I look up at the sky
Crackling power lines aside the shimmering moon.
Thinking to myself what am I going to do?
Behind walls
Locked doors
Closed curtains
Undercovers.
I find myself with me.
We're freaking out and we don't what to do.
We self soothe
&
Hang out.
But it's all just wrong.
We used to kick and punch.
So it's better I suppose
But that was draining.
All I want is sleep now.
Is it really the cousin to death?
But I have dreams.
Day & Night.
Some feel good, others bad.
But that's kind of like life, I suppose.
It seemed so real.
What is real?
Imagined, was it not?
I suppose I really don't know.
My existential crisis hops on the canoe.
Doesn't matter if you're in the water.
The tide
comes in
&
out no matter.
It just is.

After all the
Tears hurt and darkness..
Something beautiful was still able to come out.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder..
Does that mean I've finally seen a little beauty in what I've done?
A thought I realized was so foreign to me.
Could I possibly have a little sunshine in me?
So shy and scared.
But I can see its little head peaking through.
Curious.

The happiness always gets bruised and pushed on its venture through..
Wildering thoughts and leaves.
A little bit of false hope does a great job in goal to deceive.
At that point its when it shatters.
Broken glass everywhere,
Pieces to small to see.
Or big chunks missing.
Like the emptiness inside that makes it all collapse.
Caving in.. To nothingness.

Few animals cries for help.



No answer.

Only you can give what you are looking for.

The answer is within. You just have to trust yourself.

Become more in tune with body and minds relationship.

Listen to your body.
Love and respect your body.
With words and acts of kindness.

Stay compassionate.
Stay calm.

Keep pushing your breathe to deep lengths.

Don't self judge.
It's a mean voice inside.

Nourish the body and the mind.
And the soul's presence will thrive.

Shake your hips from side to side.

Listening and being aware of the sound waves penetrating the air.
Pulsating ear drums.
We are just complex beings, yet animals all the same.
Drinkin' bailey's.
Feeling just a tad bit blue.
With a half hearted smile.
Ice keeps melting.
Gleaming and crying too.
Apparently his name is Jeff.
But I wonder what the poet's mind is thinking now, feeling now, being now...
Is there anywhere to settle to that will rock the storm to sleep?
I'm told to give my everything away.
After all I'm already giving my physical being.

I guess these words I write help rock my soul to sleep.
Peace. Tranquility. A humming buzz.
What force gets shifted to disturb these nice things?
Over rocks or a shot.
Maybe that's the start?
Maybe it's the way certain people make me cringe.
Maybe I need to get a better hold of this song.
Guide it through the sunny path.
Easy cruising.
Steady heart.

The illness..
The negative entity..
The pain body...
The energy field..:
the aura..
The vibes....
The shadow
that tricks us into feeding it.
So we keep it alive..
We must find our truth
and fill ourselves with
the power of

NOW.

You soften me,
you weaken me.
My defenses go down.
I'm vulnerable.
Receptive
&
Pure.

Love is what you want to see
projected through a person.
We can see a creep
or a smiling pair of crinkling sparkling eyes
approving of us with a gleaming smile.

Looking back at a past that was once a forward.
It adds much meaninglessness to it all.
Am I forcing myself to move forward too fast?
Should I allow the sunken weight and wilted thoughts to stay just a little bit
longer?
To be at peace with things this way.
Never forgetting that it won't always be this way.
I'll accept that as a truth only once I trust that it's not really giving in.

In someone's warm embrace is where the darkness begins to lift off.
Evaporating.
Letting the caged heart breathe again.

You go with the flow
by just being present.
It kind of speaks to you
in a gentle tone.

What happens when the music gets put away?

The vibrations start fading and the lurking thoughts creep forward.
They quickly swell my mind with fears.
The idea of failure coat my hopes.

I collapse.

I've been trying to deny the feelings to myself.
Because talking about them makes them seem real.

The tragedy of being ones own worst enemy
is that you will eventually feel as though you must **** yourself off.
One can not live while the other survives.
Because you are you.
Or them...

The bad dies with the good.
And no one saw it coming..
I guess the bad in you can manipulate the good into doing things through fear.

To hide its master.

Or else..

Reality hit me
then the blues struck
I had become everything and everyone I had hated.
How could I hate them if I was just the same.
Just only aware.
But just as useless.

Everyone always tries to get me to smile.
Why can't they just let me be?
Like a thought without reason
And a sky that sees its reflection just past the ocean's breeze.