something
about the water
just the right temperature
the earth dreams and
proteins coalesce
life, out of unlife
i dip my big toe in
a trilobite comes up to bite it
from the sun touched silt
poor thing, i think, stroking its back
poor thing to be unmoored in time
poor thing, suffocated because the earth
changed her mind, tried again,
words erased on a page,
skittering legs going still,
belly up,
silt bed,
sand grave,
dark sleep without dreams

nymph in january
beating earth-heart
thaws soil
boots sink in mud and
flying ants spiral
to the sky
tiny glimmering wings
raindrops
snowdrops
drop dead
humming bugdream head
i thought it was spring, he said

i sit in the coffee shop
writing poetry on a brown napkin
with a purple gel pen
remembering how my life was saved
by a cup of tea
beckoning me
out of my messy bed
out of my summer-sad head
and into the real world
with all its simple beauty
earthy warm green tea
but also
the hydrangeas in bloom
on the way home
and the little ladybug
hitching a ride on my shoe

oak roots dream
under soft snow
black bear purrs
in her den
the buck chase ends
i'll just rest my legs...
white pine sways
mighty sleepwalker
goodnight! goodnight!
calls the westward sun
that dream, that dream
echoes, dances
chasing its tail
green aurora
watches over us all

i am
god's mistake
vicious, aggressive,
full of hate

i'm a dog
with sharp, sharp teeth
they grow back
when i've been beat

i sin and sin
and don't confess
don't give a ****
don't even stress

**** your god
and **** the devil
i am myself
i'm ******* special

the sun burns
angel feathers
dog barks
choking on purity
an alarm in the distance and
thousands wake up
but can't remember their names
the tulip closed
around the beetle
and says child,
i will protect you
when black ink pours
out the ears
make it stop!
oh god, please
make it stop

petrichor
fall-smell
apple crisp air with
fanged wind
halo sun
prismatic dew
children
golden honey locust
leaf rain
skipping rope
mushroom
cricket-call
fading
last rose bloom
frost
sugared grass
wilted petals
death.

i
want to sit
so still
so still
that the vines curl around me
like a hug

i
want to sleep
so deep
so deep
to be awoken by
the curiosity of bees

there was going to be a storm
and the air was still
we held our breath watching
the setting sun blaze through the clouds
curtain call
down the empty road
with old streetlights
mobbed by moths
white as the moonflowers
slowly stretching open as if
peeled by curious fingers
i stop to smell one
curtain call
but we don't have music
so i'll sing our reprise
duet with me, darling
peach scented words
as i idly play with your hair
and you with my choker necklace

i cannot dream
when enrobed by concrete
crumbling, desecrated
and peeling walls
kids used to play
past dark
bikes whizzing under street lights
but doors opened to us
and swallowed us whole
with teeth of televisions
and saliva of anxiety
sour, putrid, reeking
it still blows over my face to this day.

i crack a window.
and it is noon
i am six years old
watching the field,
(i can hold it in my little hand
like a ripe, green grape)
sway under the weight of
imaginary children's footsteps
and beloved animal paws
i am ten years old
and i listen
but it is still
except for the drone
cars and cicadas, on and on and on and on
my world holds its breath
until it becomes dizzy

the flurry of
diaphanous wings
dance to the beat
nature sings

lyrics of
the heat of july
perching on branches
we reply

here comes the honeyed
time of year
sun ripples like daisy
silk in my ear

gathered with love
first come the berries,
as summer rolls on
next are the cherries

the chorus is loudest
when peaches are red
dipping and diving
because we'll be dead

enjoy the goldenrod
while it lasts
these shimmering days
always go fast

by frost the air
will be silent, you'll see
piles of corpses
of you and me

summer is all

bare feet on concrete
diaphanous heartbeat
dustings of sand
and holding your hand
sun bleached hair
monarch winged air
prismatic sprinkler spray
and long, hazy days

bored, we scratch our legs
with blades of dry grass
watching the clouds in the slushie blue sky
eating our fill of cherries (they stained my dress!)
and floating, floating, floating away
on the dandelion seeds of childish wishes

i was born underground,
i was born with darkness all around
i was born with a voice
my own choice
but they never told me how to use it
so i was quiet.
so quiet,
listening for
the scraping of claws
and eating what they offered me
one day i felt
the sun on my face
and it was august,
the sky lit up like honey
and goldenrods swayed in the wind
and peaches ripened like blood on trees
and i had wings,
i had wings!
so i took to the sky
brushed the dirt from my eyes
and ran away from that accursed
brood
and my mood
rose up like campfire smoke to the heavens
oh what a heaven
there are more of us
and we're in love
so we sing and dance
and take our chances
zipping through the sky
on diaphanous wings
now i sing
and i sing
and i know
some people find it annoying but
i was silent and scared for so long
now im in love and
i know death rides for me
but im in love
there's no room for thoughts of tragedy
as long as you hold me and ravage me
all throughout this night
reverberating with the ecstasy
of all the earth's creatures crying out

it took me all these years to realize
you are no god;
when i fight back you bleed red
when you told me you'd bleed ichor instead

thunderstorms in june
he threads daisies
through her wet hair
he wraps bindweed
around her bruised neck

two young lovers,
hiding from the world
in a glistening meadow,
muddy bodies tangled
on a muddy blanket

her, a siren of the suburbs
with berry stained lips
lays with her apollo
with eyes of august honey
and a rifle instead of a bow

pulling bugs out of each others hair
wondering if life will always be like this
or if it will change
and how these memories
will feel in the distant future

as the chorus of crickets begins again
after the storm has cleared
the sun descends like a halo
we can't be late
it's time to go

her combat boots
hit the snow
jumping from
her window

stuffed her backpack
full of sweets
lollipops,
her favourite treat

bunny pajamas
and braided hair
she shivers but
she doesn't care

into the night
she wanders away
looking for somewhere
safe to stay

you can't live
on dreams alone
you need
to return home

"but they'll hurt me!"
she begs and pleads
she cries and gets
down on her knees

she looks so pretty
with her doe eyes
but nobody cares
what a surprise

"i don't think i'll go,
i'd rather die",
she turns away
and waves goodbye

another tween
suicide
another angel
chose to fly

i've got
intrusive thoughts
classic psych ward
grippy socks

put me
down to dream
floating on
quetiapine

angel wings
paper white
too close to the sun
they'll catch alight

too close to the dark
they'll drag me down
like the time
i tried to drown

because either i'm
feeling high
or else
i want to die

that's why i'm here
in the locked room
pacing up
and down the gloom

the warden says
its time for bed
trust me it will be
good for your head

i close my eyes
and dream of you
all the struggles
we've been through

yes i know
i'm insane
but i have you
to share my pain

from the cradle
to the grave
i was born
to be your slave

even though
i run away
i'll never forget
the things you say

even when
you drop dead
your voice will be
inside my head

just like a leash
around my neck
i am still
a nervous wreck

when you don't tell me
what to do
i still look up
searching for you

even when
you go to hell
heralded by
the church bell

your prints will be
all over my soul
the way abuse
takes its toll

staggering home after dark
pine needles in my hair
i've become a catholic mother's
worst nightmare

bruises and cuts
my dress in a tangle
crawling through
a raspberry bramble

ruined makeup
smudged with spit
he called me angel
but that isn't it

lost my cross necklace
somewhere in the dark
the one from my grandma
that shimmers and sparks

i'll do anything
because i'm in love
and that matters more
than the heavens above

i want to be
a mad artiste
i don't want to
contain the beast

with pills and trips
to the ward
i want my voice
to be heard

either be famous
for my art
or be famous
for breaking hearts

cut off an ear
use blood for ink
a starry sky
in tulip pink

when my death
shows up on tv
teenage girls say
i wish that was me

i lean my head on your arm as the radio drones on
rain splatters the windshield and it is cold,
so cold outside and the sun has set (i have to be home soon)
but it is so warm here with you that
i ask you to drive us off a cliff
because last month you asked me what mania feels like
and i know now that it is the held breath moment
between euphoric love and the world coming crashing down
like the final scene in one of those artistic movies
that i love so much and that you never got
but you suffered through watching for me

just like a dog,
i whimper and whine
what will they use
to hit me this time?

ears cocked back,
head bowed low
maybe they'll stop
if i make a show?

"bad dog, bad dog"
they simply say
"i've done nothing wrong,"
i howl and bay

i used to snarl,
i used to snap
i have no more strength
to fight back

i buried my teeth
in her scarred arm
she only laughed,
i can do no harm

my ancestors were wolves
they knew the way
but i am nothing
nothing but prey

i should have bit
the hand that feeds
before it became
the hand that beats

rotten lies rise
between my teeth
my silver tongue
and the stench of meat

now i could devour
the whole **** world
just to protect
that scared little girl

but i still can't
stand up to you
what the hell
did you do?

that day the sky was
****** mary blue
lying in snow
making angels with you
there are two scars
where they took my wings
one for each person
holding my strings
im still a puppet
with a hollowed out heart
thats why i fill it
with trinkets and art
thats why i feel
so bad when you're gone
and thats why im writing
this silly song
tomorrow ill be empty
and they'll see the hole
fill it with garbage
that's always been my role

lying
sneaking
starting fights
hiding bruises
crying silently
oversleeping
overeating
starving myself
hurting myself
hurting the people i love

bella donna
blurry eyes
rabbit masks
are our disguise
delirious
heart beat
hold me against
your body heat
poison glazed
shining teeth
you will be
the death of me
moon speckled
pale skin
datura and
the scent of sin
devouring
like starved beasts
my bloodied heart
will be our feast

fluffy white
bunny ears
what is it
that you hear?
down the
rabbit hole
insanity
will take its toll
it shows its face
in scribbled thoughts
it knows this place
the river rocks
where Ophelia lay
down to die
where poets say
the angels fly
where girls take
too many pills
vanilla cake
and blood spills
heads in the oven
like you know who
she's my idol
and yours too
we howl in the attic
on absinthe dreams
coloured static
the tv screams
a lovely face
fades into view
she's gone missing
she's joined the crew

skipping on tile floors
and singing out loud
a smile on my face
my head in the clouds
bathrobe sleeves
soaked with tears
the jangle of a pill bottle
stuffed rabbit ears
lithium salts
and jumping for joy
will i make a bad decision?
whose life will i destroy?
will it be my own
with the butterfly knife?
will i tangle myself up
in someone else's life?

i am a
snow splattered
stained glass window
shingles
falling off worn roofs
glitter
from a church dress
under your nails
the sound of a child
drawing portraits of the devil
a bunny's death scream
spent fireworks found
the next morning
a lullaby
a child sings to herself
an old graveyard
no one visits anymore
(except the coyotes)
lay a rose bouquet for me?

bad things happen
there's no reason
they just do

bad things happen
sometimes there's
nothing in them to learn

bad things happen
stop telling me i'm strong
for surviving how they hurt me

because bad things happen
i used to believe in god
i hate him with my whole heart now

red blossoms
on my wrists
rose scented
rosary beads
cannot protect me
halo light
only exposes
my sins
for god
to feast on
peeling my
festering heart
like a mandarin orange,
sinking his teeth
deep deep deep
into the black core
once there was
something pure there,
once i was clean
but i have been
ruined
i'm never
getting it back
no matter how
many crosses
hang above
my bed
no matter how much
holy water
rests dried
on my head

there is a pair
of angel wings
hanging
on a peg in my closet
dust dulls
their snow brilliance
but they are there
as a reminder

i can peel back the sky
and fly away
if i can't take it here
anymore
******* the wings
and jump
******* the wings
with a belly full of pills

most of the time
i don't think of them
but they are still there
old friend
their plush embrace
brushes over my scars
maybe they won't need to
come with me
when i die

I close my eyes and wish I was dead
(and so, I must again write about you)
because you only love me inside my head.

I try to calm down, but only see red
(I know this is bad, I'm afraid of me too)
I close my eyes and wish I was dead.

Some days I can scarcely get out of bed
this is quite the hole that I've sunk into,
because you only love me inside my head.

Why can't I think about anything instead?
there's so much I still need to do
I close my eyes and wish I was dead.

Something's wrong with me, I said
Something they would never help me through
because you only love me inside my head.

Out of this body my spirit fled,
into the night, on white wings we flew.
I close my eyes and wish I was dead
because you only love me inside my head.

oh gods, i have made
bread out of hope
eaten it watching
meteor showers
painted it all
in sacred runes
let it be blessed
by the light of the moon
i'm not asking for much
just something
more substantial than a nebula
because i've been running on hope
but my wolf mouth is hungry,
slavering for something
to sink my teeth into
feel the blood run from my mouth

a crow
croaks harshly,
sitting on
the wooden cross
atop the peeling
church roof
something here
is dead and rotten
the stench seeps
from inside
where a priest
lectures a group of children
sitting cross legged
on a wooden floor
about hell
honour thy father and mother
(even if they hurt me?)
or you will be
pitched into the flames
for all eternity,
he says,
looking down at
the pallid faces
and fawn- like eyes

i've got
pills in odd places,
taped to
tops of drawers
in teddy bear tummies
bags hidden inside leather boots

i've got
sticky notes,
all colours,
all over the room
because i can't remember anything
except for what i want to forget

i've got
a calendar,
with appointments in red
doctors, psychiatrists,
an army of people
trying to save me from my own head

and sometimes,
sometimes
it goes according to plan
sometimes i'm happy
and sometimes i still feel
like jumping

dark sky
green tea
go to bed
and think of me

soft hair
like plushie fur
skinned knees
full of dirt

hair pins
and winter chill
watching the moon
climb over the hill

i feel safe
when i'm with you
please don't leave
like the others do

hot pink
lipstick
starting fires
lighters click
self harm
relapse
why do you
keep doing that?
confessions
at midnight
a promise made
hold me tight
i know
it will never last
i move things
way too fast
they all leave
when it gets bad
i can't blame them
i'm totally mad
but god i feel
so alone
i want someone
to be my home

pink princess gowns
                                                           ­ mud                        lace barrettes
                           bird corpses
                                                         ­       cherry candy
                       dried blood
                                          tea parties                  fabric fairy wings
         the therapist's office
                  spoiled milk                                           secret bruises
                         church bells
wooden spoons                                            jump rope
                                       bathroom scales
                                                          ­    lily of the valley smell
                rough hands
                                             january
    fourteen                                             ­                metal belt buckles
       teddy bears                 closets
                                            glitter pens in a diary                
autumn leaves
                                  rage
                   ­                               sugared raspberries
          grandma's apron
                                                        pur­ple nail polish
                                                          ­                               report cards
                        old cassettes
                                                       ­        cedar trees
flip phones
                                         kitchen knives

i've killed dozens
does, rabbits and hares
but i've never
caught myself a bear
they're crafty and clever
too strong to subdue
without special tactics
and i know a few
should i gain her trust
using a disguise?
should i gaze into
her frost tipped eyes?
run my hands
through her white fur?
listen to her gentle
relaxed purr?
now she's trapped
in my cruel snare
crying, distraught,
but i don't care
i could end it all
with a shot to the head
but i always loved
when they struggled and bled

a singing voice
that sounds
like ******
in my stomach
how much
did you take?
enough to heal
the angel wings
they took from me
they can carry me
i'm small
i'm still a child
i reply in a lilting voice
my head falling back
pink ribbons
on a lace pillow
i see halos
i'm home

i'm toxic
i hurt everyone i love
maybe i deserve to be alone

like a rabbit
i'm light on my feet
must be the lucky
clover i eat
i was born in
a wolf's mouth
i felt his fangs
but i didn't cry out
i know to be quiet,
i know how to hide
they can't get me
when i'm inside
i know how to listen
i know how to wait
i can hear when their voices
are tainted by hate
but most of all
i know how to run
my big white ears
catching the sun

pillow den
plush pink
cancel plans
stay in to think
blood on the walls
trash on the floor
i don't care
close the door

angel-sweet
docile
like a puppy
in a pink collar
i don't bark any more
i don't even flinch
i let it happen
i must like it,
don't i?

i write sad poems
but the truth is,
sadness is nothing like poetry
and mental illness is nothing like the movies
there is no beauty to be found here
no elegance in self destruction
no metaphor in depression
no art in this love
and they all leave once they see that
they can't heal me, nothing can
and there is nothing pretty
about the things i do
so don't look back
go somewhere else
be happy.

i'm brave,
i say
i'm brave, i'm brave
but no amount of words
can hide the rotting wound inside me
no amount of aggression
can hide that they pulled out my teeth

on the school bus
the expansive blue sky
watching the leaves
flutter and fly

resting my head
on your shoulder
feeling the air
grow slightly colder

i pull a leaf
out from my sleeve
it's all so perfect
i can't believe

the day is over
i'm going home
at least for the weekend
i'll be alone

so i tried my hardest
to remember it all
that magical day
in the middle of fall

maybe that is why
i remember it still
whenever the air
picks up a little chill

i can smell apple juice
pumpkins and hay
i can still feel
pink boots caked in clay