oh gods, i have made
bread out of hope
eaten it watching
meteor showers
painted it all
in sacred runes
let it be blessed
by the light of the moon
i'm not asking for much
just something
more substantial than a nebula
because i've been running on hope
but my wolf mouth is hungry,
slavering for something
to sink my teeth into
feel the blood run from my mouth

a crow
croaks harshly,
sitting on
the wooden cross
atop the peeling
church roof
something here
is dead and rotten
the stench seeps
from inside
where a priest
lectures a group of children
sitting cross legged
on a wooden floor
about hell
honour thy father and mother
(even if they hurt me?)
or you will be
pitched into the flames
for all eternity,
he says,
looking down at
the pallid faces
and fawn- like eyes

i've got
pills in odd places,
taped to
tops of drawers
in teddy bear tummies
bags hidden inside leather boots

i've got
sticky notes,
all colours,
all over the room
because i can't remember anything
except for what i want to forget

i've got
a calendar,
with appointments in red
doctors, psychiatrists,
an army of people
trying to save me from my own head

and sometimes,
sometimes
it goes according to plan
sometimes i'm happy
and sometimes i still feel
like jumping

dark sky
green tea
go to bed
and think of me

soft hair
like plushie fur
skinned knees
full of dirt

hair pins
and winter chill
watching the moon
climb over the hill

i feel safe
when i'm with you
please don't leave
like the others do

hot pink
lipstick
starting fires
lighters click
self harm
relapse
why do you
keep doing that?
confessions
at midnight
a promise made
hold me tight
i know
it will never last
i move things
way too fast
they all leave
when it gets bad
i can't blame them
i'm totally mad
but god i feel
so alone
i want someone
to be my home

pink princess gowns
                                                           ­ mud                        lace barrettes
                           bird corpses
                                                         ­       cherry candy
                       dried blood
                                          tea parties                  fabric fairy wings
         the therapist's office
                  spoiled milk                                           secret bruises
                         church bells
wooden spoons                                            jump rope
                                       bathroom scales
                                                          ­    lily of the valley smell
                rough hands
                                             january
    fourteen                                             ­                metal belt buckles
       teddy bears                 closets
                                            glitter pens in a diary                
autumn leaves
                                  rage
                   ­                               sugared raspberries
          grandma's apron
                                                        pur­ple nail polish
                                                          ­                               report cards
                        old cassettes
                                                       ­        cedar trees
flip phones
                                         kitchen knives

i've killed dozens
does, rabbits and hares
but i've never
caught myself a bear
they're crafty and clever
too strong to subdue
without special tactics
and i know a few
should i gain her trust
using a disguise?
should i gaze into
her frost tipped eyes?
run my hands
through her white fur?
listen to her gentle
relaxed purr?
now she's trapped
in my cruel snare
crying, distraught,
but i don't care
i could end it all
with a shot to the head
but i always loved
when they struggled and bled