I seriously am fighting off depression. I feel it creep up on me. I feel it try to take hold. its so scary. if you seen what depression has done to me. the things it allowed me to do to myself. its ******* terrifying. absolutely ******* terrifying. twice this year I strangled myself. ironically both times the cops pounded on the door. It was that second time I was nearly gone. I even took pics and a video of it. seeing the sweat and the gray in my face. the incoherent look on my face the lack of muscle response. I was nearly asleep. So close. Than that loud familiar bang on the door. It caused a great shot of panic in my resting nearly sleeping body. I felt the veins in my neck pulse forcing the blood past the wrapped extension cord on my neck. I tried to ignore the knock and adrenaline rush. Than my phone rang. they were calling me now. my anxiety grew and I came fully back into reality scared and nervous I frantically shuffle around trying to remove the the cord that was wrapped at least five times around my neck. I struggled and panicked because I couldn't loosen the knot. The banging continued. I was so afraid they were going to kick the door in. the Phone rang again. I knew it was them "unknown" caller at 2am I finally got the cords off from around my neck as i look up i see flash lights shinning into the basement windows. my panic grew, the thoughts of me going to prison because i tried to **** myself. flood my mind. the Phone rang again, hastily I answered. "yeah everything is ok" I spoke as soon as I hit answer. "Mr. Joyce this is the Charlotte police dept. we need you to answer your door." all I could think was there going to take me away again. I'm in trouble because of how I feel. I responded "I'm coming right now I was in the basement" I make my way up the stairs and the music from my tv had to be blaring at nearly max. I didn't remember having it so loud. I run over and hit the ps3 power button cutting all the music entirely and made my way to the front door.

The night sky was split into two
When I fell deep into you
The mere thought of suicide
Left wrists of sadness open wide

The night sky cried, yet it wasn't rain
Only sad memories, blood and pain
Loving you one last time, a final try
Kissing lifeless lips, your empty eyes I dry

A ancient spell I speak, reunite we will
The night sky flashes, time stands still
Reaching inside all the way to your soul
Through the madness I lost control

I can't help but want to remove your skin
Touching your cold body I grin
You can live! Well as long as I
The excitement builds as I look to the sky

Reaching for your sad and suicidal blade
Feeling your emotions wanting to play
The cutting, is quite easier than I thought
Glancing to the sky the clouds and moon fought

So much skin I nearly have it all
Nervous laughter echoes from the hall
The night sky sent us a friend indeed
Sowing the seeds of flesh is what we need

Needles and thread the work was quick
Nails to lips I felt every poke and *****
A look into the mirror the skies creation
A horrifying, grotesque, abomination

What exactly is it I have unknowing done
Moonlight from the sky glistens the gun
Crying, I fall back into your life
One shot rang I wasn't finished where's the knife

Time stood quiet as I held onto you
Crying and holding you is all I could do
The night sky swallowed by the daybreak
Your suicide was not the only mistake

Right now I would like to say hello
******, chilled, relaxed and mellow
I was just sitting here and got to thinking

The way you smile and cringe at my poetry
Always makes me smile and that's the real me
Because without your reminder I feel alone
So lets take this moment and get ******

You might not comment or even like my ****
But we can't deny feelings are understood and legit
And to me that means a lot so here's a thank you
For letting me having a wonderful breakthrough

And just know ill keep an eye on you
Reading your struggles while you breakthrough
I might not comment or even like your ****
But I'm still there with you and never regretting it

Ok so you wanted to see a lighter side
Dive wide in, open eyes wide
I'm not going to lie I like your attention
Your profile is pic is cute thought I mention
The way you use words its almost a live conversation
Lost, than a message from you breaks concentration
Somehow that frown became a smile its because of you
However being darker in heart I must remain true
Your pain enlightens me and gives a good vibe
Because I was nearly there, I too nearly died
Its that billionth try and finally someone understands
I can leave the happiness to pull you back to land
And when there's those rivers of tears, yeah you what im talking about
Come along they revive my dry and scathed drought
You may again come, you may again go.
You may be well, you may be out of control.
Its all good though because I'm a friend a friend indeed
Perhaps in the darkest of times together we will bleed

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Deep Underground Poetry
Poems   Death  Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)

Image for the poem Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
Best friend (Dec.1st 2017)
That day my best friend took his life
It wasn't pills, gun, or a knife
Instead he took an extension cord and put it to use
For what brought life to electronics caused the ultimate abuse
The last words he spoke
Before the final choke
I love you man, I'm sorry...

Many calls and messages I tried to send
Was this happening? Was I losing my best friend
A pray to the skies even though I do not believe
Your number rings in the late a.m I awoke semi relived

A female voice spoke I knew than before a word was said
My dearest best friend was really gone and dead
A feeling like never before enveloped me into awareness
Living how we want too but to **** embarrassed

Two days prior you asked, you asked if I would be at your side
And together best friends would honor the welcoming of suicide
And here I sit alone waiting for your guidance to the unknown
Slit wrists, electrical nooses, belly of pills gun shots left my mind blown

I hear a knock on the door
I take notice to the whisky on the floor
A quick spray of fragrance
Adrenaline pumps, lets dance
Kicking the bottle under the bed
Quickly fixing the hair on my face and head
Answering the door, greeting with a smile
Chatting and laughing for quit a awhile
The dark thoughts enter my head
Her and I are forever dead
Control myself and play it cool
Laughing with beauty she thinks I'm a fool
I can feel it, she wants my money and worth
Not me though and that **** hurts
What hurts more is the stabbing of her pretty face
Faster and faster like some kind of death race
Now she's ******, silent, yet still pretty cute
I grab my gun, aim to my head and try too shoot
No bang just a click, I'm frozen with fear
A knock at the door! She's finally here

I am all about life
Yet I am still suicidal
Come drink and laugh for awhile
Killing ourselves again this night

The potential for abuse was high
Not a day went by that I didn't cry
Sitting in silence, suffering through the pain
Grinding on gears with rusted and faulty chains
After thirty-five long and lonely years
Still living in darkness, anger and fear
I can't help but often as myself why
Why after all this pain am I still alive
Its self abuse to the fullest and I'm forever trapped
Blind, in search for a new beginning with no map
Holding onto whatever life means
The pressure from depression is breaking the seams
Waking again choosing a mask from my closet
Happiness isn't there, someone went and robbed it
Tired now of being fake and playing pretend
A blood stained rose petal and suicide letter I send
I know you have received them before
But I'm already gone before this reaches your door