best friends for over half my life.
taken bullets from guns and dulling the knife.
a connection of care and true love
showing the good and who I really was.
your smile and compassionate hugs
better choices suggested than these **** drugs.
every night dreaming and screaming for the end
saved once again by my true best friend
many years pass so many trials of self hate
your beautiful eyes show me there's an escape.
when I'm in doubt I know I can rely on you
if you were gone forever what would I do
can't help but fall in love and deep into you
the savior you've become is real and something true

than came that time i feel darker and less of a man
you seem confused and less willing to understand
my rock, my pillow, the one that kept me alive
alone now dying, crying, wondering how to survive.
its work, the relationship and a new house
fading from your eyes and mind wondering how
I know now I'm a grown *** man
without you I feel like I can't even stand.
the texts and the calls become lesser by the day
but that depression has its ways.
calling out for help but you can't be reached
Sad on the outside deeper within suicide creeps
waking another day am I alive wondering in panic
living day to day I can't ******* handle it
you say you love me and really do care
but in the darkest times your longer never aware

A phone call placed to you not by me but the police
locked up in a mental ward with more drugs no release.
we talk every night and you choose to call me
the connection we had mends and feels healthy
My confidence grows and I feel like a man
Giving me support and love whenever you can.
the doubts, anger, worries all subside
but deep beneath this smile I think of suicide

again more time passes and you become to busy
Always missing you, wishing you missed me
dark feelings engulf and slowly take over
Suicide sounds fine thinking of that closure.
one last call, voicemail again my final feelings heard
your my best friend I'm sorry this may seem absurd
When that breaking point hits like a ton of bricks
Left alone to worry about me being mentally sick
I wish you were there at least this ******* time
because this is farewell my suicide my final goodbye

Distant not by my choice but mental corruption
Smiling and laughing involuntarily participating in self destruction
I miss all your smiles and laughs those good times
Covered in more emotional and physical scars lying "im fine"
Dont worry about me this life is better and its great
Sadly I lie to all who care, I just dont want you to see me this way.
I'm afraid if I open up my feelings to any of you
The dark and tormented will grab hold and stick like glue
I'm sorry I lie but its only because i love and care for you all
Even I dont know you, id never wish you on this side of The wall
I know there are ones out there that relate and understand
Even than feeling I should keep distant though wishing to hold hands
I dont know how much longer I really have to live
The best I can do is thank you for taking the time to read this

yeah, yeah, oh yeah

living alone feeling non exsistant
so close to the world yet so distant
where is life? I must of missed it
could i get another ******* ticket?

devil man says no! God man creeps away on his tippy toes. was I destined to be a ghost? gobble up souls I eat the most.

-depressed yet its so amusing-

living in reverse. forced to smile life's biggest curse. alive and riding in the back of a hearse.
deep gashes of self hate.. the blood carried it all away. what can I say? to feel the pain you got to pay. not for tomorrow but yesterday and today come into my head won't you stay?

yeah... oh yeah...

I've been looking for someone like you. to help me understand what to do. trapped lost confused no clue
seeing myself pale skin lips blue
the body dropped spirit flew. high in the sky and back into her

Nearly 48 hours now and still wide awake
Exhausted, depressed, the anxiety over takes
Thoughts racing, blurring, spiraling out of control
Wishing for some ****, I'm at ease when I'm ******
Music fills my ears but its not what's playing on the radio
Am I lost? Here, over there, what is this show
Sleep deprived, shaky, in a dream like state
Nervous, manic looking for someone to relate
Should I call in to life and take this crazy day off
Blurry eyes, hair stands on end I'm here but lost
Almost tripping, yet I have had no drugs to try
So amazing how this anxiety takes hold and makes time fly
Should I just press forward and continue to stay awake
Regretting something but what was this mistake
Clearly distraught the madness will not loosen its grip
Outside semi calm, inside a nervous raging fit
I'm ok right? The mirror is refusing to answer
Inside something testers and grows like a hidden cancer
I should have taken the offering of pills from the doc
Two seconds with every click why this clock
Sick, queasy, I have to regain control not for me but my kids
The hallway seems longer, is it blood? What the **** is this
Only halloween props thank God everyone is ok
Backwards going in reverse yet birds and sun start the day
Run, I want to run. I need to run but nowhere to run to
I'm now realizing I'm online live and writing poetry
This, this.. It hurts... Very bad. This anxiety is taking over me
Breath deep in and out relax your mind find a happy place
Back to my feet, can't relax I have dreams to chase
How can I possibly catch my dreams without any sleep
Darker unwanted thoughts begin to stir and creep
Writing this now almost a hour in but it feels like mere fraction
Stress to my already broken heart what is going to happen
Its gone now, it just up and left as quick as it came
Mental troubles, depression, anxiety loving to play these games
I can't possibly prepare for another surprise round
Laying my head now, relaxed, at ease than the alarm sounds

Hi there, you dont know me and I dont know you
What I'm about to say is uncomfortable but here goes
-***-
The true inner me is twisted, sad, ugly, full of truth wishing I could lie
I have kids but never really enjoyed *** due to molestation and victims of lies
Its been almost 8 years and still uncomfortable when it comes to ***
Only really in the mood with degrading acts but feel as though its disrespect
I have no idea why I am turned on by these crazy and awful things
Wanting to hurt, punish, humiliate are the softer side that thoughts bring
Loving to cuddle and laugh and share my time with someone I love
Always falls short because of demented thoughts wishing to just cuddle and hug
Its not just the *** there are deeper and darker things
-Loathing-
I look in the mirror and hate what the reflection reveals
Spitting, hitting, the dark emotions from my mind I painfully peel
Self absorbed in self hatred madness what is self-esteem
A pleasure arises from masochism self mutilation loving to hate on me
Ugly, stupid, worthless, Bruise me, bleed me, hang me to dry
I apologize for the rawness but in this writing I vowed I would not lie
-Other me-
A shell of a semi masculine bearded man
Tall, dark and maybe handsome sometimes I cannot stand
Feeling most confident in a skirt and adorable patterned tights
Pretty lipstick, tight fitting flare jeans a bra somehow feels right
The stigma from society its wrong, I'm gay, but I'm perfectly straight
Rare times I build the courage to step outside, fearful of a deadly hate
Inside the house looking and feeling confident and pretty
Confused, is it ok? Is it bad? These are struggles within me
-Outro-
So stranger that is what lies deep and dark beneath
Quit nervous to hit submit, a little hard to breathe
Thank you kindly for reading about the inner me
I mean this with much love, respect and deepest sincerity

friends have came and gone over the years
but to those who remained through my trials and fears
I really thought like way down deep inside
with love and compassion your in for the life long ride
only those few I entrust the deepest inner me
now stranded in darkness with no friends to see
reaching out not for pity but to see how you've been
the lack of emotions and compassion is this really my friend
swept aside claims of being too busy followed by an empty sorry
communication sparks a smile feeling now ok with me
more silence as days pass on into nights
often wondering if I should call to make sure your alright
I take it with a grain of salt and wait a few more days
inside my head all the fun crazy times with you play
wishing to smile but those joyous memories bring pain
Am I no longer worth it, worthless, stupid perhaps insane
shaky hands and a deep depressed mind
what to text and say carefully choosing my rhymes
afraid of a response that will sink me even darker in my mind
instead no response at all counting down the time
I wish you were there even for a second at least
feeling sadder drifting farther from any kind of peace
I am always here for you always have been always will
starring into an empty phone time seems to stand still
feeling less important now almost worthless in ways
a reply back after a week, month, to many days
same story just from another best  friend
Is being to busy how this friendship ends?

Its nearly 3 am yet again
Up late lonely wondering about friends
I look back on all the friends that come and go
Than there's that rare few that remained for the show
As time presses on suicides leaving me behind
A couple left so distant "busy" sure that's fine
Attempts to find new friends and again just used
Money, greed, my time stolen just more abuse
I fall back on the few true friends that remain
And again just to busy, from them all its just the same
Lonely, stressed, looking for that friend to talk to
Unanswered texts for days, calls ignored from me to you
Feelings darken, questions flood my mind
Why I am no longer worth anyone's thoughts and time
Checking back in to me seldomly here and there
I really think but no longer feel you really care
A self image in the mirror ugly, depressed, broken teeth
Caring, loyal, honest, fun, loving, creative this is what lies beneath
Hating myself, because I feel you in fact hate me
Is this what is created after years of laughter and insanity
I know you live a busy life, well so do I
But a time in need is a time indeed, alone asking why
I've poured all my emotions, strength, love and effort into you
A slight fraction of that in return would be amazing and true
Yet I struggle alone in the chaos and madness of life
Sorting through the emotional pieces sorting wrongs from right
Destined to be alone I regretfully and sadly realize
I'm nothing special nor important just a lost memory in everyone minds
I accept the failure, I accept this dreadful defeat
Just know after this suicide you will never be able to call on me
Cry tears of nothing and act like now you really did care
But those little texts and smiles, those times you could have been there.
Its to late now, no its not your fault it was a personal choice
My life, my emotions, my body, my unheard voice
Just please when I'm dead and gone dont act like you give a ****
Because truly in the end it was you all I missed