The night gave off an uneasiness
There was a static storm looming
I closed my eyelids in eagerness
Hoping for sleep to consume the feeling

I saw him walking beside me
A memory endlessly creeping in
Once again his step falls behind me
Filling me with pain and panic

I turn almost instinctually
Grasping a blade tightly in hand
Striking him with unnerving velocity
A reoccurring dream of killing him

I want to write poetry
But
What am I to write about?

I could tell you about
The horse I had at 3
That my parents sold at 4,

Or the Taco Bell up the street
That was closed
For selling drugs out the back window,

Or even the time
That my dad crushed an ant
Into our old cement patio
And tears sprang to my eyes because
I was sure that the ant had a family somewhere
Who would expect him home any minute.

But those aren’t very pleasant things
And I’m not able to make rhymes,

So I am forced to face the truth
That maybe
I am not a very pleasant person.

How many times will I lie and say I'm fine?
Put a smile on my face and pretend I'm alright.

No one knows the difference. I'm too good to fail.
Who will see through the mask? See that I am frail.

I'm so afraid to ask for help. Too proud to tell the truth.
Yet I want so badly to try. But I'm far too hesitant to move.

Every lie just piles up with the others. Always bringing me down.
I feel like the king of sorrow. The scars inside are my crown.

I wish someone would find me here and pull me from this hell.
I wish I wasn't so proud and afraid. All I want to do is yell.

I'm not sure where to turn anymore, and I honestly don't care.
I hate my own apathy. I'm so tired of the fact that I'm scared.

But oh, how I lie. I pretend that I'm still fine.
As if no pain surrounds me. Truth is, I wish I could die.

Loving him was like finding a new book
Not knowing what it's about or even if your going to like it
But you open that first page and fall in love with the words
Needing to read more and more
Picturing what your reading
But then you come to those last pages
Ending of the book the book you fell hopelessly in love with
Finishing the book you don't know what to do after all the hope and all the feelings you had for those characters are gone.
Are just a memory in your mind
That you have to play over and over again
To fell like it was real again
Leaves you empty and broken
until you find that next book.
Leaving a new mystery for you to slove.

What kind of society do we live in that makes people feel this way?

I told myself I would never succumb,
I pace back and forth with tears streaming down my face
telling myself again and again
"I'm strong I'm strong"

I look in the mirror
and I beg to see something beautiful.
I beg to find pretty,
but I have yet to see it.
"You're beautiful You're beautiful"
I tell myself again and again
But I never believe it.

I collapse to the ground, sobbing
because I've failed.
six water bottles
and feeling sick
as that hopeless feeling takes over me.

I look in the mirror
and beg for a sign that I'm okay
something to tell me I don't have to do this.

But there I end up,
crippled over the toilet
vomiting my insecurities.

What else can you do.
You starve yourself but nothing changes,
You exercise none stop
but you stay the same.

You've thrown away the food in the house
to keep the bare, healthy minimum.

Nothing changes.
Nothing but shivers
and a voice
that knows you'll do anything for a touch;
Maybe if I'm skinny,
I won't be alone.
Maybe,
Someone will find me pretty enough to ask if I'm okay.
I wouldn't have to sit here sobbing
feeling hopeless.

But nothing changes.
Nothing changes and I can't stop the tears.
Looking into that horrific mirror,
Looking back at that red,
pudgy,
unpleasant face
mocking me.

A broken body

with a  broken mind

what else can I do,

when nothing changes?

I'm not saying it won't be hard.
This is the most difficult thing you will ever do.
I dare you to leave home,
And never look back.
Talk to your family for their benefit,
Only to neglect your own desire to call out to them,
Because that makes it harder.
Forget your friends,
So you may realize how much you don't need them,
And who your real friends truly are.
Suppress old memories,
In order to make room for many more,
To have a real definition of what it means to live.
Most of all, discover what happiness is in purest form:
The sun on your hair,
Fingers aching after playing guitar for too long,
Understanding a language more foreign than you know,
And a smile from a stranger.
All of this for what?
To know the world just a little bit better
And find a home outside of your comfort.