but the truth is
i never wanted to be alone

i just wanted to get away
from those who don't understand
whatever the hell is going on
inside of my soul

because there's so much conflict
and thoughts wrestling inside
of my brain;

i don't need to be around someone
who doesn't understand it

so, i guess, i chose solitude
if you can even really call it that

i'm stuck in a cage made out of
my own fears
whether they be fiction or real

(who knows the difference
between them nowadays
anyway?)

and now i'm just learning to try again
because all i've been doing is
giving up on myself and everyone else.

all of the poems i try to bleed feel incomplete
so that's why i haven't really written anything lately

i guess it's kind of like

sometimes you want something so much that you can feel it boring a hole through your soul
but when you get it you just go numb and your heart won't believe it

i guess.

i don't know.

maybe i just got so used to pessimism
or maybe i just got so used to everything being so dark

maybe i forget hope sometimes because i haven't been looking at Him

either way, i'm trying

not all those who wander are lost.

i fear i feel
too strongly
too much

i fear i overwork
my emotions
and heart

i fear i won't
be able to stop
these emotions
drenching my
crooked soul

i can hear the wind blow;
tonight i'll stay up late just to watch
the sky glow with bright orange

there are people in this world
that i'd like to know, but
i'd never meet, i'd never see
somehow that really saddens me

my mind is clouded with thoughts
that stream on and on and on and on,
sometimes i don't know what to do at all
other than turn up the volume of the radio
to play a terrible pop song

these are the days that must happen to you,
a wise man once said

i just wish, sometimes,
i had someone special to experience it with.

monsters exist
but only in my head
smetimes they appear in my dreams
but the scenes last only a split second

i've been drinking too much caffeine
and driving myself a little insane;
i've been listening to sad records and wishing in vain,

and i've been trying, trying, trying
but all i've done is cry
and i've been doing my best fixing up holes in my soul
but still my passions leak - out they go and disappear

it's been a strange year

Rilke said you go through important changes while you're sad
i hope so, i hope he's right
because i've been sad for a long time
and i'm starting to think this isn't worth it

if someone loves me, won't they tell me?
won't you tell me before i shut off completely?

i know i'm not as sad as i let myself believe
but sometimes it all just feels so real

what is this in front of me?
this false notion of what i'd like to be
take it away; i can't see
this is too painful to be a reality

i'm caught up in all the wrong things
and got my affections stuck in all the wrong places
silly me, will i ever learn this time?
i've been here a thousand times
and all i've done about it is rhyme

there really is no excuse;
maybe i am just a desperate soul
but i know the truth and i think that makes it worse

come here
don't come here
hold my hand
but not my heart

i just need someone to love me but i don't want to fall in love.