crawling the web
at night
come closer

for better or worse
i am
what i think
they think
i am
more or less

puddles of flesh
warmth by liquid
splashing against insides
of veins
everything buzzes yellow
as her lips rise and tremble
her eyes, widen and resemble
clean dinner plates
the walls and floor spinning
I fall into confusion
my stomach twists
my heart drops
and the light is gone.

she was like a stallion
galloping through the grocery store -
kicking people in the face
and breaking objects constantly -
she was like a lion in a hen house -
i was like a piece of candy
being held by a baby -
she was like a can of gasoline in a fireplace
i was the tiny mist of fume of gas from when u filled the
stupid canister because
we broke
down and you said
you'd walk, i was a witness
she was a tyrant - she was a gift
i was a loss, i was so lost

I'm sorry I said that
You didn't deserve that
They say every body is a broken bell -
That must explain the ringing in my ears
I can't tell you no -
I know, -  I should tell you no -
But no, I can't tell you no -
Oh - here I am again,
night owl at a crow bar -
another situation I was leveraged into -
but somehow so far, so so-so, so mediocre -
So far, away, you must be by now

Such a long sigh
for a girl with a such a shortness of breath -
She's explaining to me why
I should already be kissing her neck -
hands all over my back, to be
inevitably covered in sweat, she reads
Comso on her lunch break - (back to)
back to punching numbers in the face -
(day to)
day dreaming how much wine one could taste -
the thought alone, my stomach rolls like a vehicle out of control, knowing cold how much time one could waste -
it's a trait
We grew up with. (and)
I'm disgusted.
Even myself cannot be trusted,
so why would I even touch this?
Frail female with a ten foot pole?
Good thing I'm packing eleven
If they're playing games?
They should fold, I'm betting
with a wrist of aces
a hand that can't lose
how far should I take this?

i spill thoughts
like sloshy truck drivers
alchol-tinged tears burning the lips
of mothers that lost their everything
fathers, their legacy -
He was driving on the wrong side of the road.
i hear my voice
but my mouth doesn't budge
i wonder if all this
is worth fixing

i have a few
     people let's say
who i thought i knew
but chose to keep the truth at bay
breathless ravines
dark chasms and streams
unanswered prayers because
     He can't understand.
this modern language
tongues of
anger and lust
tied tight in a knot
dripping with sweat
i hear his pain inside my cough
and the body is a stage
from which the soul
leaps off.

You were bubbly and great
at giving
gifts - You knew
what I wanted
before I wanted
it -
You presented
love on a silver screen
and I played the antagonist
Promising stars
not bloodshed or widespread panic -
You had pigtails and a short skirt
You bought me flowers and a new shirt
You thought I was magic but in fact cursed
everyone around me, because the truth hurts
when it arises after a set of lies -
Oh, a set of eyes
bright
and wet
I miss.

he's an Atheist
Paul said, with a jeer -
to Jane, rolling her big wet
and blue eyes -
Paul's an atheist
Jane's not - but, i
never asked Jane what it all meant
Jane, - i
didn't realize he'd be here
Jane, i didn't hear what he said
he's an idiot (a word she hates)
i like Jane
she too,
despises Paul.

Sometimes  -
I wish I could Photoshop my life  
Instead of snapchatting every lonely birthday cake,
covered in dried wax because when I went to make a wish -
I didn’t know where to start.
A new camera?
A shiny bright white microwave?
World peace? A hand to hold without
someone else pointing fingers at me?
By the time I was ready to blow,
the static had already had us -
Like a volcano sinking into the ocean
I wanted more than anything to burst new land -
but I fizzled -
Sometimes I want to meet someone off Tinder
Right here and right now
plan to have *** and fall in love.
Sometimes I think that the only people who marginalize us
is ourselves - like when
You and I broke up, it felt like the galaxy started to get pulled in the wrong direction
Like - some alien black matter wanted whatever piece of light I had left,
and I almost let go. But if almost’s and black holes
were the same, I wouldn’t still be here.
Something balanced out.
And then ironically, I saw you at a gas station
Pulled over. You said you’d been missing me.
That’s when I saw the mathematics of the environment.
Binaries that gave way to greater purpose.
A reason to rhyme, I’d found it.
Completely astounded, I allowed it,
to take over every shred of second I had left on this clump of dirt.
Isn’t it amazing -
That some days, weeks even
I’ll wake up, in a daze, weak, not notice a bottle of water
on a table, or desk - and there are days
I will go without water, head ringing before bed
And I’m wondering why, water is gathering dust
my will to continue with you going dry - wondering why
wondering why it went down like it did
why, you were so caught on by something your mother said years ago.
For ****'s sake, had she been high?
Or at least tripping over her own ego -  we will never know.
But that’s something I see every day.
People who smile, to get a smile
To smile, and I just smile back

it's over it's over
even though it's just begun
i'm older and bolder
but maybe i'm numb
over and over
we forget what's to come
cold shoulders hear i told you
to turn around and run

just shut up and listen.

I'm over you.

there's this Girl
i like.
She comes  by  once every
Thursday night, Six o'clock
Pulling in right in front in her
White Mercedes car -
She's always on time.
Meanwhile I'm late, but -
Cursing cruising down the interstate -
Weaving up lanes and weazing up smoke -
She's already at my place
And she's ready to go.
I think -
I love -
her.
But there's no way she feels the same.

misery's a matter of believing motivation matters more than discipline




https://soundcloud.com/the_mjv/follow-you-there

It's been some time
Since I last saw you -
I wonder how you've been,
And if the thought of
What we had, and what went wrong
I wonder if you want me back
Or if it's all been gone - yeah
I still wonder about your dreams
If you've met them yet, or if you still pine for me -
I had a dream -
It was just you and I riverside
holding hands and clouds passing by
I could taste the air -
I could see the time stand silent -
Tall and forgiving and us, passing by it

i am a hot mess, she said
with a white hot smile
piercing a migraine deep into my face
i didn't know what to say
i'm charming, i
burn liquids at a rate that would make
American forefathers sick
i'm careful, i
hit speeds in my head that could break
this atmosphere like a warm shell
in a cold barn, i
am aware
of the spoiled foot i discard
without shame - i
am not alone is this, she said

the possibilities are endless
leaning against those city lights

I haven't written a poem in days.
I tell myself,
"These aren't the days you write, man -
these are the days you write about. "
Ok brain, that's cool and sounds
metaphorical and dark, I'll take it.
Then days turn into weeks, weeks into months -
And before I realize it, my stomach is
outside of my body - and mind,
wet, and cold among organs
pitifully trapped - I tell jokes
without punchlines, and dream without color - the food
doesn't taste like it used to, and the clouds
sometimes don't move for hours

The memories I have of her
are vivid - I recall meals we shared
years ago, the flavor in my mouth
is richer now, than it was then
The wine, pouring from her mouth
Like honey, like chopping onions
in the morning, I still hear her
knife hitting the board with each crack -
and when I woke up late, she said goodnight
Memories I have of her are volatile -
Like a red canister of gasoline
on my porch on the fourth of July
while birds build nests
I slowly burn myself to the ground

love loss?
more like blood loss -
got my wings then
shoved shocked
like a
dove tossed
to be shot - out of the sky
pushed and pulled between the lies
yeah there's nothing left once the trust is gone
and honestly
after i have had the
opportunity
to think -
i don't know if it ever even existed.
for example:
i have been digging for existence
building majestic castles in the clouds
un-wishing past convictions
and asking for forgiveness now.
but how? and by whom?
and why is the dungeon i'm in - my room?
and every single day it doesn't improve?
it worsens -
when it's just money and breath i have to lose -
I'll open a window if I need some new air -
I'll break through a window if I need some new gear -
I'd do just about anything to give you, what's fair -
but I'll stop right there
because life's not fair
you might get trampled by a stampede at the renaissance fair
just after you went and paid your fare, to stand right here
and wait your turn.
I say no. I say no.
ok maybe, I have no control as of lately.

i am the dust
that emerges from
the crack in the Earth
when the plates shift
and the chasms orange and clay and
the rivers that ran, have run dry
the trees bear no fruit
and there's a dead-ness in her eyes -
i haven't seen a sunrise
i've never watched a sunset
i can see the tides, rise
but believe it hasn't begun yet

i can't sit on a swing without
thinking of you -
it's the way the wind
hits my face - at least, we still
both breathe the same air -
i tell myself
You're not a kid anymore.
i can't just eat sweets until i get sick -
i can't take a trembling drag of a cigarette
by the bathroom window without
crashing halfway though a psychosis -
i - can tell you where down is, though

What's my tick?
What ***** the life from you as I
Talk? I want to
Taste - the sand between your
Toes - I'm the lemon of your eye
The moment before
The small talk -
Or is it worse?
Am I the bad mouth cool
Stumbling from the bar
Cursing the bartender as he's getting in his car -
I reach for my keys
Are we each this disease?
Virus shedding a new skin suit -
Extensive expensive lotions
and pictures of women in swim suits -

I'd rather forgive and forget
than live in regret -
But why do we continue
with living every minute upset?
Why do I let you,
into my head? Knowing
it's like any other stranger in the night
Exchanging insecurities
and swallowing my pride.
Please. You can keep your bad breath.
Your dusty clothes and your
unfinished jewelry.
Leaving odd marks against objects
crushed by apathy.
No regret there.
Just a bunch of windows I close
as winter gets closer.

i'm gonna write a book someday
and i'll dedicate it to you
my delicate flower in bloom
i'm gonna write you a book some night
under moonlight
in spiderwebs while they bite
and **** blood, it's alright
i'll be fine as long as i'm
with you - as long as i'm with you
i'm going to write a book
how could i not with all these awful thoughts that cook
burnt in my brain, about to burst
grade school all i learned is we're all insane
in one way, or another, all tryna swallow pain
in one way or another, i'm gonna write a book
tell the whole world, just why you ****, satan

Serving birds
Got me walking on egg shells
If I don't skimp
Night class, I might last
I bike back - alone
To build this nest
To leave this place in the past
To see you smile
I'd wish away, the world -
Got a fortune
Zip locked in a locked locker
This is torture
Making love, I just watch her
Smile.

And let the sun cook you like a ham sandwich
Swallow the salty water of temptation
Gag on your fingertips
And cry endlessly for salvation like a feral cat in the night
Kiss the moon, and cut the sky
Roll your car over at eighty miles per hour
Laughing and crying but laughing

life at a screen
hyped by a dream
life at a screen
help - I might scream
if another second I'm sitting in this position

My heart goes out to the man
on the side of the road
My mind, goes out to the soul
who refused to open his hands
To a man, he'll never know
My stomach turns
Like dusty blade swells the smoke in the room -
I open doorways without knowing what's behind them

took the day seriously
i was at a glass desk
with a glass heart
s h a t t e r e d
piecing it back
together
with each letter
i was
learning from sewer traps
and breathing smoke with words
i was chaos like a tumbleweed

how many lips have you kissed since mine?
how many times of those did you think of me?
how many times did you wake up from dreams?
where we were together
and the air was still
our hands warm, and there's you -
getting everything you want,
and more.

there's something weird happening
i - don't trust
a n y o n e
and it's not my fault -
they did it.
They - the purple-hearted non-believers -
my enemy's front line, bottom line -
we tap the streams of our neighbors
we kiss death on the lips in ecstasy
we touch the other side of the universe and
hardly realize it -

Starry eyed chipmunks stuffing
adorable cheeks like eyes wide
Don't dig farther than you have to you
stupid animal
Kick to the ribs and electrons
weep in my frontal cortex hot why
I don't know why I do the things I do
Blankness -
I wake up. Stuff happens. Repeat.
Sometimes I talk. Why?
Sometimes I think. Why?
Daylight blends into ideas, erasing
and replacing - and by the time its Friday
It's become a blurry greyness -
and I'm not alone.
No, I think this mind has a mind of its own,
I think - this mind has a mind, yes -
of its own, I think - no -
I don't know much about particle physics
or gravity
I hardly know of Mathemathics or read,
as I should, at least -
at least, I can enjoy the drama
The drag the envy the drab
The colors the lights the shiny white
teeth of beauty!
Fess up, - slate cold barrel of Justice between his Bondish villainous eyes -
We know where you hid the diamond!
I just want to shut the **** off.
But I don't.
I watch. And I listen.
And I search. And I vision.
Another round?
No thanks. I swear it feeds the demons in your intestines, sweetheart.
I fear, selling this, had to be an art

What is a love unspoken?
Is it as alive as the love captured by cameras like lasso's on wild animals?
Never tasted a cage -
Or is it like the sky
You see constantly
But couldn't comprehend if you had half the facts.
Is it too much for those involved to express?
Or is it the others you're afraid of?
What is a love unspoken?

I'm strategic.
Watching the dominoes fall
before the air kisses the first
Listening to the cards slide
against the felt and pressing that
beautiful edge against my unquenchable fingertips -
Yeah, I figured I shrug smiling -
Looking -
Over my shoulder.
I'm paranoid.
Who's next to fall? I ask.
There's always a Brutus around us
And I can tell somethings surrounding
That whole thing you got there.
That stare. That lack off air
When you breathe, couldn't care less about my stress, so why should I believe
Anything you say.
I'm alone.
I don't care. As long as
I stay in control all is fair
to lose in war, my love removed before
I'm still moving more
And improving for - a future.
Don't worry about me.
I'm better than fine.

we used to bask in the warmth
we once drank from pure bodies of water
until the parasites came
and I stopped wanting to sleep at night

the universe is cold
and stale and doesn't care
what we have in our homes, our hands
wallets syringes and pipes no hearts
no lungs or thoughts give meaning to
an empty darkness that drifts
along allowing what ever is to be to be

where i'm from,
we put towels on windowsills to keep out
     the cold -
dad replied

where i'm from?
we kept towels on the windowsills to hold in
     the heat,
mom beamed -

where i'm from, it's
     hot
and it's
cold
and i just need
some
fresh air

Most days, I wake up
Sick to my stomach
Exhausted - Ready
For the weekend,
Most days I'm
Painting my tomorrows
I'm red with anticipation
I'm - lost at home with time I borrow

the stars and the static are the same
where pink clouds peel back like flesh
your frail fingers around my neck
there's a certain chaos in those eyes -
her dress up against my exposed waist
the stars and the static are the same
where blood rains for a thousand years
and the ashes of our ancestors blind our future -
I kissed her with the last breath I had

I like people -
I like birds
bees
I like things
that make
me happy
and gleeful -

Let's go for a drive
And just talk awhile
I know this area so well
But none of it makes me smile
I'm over the signs
And the restraunts too
I'm under the lights
And the darkness too

oh why can't I escape its glare
reflections of a time insincere
I know if I hide it beams back

i'm no saint
i never
followed all the rules
not often
i conveniently forgot to tell the truth -
but often, enough
i was living like i had nothing to lose -
it's unfair
when you're unaware
blind eye to the only voice around
i drive fast
because i have places
i'd rather be than here

Never put a muse on standby.
Easily unamused, she'll leave you a bystander.

I didn't always do the right thing
Too many times
I listened to the other side
Voices of golden opportunity
Behind closed doors, they provide
Oh my. Trade virtue for vice.
I didn't know words could hurt you like this.
I don't think you deserved to be exiled.
Like so many do. So very few
Come out of the avalanche stronger.

I wonder how many
Hours I've
Spent
Sitting
In desks, from school
To work to home
I wonder
How long until I
Stand again