swimming upstream
I
can't breath
lately I
can't remember
I
drown

So what if the early bird catches the worm?
I'm night owl at a crow bar -
dim lighting dusty drinks and dead sets
of eyes around the room -
Barely visible -
I twist my neck again for you -
I've been working on a nest egg
while walking egg shells
I've gazed at the moonlight
And I've waited for you.

Ooooh look at you
Big red shoes - and a attitude
- a deck of cards
52 laughs - and face of paint
dry cracking teeth
You always assume the answer is yes.

It isn't how often you call
It isn't how much you spent on holiday
It isn't that you remembered the date
It isn't that you did that favor
It's not what you say
It's not what you think
It's not that you care
And it's not that you bring
Potato salad on Saturday -

Lately - I'm up too late...
And they say
     early to bed early to rise
But almost every night
     I can't silence my mind -
Filled with
What if's, and why not's
And how did's, and who got's - ?
It's a rattle in the bones -
It's a cold draft above your bed -
It's the spider you never **** -
It's the music inside your head -
I'm not usually one to go places
Or start fights - I don't usually cook at home
And I'm afraid of sharp knives -
I don't call my friends as often I probably could -
And I don't tell myself I'm as awesome as I am as often as I should -
Cut down, last tree standing
No sound -
There's no sound in the darkness -

I leave dishes in the sink
For days and kiss girls
At bars and buy then
Drinks - I
Chase the burn
With ice and Tums
And if she shows
I'm likely to run, away -
I'm likely to run, away
Because for a while now -
I've been dreaming of another home

She's your friend
Your friend
He's got his hand
On her leg, he's -
got short hair
on his face, she's -
got a short skirt
on the way to his place -
I'm at home
With my hands
At last alone
With my hands.

I'm not to blame for
Something you lost -
I'm not to blame for
When we bump into each other
I
was just passing by
your new apartment
on foot barefoot
at midnight
alone.
This is my new thing now.
You could know something about that.
But you left -
What else would I be?
Obviously not 'keeping it together'
obviously distraught
I gotta be kidding you, you say.
Yeah.

Anagram isn't defined by what it looks like -
Anagram sees
what all others miss
Anagram,
how do you manage this?

You don't call
But I still visit
Always out of reach
Never out of mind so
I reach and
I reach
and I
r e a c h

I like New England
Nothing is comfortable here. And
I'm in a love that's
ever fading -
every day - palm tree purgatory -
worse, possibly
noise before like
and after even
every vibration of life around you -

I didn't hear you call so
I didn't bother to wake
I didn't hear you knocking
I haven't heard your voice either
I don't know how much longer I can take -
Who am I to prevail?
What am I going to do?
What will I teach the world -
With all of the knowledge about you?

i have two fists i
choose not to use i
have thumbs
finger tips
to
exist - i
have the power
to set flame to every object around me
i can drown entire cities courtesy of wrath
i can topple and
twist fellowships -
i
can
live forever
if I acknowledge it -
it
it's
all for the taking if you can reach it
my hands
so far away from me
i'm sorry

I'm sorry I said that
You didn't deserve that
They say every body is a broken bell -
That must explain the ringing in my ears
I can't tell you no -
I know, -  I should tell you no -
But no, I can't tell you no -
Oh - here I am again,
night owl at a crow bar -
another situation I was leveraged into -
but somehow so far, so so-so, so mediocre -
So far, away, you must be by now

on the roof of my mouth is a chimney
the soles of my feet are worn down
traded places too many times -
stars are static and i hit the sky with an open palm -
attached antennas tall and hideous circular steel
beams sharp and grandiose -
i don't
get out
much these days
i don't
talk to
them anymore
i saw a comet hit my neighbor's house

Don't stay too long
But don't keep your pants on -
Shoes tied too tight?
Let loose but
Don't get comfortable -
I think you believe in me -
I think I believe in me -
That'll show 'em -
That'll show 'em -
It's nice when you call and
ask how my day is going -
and it's nice when you want
to know where we are going -
I don't follow much of a map anymore -
but I still get where
I need to go.

I'm a nice guy (nice guy)
Wasn't always the case
I'm doing alright (alright)
But it
Wasn't always the case

I wasn't always so willing to speak about it
See, I was just as lost reading out the
Fist fights screaming shouting - matches passed it
almost me sapped of passion
no shocker I
zapped back into action
People confused might say it's
acting and passive
My alphabetical magic is massive -
Please!
I don't seek the blood of my enemies!
I'm so nice
I'm so nice
I'm too nice.

there's no punch clock steam engine whistle
where I work
where I work
no one has to yell
out of anger, or spill
liquid glass across my skin
where I work
I worked to get there
and I work
to run away
as fast as possible

i know you look at light
and think of what
we could have been but
honey
we are
in another life
i'm waist deep
in your honey jar

i turned over the keys
nothing
dead battery dogsled **** break
writing my name into you with acid
melting
i'll stick with you, she said
bread and butter, she said

i'm no saint
i never
followed all the rules
not often
i conveniently forgot to tell the truth -
but often, enough
i was living like i had nothing to lose -
it's unfair
when you're unaware
blind eye to the only voice around
i drive fast
because i have places
i'd rather be than here

my eyes
tingle, and my lips
curve
my music...
the music -
shadowy slates
a cold surface damp
pixelated vibrations
i tend to ask too many questions
i'm told
i tend to ask too many questions
i know

took the day seriously
i was at a glass desk
with a glass heart
s h a t t e r e d
piecing it back
together
with each letter
i was
learning from sewer traps
and breathing smoke with words
i was chaos like a tumbleweed

You can't shut me out forever.
I yammered
cooking dinner steam in my eyes
it already smells spoiled, but we feast.*

our love is like a potted plant
I brought home one night -
poisons coursing in my veins -
I plucked a pretty flower from the Earth
and raised it to the sky
I bought fertilizer and dirt
and forgot about the sun shine -
I let flowers turn yellow and wilt
I let spiders make homes in your hair -

she was like a stallion
galloping through the grocery store -
kicking people in the face
and breaking objects constantly -
she was like a lion in a hen house -
i was like a piece of candy
being held by a baby -
she was like a can of gasoline in a fireplace
i was the tiny mist of fume of gas from when u filled the
stupid canister because
we broke
down and you said
you'd walk, i was a witness
she was a tyrant - she was a gift
i was a loss, i was so lost

where i'm from,
we put towels on windowsills to keep out
     the cold -
dad replied

where i'm from?
we kept towels on the windowsills to hold in
     the heat,
mom beamed -

where i'm from, it's
     hot
and it's
cold
and i just need
some
fresh air

he's an Atheist
Paul said, with a jeer -
to Jane, rolling her big wet
and blue eyes -
Paul's an atheist
Jane's not - but, i
never asked Jane what it all meant
Jane, - i
didn't realize he'd be here
Jane, i didn't hear what he said
he's an idiot (a word she hates)
i like Jane
she too,
despises Paul.

you listen to their problems
their virtues their vice
there you are to listen, true
through blue skies turning grey into night
you, so shiny and white
you, who turned a blind eye to the life
chaotic and neutral -
mumbling men who still can't decide which side is right
tall mirrors of carnival colors
and daggers dance in the music -
dreams you never knew of any other
just painted faces of confusion,
visions violent will strike
when you least
expect, expect
allowing feelings to project
when you least expect it
you'll be projected, from that driver's seat

sleep
Like I used
To - Wake
Up like I
Used to -
i don't -
Need
It
Anymore.

I'm told, my smile is contagious
But I think I caught it from you
Maybe it was the way you'd hold my hand, with patience -
I knew, I was into something with you -
Maybe it was the Autumn breeze
with death on its teeth - chills of a dying star -
Maybe it was the darkness under trees -
bright stars, always out of reach -
Maybe, my mind has a mind of its own.
Just maybe, she'd like one night alone.
Maybe, just maybe, I should have hung up that phone.
But lately, baby, I wonder where you have gone
I wonder, where you have gone?

I do stuff
I pet dogs
Smile at babies
Make cash deposits
I work
I hear voices and I talk
to voices -
My voice, isn't me, it
isn't as deep, it's
As if the ideas - I think
are universal
Some cosmic case I cracked
has me a prisoner -
people say, it's a small world -
and I agree.

whenever i watch the news
i leave the room feeling weak and awful too
persuade me i'm unfaithful for eating a falafel
helicopters flash across my sky
more bloodshed to shock the soul
can't help but be asking why
obstacle after obstacle, is coming after me
even waking up is impossible, actually
i should say, i got to go, got to go
instead of sitting at the home, at home
see the world, you got lot's to grow, lot's to grow
but i'm firmly planted in outer space
everybody i used to know says i vanished without a trace
trying to be human without the race
trying to be honest without the consequence

You were bubbly and great
at giving
gifts - You knew
what I wanted
before I wanted
it -
You presented
love on a silver screen
and I played the antagonist
Promising stars
not bloodshed or widespread panic -
You had pigtails and a short skirt
You bought me flowers and a new shirt
You thought I was magic but in fact cursed
everyone around me, because the truth hurts
when it arises after a set of lies -
Oh, a set of eyes
bright
and wet
I miss.

six figures spinning
like roulette wheels
red and black and white
oh Lord, please let me
just get lucky tonight -

Love is war, they say
They, being those that say they love me.
War is peace, I read
in books about Hell spit-fire tarantulas crawling
up my cargo shorts black mandibles and clawing
my ****** organs - Love is war, she said with
an ambient glow from my cell phone on her face
A smile of hatred and shame
lust, and disgust in her throat all at one moment
One moment, I ask for -
There's no time for this - she said with a frog
in her diaphragm - I can taste the puke in her mouth from here -
I thought, all too familiar
This taste, this warmth, this light -
All on me - Love is war, I said

Ptshhpht. I been a feminist yo -
I said
Feminist.
Not feminine.
You gotta buy me dinner first.
Or at least a drink or five
Five! Five drinks
And I can do anything.
Actually. Anyone
can do anything.
As a
f e m i n i s t
I think we're all equal.
I think we're all as cancerous
and false, blue deviant as late breakfast
Equal.
I believe if one can't vote.
No one should. Why bother?
You're beyond what would otherwise be
(Free Speech)
But you can't relate
With daisies in your hair
And a cigarette hanging from you lips
Bursting with bacteria
and **** -
Survival of the fittest?
We're all going down, don't you get it?

A waterfall of coffee.
A night I make it to sleep
before midnight
A fresh battery on my phone
A packed lunch, leafy greens and carrots
ready to go -
The alarm clocks are quiet today
The neighbors are still asleep
The birds are chirping
And there's litter in the street -
All these houses look the same
Different colors, types of wood
Shapes of driveways, and mailboxes
The mailboxes!
Some are red, some are white
Some have flags, some reflect at night
I like it here, she said
It's a new beginning for us
Hand shoulder eyes lit
I love you, she said
I want this to work, she said.
I'm trying.

I draw conclusions like a toddler
does a home - crude
rudimentary - scratches
Like that of the inside of a coffin -
It's dark in here, you know
Opposites attract I suppose
Probably get charged with battery
by the time I'm drained -
I'm never letting go -
Self sustaining - I'm -
Selling paintings - I
Can't afford to brush off the truth -
There is war, everywhere.

i'm outdoorsy in a sense
where i like to
drink
on patios
watch the people smile
tan animated hands and sunglasses
football friendship
i like people
on television
on telephones

It's a dandy lion
Being lured
towards light

Oh, falling water hushing
(******* white guilt)
Oh hush amber sky full moon open
Seal your soul in a small envelope
*******. White Guilt.
*******. White Guilt.
Can't have one without the other -
Can't help but wonder, why I'm filled
(with) *******. White Guilt..
Can't say I don't say my namesake often
Can't say I don't face, everything you're watching -
*******.
White Guilt.
(can't) Say what you think about the past?
Like there's this problem -
You think about all the times you've used others simply as an object
I certainly if I say so, you will object
If I tried -
Can't begin justify how I'm direct
Can't begin to live a life that you'd expect
Let alone unweace the web of lies I project
I mean what'd you expect?
What? Not want more.
I want more.
I got more.
But more money, more magic
More magic, more costs
More reasons at night
To hide behind a cross
Asking why I come across
as the wisest guy, to those just blind
and othets be completely fine
while I recreate the Holocaust -
Gaslight the atmosphere -
Kiss the sun with the backs of your hands
Finger nails jagged and sharp
Covered in saliva and light
I'm just looking for more.
*******.
White Guilt.
*******.
White Guilt.
When you tell me it can't be done
I'll deny -
When you tell me I was the one
I'll lie -
Simply under the skin -
Golden flakes from silver spoon
Where the milk never spilt
And the grapefruits kept coming.

I knew it was over by how uninspired you were on your knees.
I knew our worlds were to crumble underneath our feet.
I knew there was a familiar hatred
Like on holidays when that one person
Does that thing
They always do
I think that's me sometimes when I walk out of rooms.
The shadows chatter about the light, I tell myself.
But after deeper analysis
I feel like a shadow
A mere cast of lack of reflection of an object I have no control over.
And I just dance in this wet candlelight.
Hoping, I come back to life.

Starry eyed chipmunks stuffing
adorable cheeks like eyes wide
Don't dig farther than you have to you
stupid animal
Kick to the ribs and electrons
weep in my frontal cortex hot why
I don't know why I do the things I do
Blankness -
I wake up. Stuff happens. Repeat.
Sometimes I talk. Why?
Sometimes I think. Why?
Daylight blends into ideas, erasing
and replacing - and by the time its Friday
It's become a blurry greyness -
and I'm not alone.
No, I think this mind has a mind of its own,
I think - this mind has a mind, yes -
of its own, I think - no -
I don't know much about particle physics
or gravity
I hardly know of Mathemathics or read,
as I should, at least -
at least, I can enjoy the drama
The drag the envy the drab
The colors the lights the shiny white
teeth of beauty!
Fess up, - slate cold barrel of Justice between his Bondish villainous eyes -
We know where you hid the diamond!
I just want to shut the **** off.
But I don't.
I watch. And I listen.
And I search. And I vision.
Another round?
No thanks. I swear it feeds the demons in your intestines, sweetheart.
I fear, selling this, had to be an art

My grandfather was a drinker -
I think.
I mean. You gotta be
To be like 73
and fall asleep
Drunk
At a wedding
In the grass
At 10pm.
My grandmother had depression.
Manic depression.
There's a difference, you know
Look it up, what do I look like?
Google?
People forget about Google,
and I think Google prefers it that way.
Me too Google, me too.

If I can get away with it
It's safe to say I tried
Handjobs over
Handbags
Hand over fist, the first fight
I fought, I thought
I'm in the right, no wrongs
Swinging fists
At God -
I lost. Two black eyes and a dented
aluminum can. A concussion
A broken heart
And the Humiliation out of televisions.
Hallelujah hallucinations -
The kids only did what they saw.
Hallelujah hallucinations -
The parents let them live through their thoughts.
Hallelujah hallucinations -
I'm not saying I didn't deserve it
Past Present Future
Fractals of opposing decisions void
of logic, fingertips wet anticipation
over a keyboard. Throat foaming
purple capsules and
a full tank of yellow gasoline a bottle
of Xenka warm under summer seats
(warped plastic adds flavor)
Like a dog panting, I broke the forth wall
simply for the sake of freedom.

I don't recommend it
There are more valuable
Sections
To consume
First.

I don't really care.
Like if I did,
things wouldn't be like this
Like, if I cared
We'd talk more than once a month
If I cared
I'd see you outside of the holidays
If I cared
I'd have so many
more memories
of us. But I don't care.
I wake up.
I
Fall asleep
I order dinner
and I eat.

Building this nest egg
I'm walking on egg shells
Serving birds in
Parked cars in
Suffocation
Gasping for air
About to take flight
The moonlight my
Only friend
The moonlight I
study the Earth and the sky
This cool night of plaid
cotton candy sticky holding hands
sore teeth and puffy lips, bruised
by brain shaking accidents
of twisted metal and leaking gasoline -
We call it fate. After all.
You made it. Cracking
your back wooden like a rolled out ladder
from a balcony drenched in rolling smoke -
Family, one at a time.
Thoughts, one at a time. But -
I still don't know if I made it out -
I laugh as I cough but still, cough.

Another late night
More birds chirping
More feeling worthless
Worth well, six shots of Bacardi
A beer here, a drag there
What a drag here, slowing down
To my last fear - speak publically rambling
Incoherent politics iced coffee straw wrapper cigarette lunch for pigeons and people who look like birds

I didn't always do the right thing
Too many times
I listened to the other side
Voices of golden opportunity
Behind closed doors, they provide
Oh my. Trade virtue for vice.
I didn't know words could hurt you like this.
I don't think you deserved to be exiled.
Like so many do. So very few
Come out of the avalanche stronger.