2 years ago I wished for death
I breathed in pills like they were oxygen
Between the scars and my wrist and the tension in my bones
Nights were infinitely longer than days

6 months ago I fantasized her sweet kiss
Every thought dedicated to the romance
Every decision dedicated to numbness
3 am daydreams of helium tanks and ******

A month ago I drank myself out of consciousness
Until I was no longer forced awake
By the pulling between my temples
As if a void was in the center of my mind

This week my pillow beckoned to me as a long lost lover
Tonight we caressed each other
Tll I drifted into a blissful slumber
But plagued by mares of the the nights to come

Let me start by saying how sorry I am. I didn't want this to be an apology letter, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that that is what you deserve, and I never gave it to you. I built you up, just to eventually tear you down again because of my own selfish insecurities. And after everything was said and done, you still loved me. You accepted me for who I was, with every single fault. I never realized how significant you were to me until you left. I just couldn't comprehend that even when we were over, you were still what kept me sane. I would **** to spend a lazy day doing absolutely nothing with you just one more time. You have no idea how much I've gone downhill since you left. I know you always thought of me as the strong one, but lately I have been a complete mess. I can't talk to anyone though, because no one really knows me like you do. You doubted I would miss you at all, but I find myself thinking about you more and more everyday. The other day I looked through our old conversations. It broke my heart. I want to talk to you. I want to hold you. I need you. I just really wish you were here.
All of that being said, I am so proud of you for what you're doing. You're finally addressing your problems and taking control of your life. You've inspired me. I am going to pursue help for my problems with sociopathic tendencies and depression. I hear you're very happy and have found where you want to be. I also hear you're not coming back, and I assume we will never see each other again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I made a huge mistake. I thought I was falling out of love with you. And I got scared that it would lead to me doing something stupid. But I never fell out of love with you, and I still haven't. I love you. I know that even if I see you again that you will have changed, and be a completely different person. I'm not religious, but I pray to god that you still love me too. It's terrifying to think that I'll never see you again, but infinitely worse to think that I will and that you no longer have feelings for me. I really wish I had come to these realizations before you left. I never even got to give you a real goodbye. So that's what this is I guess. I doubt you will ever see this, but I can hope that one day you will accidentally stumble upon it. I know you'll know it's about you. So goodbye, good luck, and by chance I hope our paths will cross in the future.

My head is sore
From dreaming with my eyes open
And floating without leaving the ground

My nose is numb
Often it snows, blue and white
Trying to erase mistakes burned inside my mind,
but it melts too quickly

My throat is singed
From stress-causing stress relievers
And paranoia-producing mental sedatives 

My stomach aches
From trying to find myself
But becoming more lost than I have ever been in the process

Reality escapes have become reality
And life has become the terrifying emptiness
occurring when I am too broke to fake-forget my feelings

My life is a cycle of the same mistakes
with the consequences violently increasing all of the time
But my world could fall apart around me, and I wouldn't blink

Foolishly, I try to tell myself how I've learned from my mistakes
But only on nights like these
4 AM. Alone.
Will I let my mind wander towards my reality

It's nights like these when I can feel true terror
I hate my past, but fear my future
Not because I know where I am headed
But because I have no motivation to change

I have yet to even consider what I might choose as a career
I have absolutely no passions
I don't see myself living beyond 30
But my real fear lies in the fact that I don't care

But in about 8 hours I will wake up, and push it out of my mind
And you and I might sit, making dumb jokes about irrelevant mistakes
And I will tell myself it's fine, I'm fine
And so the cycle continues

I wish I hadn't been here before
I wish I didn't know what you'd say if I told you the truth
I wish there was a chance
But I know all too well

So I keep pretending

Emotionless, flowing through a crowd of faceless souls
A net of interactions that I am no longer a part of
Each second I feel less and less, until I'm an empty vessel
On the edge, brain going toe to toe with the devil

Rotting amygdala in the cranium, insanity
Not a single shred of dignity or humanity
Running off no sleep, tobacco and black coffee
No spirit left, except the pack in my back pocket

I want nothing, but need everything
all decisions past made to lead to serenity
Going with the flow has left me alone with no one
Why am I still here, where the hell am I going

Long nights, long days, pretending I'm something I'm not
Self deprecation and loathing patterns, indigenous thoughts
Result is cold and heartless, riskless life to avoid the loss
No solution horizon, mentally falling apart

Fed up, hallucinations gone and messed my head up
Yesterday is forgotten but tomorrow already dreaded
Depression has blossomed, guilt trips and sunken ships
Internal warfare, life is chaos amongst the midst

Metal head, tapping the barrel against my brain
Enough dark thoughts to drive men insane
Done with the feign, done with the all stress for the gain
Done with the drugs, the sensation of bliss was in vain

Death pumps through the veins, just beginning to realize it
People say I changed, I chose to deny it
Dissociated, putting up mental walls like they’re armor
Now I find myself making the same mistakes as my father

Never shaken or bothered. Never connected at all
No real relations, even my ******* self I appall
No motivation to stay, no motivation to leave
No motivation for anything, least of all me

No goals, No fears, No laughs, No tears
The face I wear’s a facade, just to blend with my peers
Honestly, I couldn’t care if it all ended tonight
Or if it didn’t, just don’t give a **** bout a life

So I sit here, contemplating thoughts of the bitter
Lit cigarette in the left, the other hand holds the trigger
Mind of a drifter, but I’ve given up on the plight
Sigh. Squeeze. Bang. I’m gone, goodnight.

It's 2 AM, yet I am awake
body dormant, but brain running wild
What I think of now won't matter tomorrow
a jumbled mess of insanity compiled

My mind keeps running, faster, faster
I can't even follow my own train of thought
Every second is like a new chapter
A new one begins as the last is forgot

Deeper thoughts are protruding surface
Predators of the night, they refuse to be silenced
Regrets and hardships thrown into a furnace
Crafting a weapon, a mind of defiance

I finally believe I may drift off to sleep
Yet floodgates have broken, a wave of mistakes
I let out a sigh, a breath of defeat
It's 2 AM, yet I am awake