not movies
not writing
not comedies
and-god forbid-in public.


but with you
i understand the appeal.

i have discovered who i am
i am not the product of my
          parents beliefs
                trauma
                    tribulations
i am my own person
with my own
           life
             beliefs
                 aspirations
my heart is
        lighter
            fuller
                free
i haven't written poetry because i've had no need for it.
it was an outlet for
               sadness
                    pain
                       desperation
and although i still feel all of that,
i have found
        people
             friends
                  lovers
who help me handle it.
i am happier than i've ever been
and so eternally
          grateful
               proud
                   overjoyed
that i lived. even when it was
             painful
                  useless
                       impossible
i fought to live. i fought to love.
              and
                  i
                  did

i became very
quiet, and almost sad. i wrote a lot
in my mind, but never on paper, and thought a lot
about not much at all, now that i think about it.

to think is to understand. or a stepping stone to it.

i remembered recently that i need to write.
i needs words like i need air, i need to
understand what it is i'm feeling because if i don't,
i don't think i'm feeling anything at all.

to feel is to understand. or a stepping stone to it.

i've written four poems about how i don't understand.
three sonnets about feelings i'm trying to understand.
two haikus of wondering what i understand.
one sentence of understanding that i'll never understand.

i'm older now. i've grown. i've thought and felt,
but i haven't written.

to write is to understand- the stepping stone to it.