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i have the tendency to say more than what will make sense.

i tend to lose more than what i wish to gain at my own expense.

i know as a person i can be terribly dense.

i know that i love someone who probably is afraid to face what i fearlessly face.

big mama told me
its undoubtedly obsession

i told big mama
mama its passion

big mama told me
im trying to pull you out of a hole

i told big mama
i want to keep digging

i know ill find gold

i was told that if can
            search hard enough
                       love hard enough
                            believe hard enough
                                 fight hard enough.....
and if i endure long enough i would receive what I've always wanted.
but i want is acceptance.

i want the world to recognize that
the woman i swap spit with
and trade secrets with
and touch privates with
and trade tears with
and write letters to
and whisper in her ear "you are incredible"
and keep her in my embrace until i seem desperate
and i look like can never release you
because i need you
if if i can only see you for a little bit...

she could be the woman i will live with
the woman i joke with
who gives me feelings that i choke with
the lady i am in love with...
                          could be slipping out of my finger tips...
and all of these things that i so carefully thought of and said....
                                        
               ­                        could all be *******...

   i have the tendency to say more than what will make sense....
  


and that concludes my 4:00 pm appointment
I kiss a cigarettes *** more than my boss's

But hey, its a habit for me.

Let me take a breather,
Release a bit of stress,
                           ....later
                          .....only later I regret.
"**** I have to quit" I whisper to cigarette,
As I inhale what's left of it.

I take a match
Light a match
   Scratch a itch
    Smoke it fast
      In and hale
        Ex and hale
          Anxious
Yes
I'm going to hell.
I sin inside a body of nice.
There's more worth in a box of mice,
MORE THAN ME frankly, because I can't have the bravery to stop myself from killing myself indefinitely.

Hell...nicotine addiction is practically slitting the wrists  of your lungs.
The sweet splendor that is the saliva that trickles on your lips.

The undulating waves of your bosoms shake with every whip,
Of my hands to your bottom.
Applause for the naughtiness that soon has gotten,
My love so rotten to the core because of me.
Vexed due to *** of quite the variety.
Shake the squeaky bed and step on creaking floors.
Lifting her to ceiling.
Scratch marks on cheap floor.
Must lock door,
Must wrestle to bed.
Leave the this beast alone,
Give in to selfish request.
The likes of ***** love is not like what it seems on tv where apparently love is shaped cylindrical whilst my millions of my children race both aimlessly and innocently only to be flushed down through a porcelain waste disposal drain.
What if one my daughters and sons have the potential to be the next leader of our race.
Their race to *****, blocked by latex.
My guilt, my awkwardness,
Lead to guilty ***.
How not she cares of pain in her abdomen.
Give it to me daddy, she whispers down my neck.
However gradually I forget, moments of quiet where rain trickled in our eyes as I whispered words that should be said when someone is about to die.
I wish I could spit out those words as if lie.
I try.
But words of three I mean seriously.
But words I've spoke a time of many.
But words of meaning...

You tell me.
the kisses she blesses me with are like kissing marshmellows
she was nineteen.
I was five years younger.
she had a strange craving,
of lust and blunder.
I would skip class,
to kiss *** so she may service,
a nervous ******.

In this spacious place of a stair case,
her moans of satisfaction echoed through the steps,
and filled the cracks in the wall.
windows were practically the walls.
she famously said,
"lets give 'em a show"
how did I know she was such a creep?
a golden haired beauty that smelled like the perfume department at Macy's.
her lips stained with lipstick.
lips.
I would kiss.
bite.
lick.
Interruption.
her automotive me, slowed to an abrupt stop,
only to be silenced by an uninvited guest,
abruptly opening the door downstairs,
and luckily kept,
the rhythm in his step as downward he trekked.

"lay on the floor" she told me.
"yes master" I say.

that was the day that I will always remember.
that was the day I met abby.
When I was fourteen,
I didn't know how to treat a girl.
                                                         ...let alone pleasure one.
This worried me.
I needed to practice.
until I found she.

oh, she smelled of Clorox and had the fashion sense of a child.
she had a gap in her teeth the size of mountains creek,
her body had the texture of a water bed...
however....
                   ...so did her *******.
but nobody was going to know or notice,
the filthy swine would ****** a bovine queen with huge *******.

thus began an unforgettable experience of ******* and false intimacy.
the experiments,
the tests,
of making love,
or forging ***.
making memories, forged with regrets.

she put up with my exploration and experimentation for nearly a year.
or two....
                 ...three...
however discrete.
I was embarrassed of walking down the street with my hands clasped with hers.
But, never felt bad when it was under her shirt, or skirt, *****...
I was (and am) a pervert.

I remember I told she sweet things, just to get the,
two *******,
two thighs,
a cannoli for she,
and finger food for me.

I took she behind buildings,
in parks,
in woods,
in dark,
behind a bank,
in alley,
but almost rarely...
                                  ...in my house.
hmm...

when I was fourteen...
"how does it feel to be an adult?" someone asked me.
I said, "it feels like I didn't sleep for days"
           ..I mean..
              ...child is what I wish to be...
                                                           ­       ...what I wish stay.
how I miss the way I misbehaved like wild animal.
how I was really ignorant and irrational.
Most of all,
I was optimistic and positive,
carefree on how life was to be lived,

clueless about what aids did,
happy with a Chico-stick,
instead of being worried about where I was putting it.

someone asked me, "how do you know you are a man?"
I said, "well ma'am, excuse me while i look in my pants, ill show you an example"
I will become one, when I want to Raise one.
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