the year unravels beside me like a new born child
opening its eyes and only seeing in black & white
It is still adjusting to what will manifest, the things it will see
in such a short amount of time before its death
I wish the years where made to be longer
I think it is simply unfair
and what is my connection with this strange thing
a band that has a restricted time suffocated between its two ends
where do I come into this ebb of time
every second is precious I believe
disappearing in the air like smoke
as if it never happened, as if it was never there
my *** has not been touched in almost more months
than I can count on my two hands
and does that mean anything to anyone,
I have become eagerly selfish with my body
and then you come along and make me question my greed
but I stand firm and strong, like a column of dark gray stone
ascending from the bottom of the ocean and kissing the moon
and does that mean anything to anyone

I generate scenarios in my head of all the possible happiness,
of all the possible people, all the possible anguish that is far
beyond my comprehension and  maybe more than I desire to comprehend
I have recently came to an understanding of endless pain
I dont believe I quite understood it before
but after watching that man out of hate **** 2 men of a different color
a hate generated due to his fathers ******
then released from prison a clean slate
only to have his brother killed by one of the victims younger brothers
my head twisted and I felt his pain when I saw him hold his ****** brother
and my heart felt as if it was being suffocated between his very tears
I felt my heart disappear with his heart
I felt the deepest thing inside of my chest beyond my body
something that goes far beyond that
I felt that  thing weeping
and to think that there are agonies that surpass that
makes me question all my beliefs
makes me question myself
and quite honestly makes me question the things that I have cried for
and the things that I was unhappy for

me, a simple woman staring out into the sky
and I am but an atom
or something so much smaller than that when standing on the edge
of a black hole in our universe, falling into something that our human
minds cannot comprehend
and then where do I go
born into this world from my mother and father
my mother who came from the love of two orphans
and my father who came from the unfortunate meeting of a innocent
woman gone mad and a mad man
and my parents who came from two separate worlds
what has bred through my generations to lead to this
what happened in the seconds of my ancestors
the women who would in their free time sit alone
what is it that they thought of
did I ever cross their minds
did this madness ever cross their minds
are they flowing through me

I lay on my bedroom floor
a bedroom that I simply cannot stand but have somehow grown fond of
one that probably wont be mine in another year and someone else's
will my energy rub into them, did the previous owners energy run
through me, this previous child

its quite amazing how every human is a absolute work of art
generated by two people who at some point in time mixed the paint
of their bodies together and came out with a piece
call it cheap art, bad art, disastrous, ******
every human is still a work of art
filled with thought and emotion
peoples eyes lately have come to **** me
I cannot handle it, the thought of this alone
is so overwhelming

and here I am writing of it
like the slave I am to my own mind
like the slave that I am to my own thoughts
I am a faithful miner digging through the pits of life
eager to find something worth drilling for
eager to find something worth crying and laughing for
eager to find fuel to add to my fire of a raging heart

I have come across a mind recently
that is bent in all sort of shapes and directions
I can hear the bizarre in that voice
and I have been rather amused, for a longer stretch of time than I usually let myself be consumed within another human
I have forgotten what those waters have felt like
coming to me, yet staying far away
there is so much room for me to breathe
and yet so much room for me to be close

I have found new sanctuaries within myself
where the elimination of boundaries have been discovered
where nature breathes like a blushing ghost
where the flowers are dead yet sing the tales of liveliness
and bewilderment and they are just as beautiful as the new born
flowers, but they have the death and wrinkles of wisdom
the rivers butcher into the oceans
and within their butchering they make love in the most
calmly fashion  
lovers roam these lands touching and kissing each others hands
there are no promises of love made, only ceasing of the moments
and a lingering future of mystery and hope
that is all

and many times I retreat in my thoughts and wish that I lived within
this state of mind when I met you or you or perhaps you

I have been known to suffocate love
I have been known to walk away full
to empty myself and dehydrate my body of life's genuine water
I have been known to drown that emotion
I have been called the reaper of these beautiful things
but I have done quite more than forgive myself and accept these things
and I have done quite more than just make myself believe that I can

restraint bled through me since I was young
because emotions where made to be wrong
these things erupted in me the wrong way


but I am here now in this state of mind
and have come to the realization that this is where I belong
the risks I shall take
I am not preaching only endless beautiful things
no, I am preach things of a true life
and taking it in for simply everything that it is worth
I don't believe in solid dedication
I hunger for space still
but now I hunger for other things as well
and the mix of the two
has made new souls within me

I dig my hand into my chest
to find that thing that is suppose to exsist
and when I bring my palm back out
my hand is consumed in ash
the reminants of those things that exsisted
filter in the creases that depict the past in my small palms
those memories when I would look into your eyes and smile
with the lips of a child
I hold you in my eager mind like an antqiue too precious to speak of
our lives have bid us to walk in a direction opposite of what we had hoped so long to accomplish

and now I see you, sitting beside me and I wish
nothing but to graze my hand upon yours
like the wind flourishes the oceans heart to beat
in a more rapid pace, like the winds bid the waterfalls
to leap into a uncharted terroritory
this is how I wish to brush myself upon you
I want to kindly give you the most feminine part of me
so that it may touch and love the most feminine part of you

I wish to scourn you like the sun scorns the leaves
in autumn, I would hope to make your colors change
to make you fall stagnant on the ground, like a silent whisper
I would like; if it was in my power to place a winter
upon your womanly chest, to freeze you
to make you shiver
to isolate that bitter, bitter potion within your distraught eyes
only so that I may bring the spring of my love
upon your soul
only so that we
you and I
live in our own universe where things that are forbidden do not exist
such as this burdened control
so that I may kiss whatever it is that is left
of you, whatever was not burnt and killed
by your fathers eyes
when he left you
and generated those monstrous cries

I, me
somewhere inside of my endless space
miss your defined jawline and that magnificent face
I miss that one morning I woke up beside you
after the first night our virginity in this type of love manifested
I cringe at the sight of your almond shaped eyes on that day
when the sun peeked through your white blinds and blue walls
and casted that eminence upon you in that natural way
when your tan and native american like skin brushed upon mine
and I closed my eyes and held you as if it was the last time
our hair was long and black and encircled our faces
like dead flowers in a field, I knew who you were and I knew nothing of you
I knew who I was, and I knew nothing of me
but regardless
we were one

If could rip my eyes out in exchange for words soft enough
to explain our touches, to explain the tenderness that ran
from your woman and into mine
I would
If I could shed my skin in exchange for words that cry a thunder and volcanic eruption powerful enough to convey the needles that dug into me like hope against fragility,
with no
no mercy
I would

that was almost 4 years ago, before I knew what I know now
that morning is many days and many nights behind me
and still till now, the noise made between our two separate bodies
hums its rhythms like a permanent tune, scarred lucid and repetitive
upon my ear drums
still you melt in me  like the snow melts upon the highest mountain
in the sun, when summer approaches in june
the time you and I first met