For the first time in years, I lay my head upon my own shoulder
and I weeped, with no trigger, with no particular reason
it was not a heavy pour, a light one, almost dead
I closed my eyes and I was completely submersed in a web
of silver wrapping itself around me
and thought that was my own loneliness
I have never felt this alone
I have never felt this one

the thought of this alone gives me fear
to lay there completely at mercy to my own self
to have finally accepted my own truth
one that I have long manipulated a lie
I myself have been a lie

I have chosen to live my life in this manner
constantly restricting myself from love
executing it, and making it small
draining it, causing a famine in energies
suffocating it, and bleeding it merciless
walking away from it with my heart
bleeding barely beating because I have taken it back from
you and you and you
I stay up late at night and think how will I regain that thing
that was once mine, and in a instant I slip through a crack
in my mind, and it is there again my flesh in my hands

I can see myself already in it
and Im crying and screaming at the top of my lungs
and you hold onto me and beg me not to go
and I with blood running down my cheeks struggle to get away
struggle to escape just as much as I want to stay
and I brake things and hurl my body to the ground
I create a hunger that shrieks so loud
and I drown myself in the sound
the queen of desolate is what I should be crowned
you stand there behind me, lingering in the background
yet again you have watched how I make myself drown


I impose my own judgement and wonder if its an incorrect soul
or if I make it a rule upon myself to believe that this is so
my hands are open
my chest is open
my legs are open
my heart
my heart
is open

I hold life like a curtain in front of me
and I take a knife that I made with the barbaric woman within myself
and I cut straight down the middle, with a wordless expression
I want to know what is behind it
I want to touch those things that will make my fingertips burn
I want to come close to things that will make my hair rise
I want to rid of this state of mind
and learn how to become more wise

adorned in my own childhood memories, the rot and laughter
I lay there moist and in no obedience when it came to distraught thoughts
I wanted to feel something that burned the way I did
so I lay naked upon this lava
and without dying I feel its fiery mind
I enjoy its inextinguishable kind

I wanted to die slowly the way beautiful natural things died slowly
so I went to the garden and
picked the most intriguing flowers my eyes could find
I cut their stems
then I cut open my wrists and my spine
I lay on the earth and watched the time
I lay there and peacefully  cried
how seconds turned into hours, and I lay there slowly
with those flowers and together we died
my smell fell into the universe
my coffin slowly decayed
laying there completely lifeless under the suns shade
and when I awoke from that death
I was no longer afraid

yet there are things that I still cant reach
yet there are times I still dont know how to speak
I remember how you left a streak of light behind the smallest of movements and I fall weak


so I go into the ocean and I hold my breath
I want to be here forever,
even if that means
death

you are like a old Gothic cathedral
standing heavy, uninviting yet undeniably luring
your heights are ascended and when I walk into you
I feel overwhelmed, by your detailed corners
your windows that bring light into your
gently smiling darkness
your ashy art mystifies me in a ****** tangent
your ghost stories and dead spirits
the love you have emitted
the love you have forbidden
the souls you have forgiven
the necks you have bitten

your different masks and your musical *****
where all the affairs and making of bodies one have taken place

I wish to breathe it all

I will sit on your empty benches
till you find a way to grace next to me
and place your hand upon my chest
so that I may feel my heart burst beneath your human flesh
you see
I must have this

I must live with you in a place that I know exists
a place that has been in the making for years in my head
I refuse this time, I refuse these people
I refuse to even speak of what society has made itself
the new words, simply will pollute and degrade my poem
of something that is so much higher than where we live now

place your hand calmly in mine
as I watch the entity which lives in your face
give me a sense of re-birth every time I bestow my eyes upon it
you are a riddle, a magnificent opera
you are what makes blood
blood
your are the atoms that make up love
your are the anatomy of every beautiful word
you are the feathers of every raven bird
you are the bed that I rest upon
you are the whiteness in a swan

you are the tragedy in all of the plays
you are the sun and moon of my
days

tell me what is more natural
then words pulsating like veins on the paper
then parchment quivering in my very hands
a emotion once breeding in the chest of a human
something moving hungrily under inflicted skin
something making its way like cement from the pit
of a stomach, rushing through blood
a raging emotion fleeting the body
and out into the physical world

tell me what is more natural
then an essence so calm
the only thing more beautiful than love
is the words of love, its description
the endless manuscripts written by
hands and hearts who where at some point in time
experiencing a divine emotion
a description in default of the macabre
and how tears are made and fall from eyes
a horror ringing in the homes of so many books
as to how a human can die mentally
a proof that this is more than real
that a mental rot is existent

tell me what is more natural
than the thunder that protrudes from hearts
galloping like a non tamable beast gathering flesh
racing like light into the universe
words describing the sun
and how she burns
and how she dies

the moon sits in the midnight sky
like a beautiful mistress happy that she is once
again alone and enveloped in the darkness that she
mourns and sings with, when the light has departed

the trees sit like stakes of wisdom
soundlessly crying for the humanity that it witnesses
they see what no one sees, they hear what no one hears

the ocean a translucent mystery, consuming
killing men, and calming men
she too whispers secrets through her energy

and tell me what is more natural than to write of these things
then to make poems and literature of them

and if in essence you cannot find beauty in literature
I encourage it best that you question your faith in humanity
I encourage you to see if your blood mentally runs thick
that your heart speaks and understands its wonders that
flusters and ***** mankind's mind
every woman and man is a poet or painter
every human has it in them to make art that speaks life's real truth
for miles and acres

My heart beat so hard when I was next to you
that I feared you might hear my barbaric secret in its drum
my pupils expanded so wide, at the sight of your hands
that I could have swallowed the ocean with my eyes
and then shed that salty water when you depart
my heart surrendered and my soul left to the skies

locked in your demented skin and your innocent smile
I would like to kiss the back of your neck and breathe you in
for awhile
your moon stricken and I drink you in the morning
I place you like salt on my tongue
I take your skin and cover myself in it
we make each other wet with scorn
your paint is on my walls and now it is not myself
it is you that I morn
it is my white face that is torn
now
now
the fragile death has been born