tonight might make my heart beat so fast
Im a radical yes, and I might let go a little atlast
the circus down the street wakes me up every morning
the drops of dew fall off my shoulders from those precious white lilies
that you left on my front door with a note that whispered softly to me
you make me blush
I kiss my own hand and prepare it to write my soul on parchment
In a language thats almost invisable to eyes that reveal themeselves to quik for interest
sometimes my fingers are too strong and the paper is too thin
but the walls of the trees and the sand never fails
and the leaves on the ground are always smiling at me when I walk there to write about this
I feel the butterflies in every corner, everytime I look up with a daffodil pressed against my lips
I say no your beauty makes me blush

the trees fall down
and they have came and left so quickly
this nature of life
should I say goodbye so easily
when I feel like the hello has barely embraced my quivering lips
that quivered in your days
some powerless
some overwhelming with a feeling of conquer

should I forget you and move on
as time dosent wait for you or me
than why should I

is it done, and this new white page
it just sits in front of me
this blank book, of what is yet to come
within more bewildered days
of love, meeting, rememberence, conversation, wine and hope

I left my country
I left everyone in it
I casted myself away from destructive situations
one that lead back to that one boy
no not him
it was another one
that I casted myself from
the other was a simple breeze that I let rub my cheeks
and didnt think twice about its angry departure
I simply let the madness caress me
and then when it threatened me I left fruitfully
laughter lingering behind my back

I lived on different land
sang on different land
I delved into abstract minds and conversation on different land
I held hands on different land
I kissed on different land
and evidently I weeped and suffered on different land

I sat down watching them yell and scream in happiness
its a new chapter in the life of the universe, and me
I was on sand floating on less familiar waters
in my beautiful country

I went further into loneliness than most would dare
sat there in the mountains weekend after weekend
keeping myself company
it was then and there I realized more of me
got a better feel of what I was really like

I came back to find what I left
but this time things seemed prettier
the water tasted sweeter
life seemed heavier
and my soul it felt lighter
while I sunk in deeper
to you and you and you
and you who stuck out
you who patience struck like a vertical war blade
in parts of me I didnt know had life

patience, it fell on a rock that was harder than I thought
in the pit of my stomach
like hands gripping me tightly
I gripped onto you tightly
I held you there for as long as I could
till meaning came to my story
and I was able to decipher
that this wasnt like those novels I read when
I was a little girl
although I felt like I child
when your air would mingle with me
and your laugh would
make
my
hands
shake

--
little to none was the worst
in where drunken nights lead to drunken mornings
which lead to drunken fights
on drunken hearts
they beat differently

and now
now I think differently
and its a new year

should the nature bend
when Im bent
under the expression of the days
when I knew love as a child
knew love like child

hidden beneath your hands of purity
hands that purified me
then emptied me of being a woman
and then filled me with knowledge
of love
and all those other things that come along with it

I remember years later
years
years
years
it dosent fit well into my comprehension
that the years have passed us by
and your kiss rings at my door bell
as if I knew who it was before I reached the door ****

and everything in you kills
it kills me
torture defying the law of gravity
in ways that heartless people shall know
what it is to have a heart

what it is to feel
to feel
as if you are being eaten alive by something
so much bigger than you
and your are condemed
and I am condemed

by something that is
so much
bigger than me'

and I let it swallow me
swallow me whole
into something that makes me feel split in half
in half beautifully

and I am condemed
and you are condemed
by something that is so much more

---

beautiful than me

do you corrupt me
when I walk into the black kitchen
where lovers make other lovers meet
where here we keep the peace
in your house of love and joy
and sweet matromony

do I corrupt you
when I back away in needless nothingness
sayings in where i dont speak
hold my tongue and you would run from the
lions who want your blood on their tongue
branch off into streams and rivers
understand that I am not what you want

that I am not what you want

the woman that I really am lays in my hands
and my palms are closing around her
I want to suffocate this thing moving
why do you drape me in the flags of your country
filled with its millions
yet I am so alone within you
countless and needless
pin drops on the wooden floor
where I held onto to you last night
you me
myself
I held onto myself and spoke with charm
because my concience wasnt even there
just my arms

my nose traced the cracks on the floor under me
drops of salty water pressed against my lips
then my tongue
then into me
and recycled for hours

dust leaves its traces on what was something that
was suppose to be a bond without intimacy
but a bond of human love
green birds come to my window and leave black notes
and sing black notes
and spread black notes to other windows

but oh little green bird I fed you when you were hungry
I opened my door for you, to come and seek refuge
I let my words help you
you failed me
oh how you failed me
and you left quite miserably

no gesutre did I give to have you turn your back on me

should I say it
should I ask it
to forgive me for being me
for moving the way I do
for even looking in your direction or speaking to you

love quivered hands
freindships bonded
souls with few simple silent moments
other silences came

torture me so that my fingertips never want to see light
and my day consistently turned into a barren night
no fight exceeded something as such
from a stone a cobble a crystal that I held on to so much
dont let it be that it is any other being you trust

for humans when eyes wet in lucious envy what freindships do is rust

I brokedown forth right into this eloquent state
smiles rub my warmth
and I melt harder
and harder
into breathing easily
easier then anything that ever exsisted
easier than the cool winds that blow
through your hair and then in between my sighs

and I sat down and held my knees together
on top of the wet grass where I use to remember
hearing the sweetest lullabys of childhood
crashing themeselves into my body
and I melt harder
and harder
into breathing more so easily

easier then the time I looked into your eyes and your london left its burning letter
and easier then the time I fully built up the
guts to walk away from the building where only the
floor had been built

and I closed my eyes
as I danced on top of the ruins the wars inside of me left behind
I threw my heart into the sky
forgetting the fear of having it fall on nothing
and then giving into something in that
old old world
of nothing

happiness persecutes everything inside of me
and I melt harder
and harder
into breathing more easily

my eyes they do wonder
more than you will ever know
will they always
tend to find themeselves in thoughts unpredicted
by even myself
who could probe so deep, mingle so lightly
with touches and sighs not meant to come out they way they do
but even more
so much more
then what ill ever draw with my finger
love dipped sand gripped
oh autumn summer fall
gray September
red winter
sepia summer
under leaves and leaves

ocean

the ocean never changed
where I felt touch as a woman
released my first sighs as a woman
doing bad so bad
under things that were so beautiful

that was so beautiful

I mix and walk back
I must be a woman
to walk this way

and to look into all of your eyes
and feel nothing
and then feel everything

alcohol

white fresh and tastes like spring
under the imagination of so many things
I can go on forever

you know
about cups lovers creeps echos and black *******
that helps me flow

and I still bend to weak minds and words
I still bend to eyes fleeting destruction
to eyes who try to lie about everything
make believe they are something
dieing inside from nothing
bleeding tape around mouths with tongues that are too narrow
for proper speech

i still bend to beauty and love for the sake of -- love
or anything of such kind
meanings lost mixed and revealed through each other
with such discreet difference in between
and I feel the difference
and the contrast only makes me fall deeper into things that i don't know

once discovered

I grab my scarf wrap it around my neck with a thin cancer mutation in between my fingers
select my watch drape it around my wrist
put all belongings where they belong
and check out into the next hotel of
malicious life tones