While daydreaming
during my morning
ritual,
           scars aching from
the hot water on my
skin,
         Make-up runs into
my hair
                 my fingertips
start to crinkle
like my eyes used to
                                       whenever our lips met.

I look down on my left
       breast
                    and see a
                    dark brown
                    eyelash
                   resting there
                    it is not mine.

It has a new meaning now.

I pick it off,  blow
it off my finger

I do not make a wish.

she gave me an empty book
in which to write poetry.

she told me she made it.

she told me she didn't use line paper because
lines only limit us.

without lines on the pages,
my poems would surely flow more freely

in all directions.


i couldn't tell her
that when my world is spinning out of control (which is often)


that lines are the only thing that can give me direction

Remember how you used to
                  watch me?

your blue eyes,
                 staring at me while I
   was onstage
playing a song, reading a poem,
         performing a monologue

even when I wasn't onstage
    when we were alone
                in my room
and I would sing  for you
          then kiss your forehead
     and stroke your ears.

Even in class, when I would speak
      my mind
I always knew you were listening
                          intently

sometimes, from across the room,

    you would watch me
            dance.

Thank you for appreciating
        the art and
           those moments I
wanted to share with you.

      I hope you cherish
                   them

as much as I do

I am sitting outside of our home

Hoping, sending messages telepathically
messages that you will never get

that you might meet me here

but those towers were knocked down today

and it was today that I
realized that you
are just as gone as they are.

What once was
                             is now a pile
of rubble and dust
never coming back

but, when i drive up that hill

i can still see them

and when i walk
down that hallway, i still
see you behind that desk
wearing the sweater i gave you.

Happy to see me.




but you're gone
                                  gone gone gone.

the ghost of you is
everywhere.

I can see
your face

hear your voice
feel your skin, your hair

and i miss you.

I try every ******* thing
I can possibly think of

to stop missing you

But I haven't found anything

that quite does the trick.

they know passion
they take it too far
faces suspended high,
like skeletal art.

they are passion.
not high risk gossip.

i warned you.

i told you i would hurt you.

i told you i was ****** up.

i told you that my soul has always been in pieces
and that any attempt to put the shards back together
will only end in bloodied fingers.

i said, "i'm the girl that will break your heart".


and you were stupid for not believing me

but
i didn't want to believe it either.

like that dream you have when you're falling
and you wake up with a jolt
                and heart is bump bumping
    loving you is exciting

like when you're eating a meal cooked by your mom
and you just can't believe how good it tastes
warm and full of comfort
loving you is home

like when your sister is in the hospital
and you can't stop wondering if she's going to be okay
loving you is devastating

like when you hear that song that brings you right back to high school
heart swells with good memories
       loving you is nostalgic

like when you spend all your money on a new camera you've been saving up for
and you're just so excited to make new moments beautiful

loving you is brand new

was all I could find
writing poems late at night
my cracking
popping
       joints are keeping me company in the screaming silent hissing of the heater
the snow melting against the windowsill.
words written in ****** red pen
mean much more or
much less
than they would in the daylight

hovering over a
puddle of you,
“are you okay”

I whisper

you have been asleep
a few moments too long

I worry.

your voice was not shaking
i only heard understanding.

under the phone crackling
i heard a train going somewhere far away.

i want to turn myself inside out
so you can see how my heart is covered in blood

but i can trust you
not to try to fix it.
but just to understand.

It's My Specialty.




get in line
i'll break your heart

i'll make you think you're the best thing to ever happen to me

and then i'll cut you open-
leave you colder

than you were before
you met me.

i'm so good at making mistakes


i'm so good at hurting people

so, get in line
for just two months of your time

i'll break you to pieces

This is a feeling that
resonates within me

and makes me quiet.
I feel empty
and wanting.

so empty, yet so full
of wanting more.

I know how my life
looks, I know how
I want it to look

and I want you in it.

Maybe I'm just *******
scared of transition

Maybe I've realized
that i'm terrified of
being alone.

So I use people

like teddy bears. I
hold them close,
sleep with them every
night
         sigh into their
soft       fur

               and kiss their paws

But eventually, I throw my bear
                                           to the
garbage.

And I try to sleep
without it, but
the nights are cold
and scary
So I ask Teddy
to come back.
But Teddy's not the
same.

                 Teddy doesn't soothe.


So I get a new bear

never happy


It's this feeling

that resonates in me

that I'll always be here,

with or without a

******* teddy bear

and I should

teach    myself to

feel good,

even when I sleep
                     alone.



                   Is that it?
                          Am I just
                           scared of
                        alone-ness?

scared of the night?


But I feel it in my skin,
in the follicles of my hair,
and behind my teary
           wet eyes

That

          Oneday

I will walk down the
street at night.

Daring someone to
cross my path.

Wearing high heel shoes,


just waiting for someone

                            to fall in love
with my glowing smile

and my radiant hair,

just so I can say,

    "no thank you."

I have wiped the slate clean
with the sleeve of my shirt

where my heart once found its home


this morning
sobbed over the frying pan

stupidly thinking
about how I used to make you breakfast




but it was being appreciated that I truly miss
and I’m not sure if that’s what it really was
if you truly appreciated me


or if you just liked the idea of having someone make you breakfast.


regardless
I miss you saying thank you

i think i'm healing.

I  hope that is okay with him.

I hope he doesn't think of me and

cry

at the threads of thought

whisper
"she's moving



on"




and I hope he knows


that i could never
have known


what i needed

if he hadn't explained it


through talks of change
and change and change

i was scared


but i'm moving



on


slowly, i am moving
away

from what i used to



Be.

the sweet angry words
of a soul so far away
awake me to breathe

I'm an easily startled creature

move slowly,
        
             but always move in
                  my direction



     When you hunt me down,
                           make it painless

strike through the heart

       I will collapse

             blood seeping into
                      the soil
             drag my body through
                               the forest

to a safer place

my heart will stop beating





i can't
i can't do this


i've been trying
but the grief is too hard


when the rain hits the pavement
and stings my eyes

i think only of how

you always wanted to hold me in a thunderstorm

I can feel my body sighing and heaving
and my spine sticks through my skin
and leaves an indent

in this rock hard bed

i want to sandpaper it down until it doesn't feel like it's killing me
(i want it to just **** me)

what on earth
happened to sleeping peacefully



I guess

when you left,
you took sleeping peacefully with you




like you took everything else.

Four weeks later
I'm still sad about it.

     listening to songs
                                   I wish you had
                            played for me



remembering
                           the day we walked through
                           a snow fallen    
                                           forest

beautiful, more than anything.
                    I couldn't believe it

and we walked for a long time,
                     just in silence

and we were scared to hold each
                                             other's hands

(maybe it was just me that was afraid)

                    When we walked back to my
                                      room

                  an­d you fell asleep in my arms

                                     I kissed your forehead
                               and felt a world of



                                              everything
­                                                         in my heart


Just like you said I would
when you dared me to fall in
love with you.
                         And then
                                    I did


When you awoke,
                                  we
undressed each other
                                    slowly

while deep lip kisses

               burned into my brain



I fell for you.  That's the
              hardest thing in the world
to admit
                   because everyone said I
would fall for you


but I wanted to prove them
                                          *wrong

burnt mouth taste
aching chest
legs tights and cramped

heavy head, not to be held up any longer
by the strings I have cut throughout my day

i want to be free from them
I want to hold myself up


but i always wait
wait for your strings
to be tied around my wrists

please tie my soul to my body

I fear it will fall away
and I will lose myself in the sadness I felt before I met you

and I will go back to being the sad person i was

you remember.
I used to write those sad poems

now my poems are only sad when you feel far away

I tried

to smile today and
my bottom lip split

perhaps it's selfish of me
to assume that i am your
priority

sometimes
                   and time again
    
I am forgetful.

      I forget that you are
your own person.
i'm not you.

                    
And maybe I love you too much.

i miss you so much when you're gone,
so when you come back

I try to push our bodies together
and make us one

so that i can understand what it's like to be someone else
other than me.
maybe i live through you

and maybe you need space.

i find that i avoid comprehending
the complexity
of the idea of
            
                        other people.

Well we woke up in this relationship
And now i find that I'm talking ****
About myself and the things i feel
Because i don't know what's right or what's real
I only run sprints, not marathons
And you keep saying, "girl, what are you ON"
Because i never get tired of hanging with you
But I'm always so scared that you'll see that I'm too
Too crazy too weird too much to handle
One bad day and I'm off the handle
But hey i dont care if you believe me or not
Cuz I think you're cute and i like you a lot.

my mom said
that this is like someone dying.

and she's right.
because i loved you and cared for you
and i used to spend time with you

and now i can't.
because you're gone.

but the difference between this and death


is that i could make all of this pain go away

in the blink of an eye

i could make this come back alive.

i could pull you close
and whisper that i'm sorry

but it wouldn't solve anything

like a needle filled with lustlovedrugs
i could inject you into me

but it would wear off
and i would be left filled with regret

i could never use you like that.






that would be the worst thing i could do to you.
you'll find someone better for you than i was


i just wish i was that person
and i wish i knew what the **** i'm doing
when i'm not crying

If more people lived life, modeled after you
If more people lived freely
If more people expressed themselves
Without fear
   Without that crushing concept of conformity
   This world would be a better place
        A place I could be proud to be a part of
If more people took the time to open their eyes
        And break apart those hoary curtains
Of societal expectations
That smother us in their weight
And choke us in their clouds of accumulated dust
This world would be a better place
You bring so much to this world
Each
                                            moment
     you share
     with us

I'm unsure,
                  shaky
I step onto this bridge
                         shivering, uncomfortable

Leaving what I always knew
                        trekking to a new
        place,
                        uncharted territory


this bridge seemed short when
                           I first set foot on it


Now that my vision is no longer
                                      blurry

i can see that it goes on
             for
                          miles

            I can't turn back.

when you held me last
there was a grey tension

the two of us, held in suspension
the air thick with questions

a grey tension, a fog placing the slightest pressure on my lungs
wondering when the air will clear

wondering if you will be here
when you are gone


those questions- small bricks
my clothes catch on them, they come out of nowhere
seemingly to fall from the buildings we have constructed together

a brick falls here
and there

empty spaces next to the window
missing


they have fallen on me,
luckily missing my head


these questions
were a grey fog
keeping my lungs from their full potential

these questions
were heavy bricks from our house
falling on top of me


and today
i could breathe
when i remembered that the fog is temporary

my bruises disappeared
when i remembered
that our house can always be repaired


so if you will take my hand

let's move to the lands where the air is crisp and clean
and rebuild our house
together

i want to call you

you're less than a minute away.

i want to tell you that i'm sorry that i can't hold it together

i cry whenever i think of you at all.

i want to cut myself

it's a stupid temporary solution

i want you to hold me

tell me that i'm not a ****** up person

i want you to tell me that everyone feels this way sometimes

come on baby, lie to me


don't tell me that "now's not a good time to talk"

don't tell me that i'll get through this

don't look me in the eyes

because i can't handle you
and all of your strength

when i am weak and on my knees

i turn my face away
when he asked me
"is this love?"

i wanted him to
ask me
"   are you love?"

My mind is flowing
                       with questions
and no answers
                              I don't want to
                           be trapped in this

I want to lie in the grass in a
                field,    
                              absorbing the sunlight
      and listening to my breath

                    in.      out.
                                       in.       out.



and it seems funny
        
         that some people do.

             some people are lying in
                       warm grass

or maybe on black pavement -  hot from
                 sunlight
                                     August in Missouri
                    
  sounds nice right now

don't have *** with somebody you're not in a relationship with,
they all say.


            it gets messy.

hearts get torn apart
                                 when the pumping
leads to a sense of attachment
          and a feeling
                      of being used.

Don't have *** unless you're in love.

I thought it
didn't apply to me.

because i'm supposed to be
the heart-breaker

        Never let anyone too close.

or they'll run away when
they figure out who
I really am

but the ***
  

when the skin
is wet with perspiration
                 and hair is in your
mouth, licking moist
thighs, so excited

and afterward
you want to tell them
                                             your secrets.


but your secrets hold so much power



and they run away
faster than you can say

                                  

                              thanks for the ****

Your fingertips -
                                     as if covered in black ink
                                                                          or mud -
   have left markings on my hips

                     where you pushed your
                                      hands into me,

your lips left love on my skin


and the places you would plunge into me

             and I would dive into you, too

is a place
       that aches as I write this

is a place of forgiveness
                                        of giving

and your fingertips pressed into my
                   skin
                            and weaved through
                                      my hair

my scalp only gave
                                      and we pulled
                            each other and pushed
                             even harder until
I rose to the top -
                  then you.

it would be
   absolutely
             fantastic
if
       in five years

I could **** someone else

the pain subsiding
        into
         a dull ache
in the back of my
        throat
                 with a kick

when life is suddenly too busy for poetry


i drown
without it



i simply drown

**in everything else

in the air,    in the blue sky
      The same sky I often look up at
but I find myself looking down
   watching cars become specks then -

                                         disappear.
Endless horizon,
                         that blur of white and
          sea green, then
                            the clearest blue
                                   the perfect sky.

The earth is so much larger
                    than I can possibly
                         comprehend.


       Much like your love for me

You once said to
me      (in more or
                     less words)

that you were happy to share
the moon
         with someone you
care about.


I look at it now
and I talk to the man
up there
               I say
                       I love you

and ask him to pass along
the message.

why


does


it


still


hurt




*But on the other hand,



my heart is saying


thank you

to my voice

the water is dark. we've been in this boat for a long time.
we're holding each other, shivering.

the water is dark. Black
we lie in the bottom of the boat, trying to stay warm

holes, tiny holes.
breaking through our little boat.

stand up.
water covers our toes, turn yours blue.

the boat rocks.
you are losing your balance.

the boat rocks.
you grasp at me, at the edges of our boat.

I reach for you, taking your hand.
that was close, my love.

something in the water.
the sky is dark; no stars nor moon.

"what is that?"
I don't know, love.

scared, all of a sudden.
tears, as cold as the water.

will we make it?
I don't know.

Wind blows suddenly
a wave crashes

what is happening?
I don't know.

You go.
You had to leave.

I couldn't hold on to your hand
fingers frozen

I'm sorry.
I don't know.

I tried,
I tried.

I wanted to help you.
We were in this boat together

and all of a sudden,
I had to save you

I don't know how.
I don't know.

You are sinking.
Sinking.

The boat is sinking.
Sinking.

You are gone.
Do I jump in after you?

Do I hope that you will make it?
Can I help you?

Is it too late?
I don't know.

I don't know.

I said I couldn’t imagine my life without you

and now you have forced me to do the unimaginable

it’s bleak, dark, lonely
full of fake smiles and 2 am binges
stomach aches and head aches and back aches, nausea
this weird urge to chop off all my hair and send it to you in a box
along with all your ******* letters with that little three word lie printed on every page
in your small beautiful handwriting

no sleep,
and when sleep happens
I wake up with a tiny speck of disgusting hope that this was all a dream
and it fades back into reality like a dark shadow over my bed

like my makeup smearing into my skin

dying my cheeks black


you’re gone

and you’re never coming back



if my empty chest was a house
I’d burn you to the ground

you brought me right
   back to high school

staying up late
                smoking ***
making love until
                    we just can’t
                                   anymore
you broke down all of my walls
               you peeled my shell
               off of my skin,

leaving me flushed and pink

    You brought me right back
            to child-like wonder
  and joy

laughing so hard we roll on
                      the floor
running and screaming
               then you lift
                          me up
                way into the air

the child in me

        is the happiest


I’ve ever been
--------

        When we finally

have to wake up and be
                     adults--

When that morning comes

                             I’ll cry like a baby

when love is black
and our fingers are intertwined

i look outside and see the white snow
and tremble with anger

but i hold my sustenance dear

when the walls have been broken down
and there is confusion in our voices

i look to the blood red sky and pray
pray, yes, I pray
that i will see it blue again
in  this lifetime

I'm coming down from my high
I spent all day getting
                         drunk off of
my own loneliness

            so I sit here

sobering up   ,
                               eyes blurred
                                             vision

people pass me
            
                     I pull up my
socks
               straighten my skirt

and avert my gaze

careful not to make eye contact

lest someone see

                       how ****** up
         gorgeous I am.

Dear [god]
                       my weeks of
un ending       numb
   nothing numb

and now.          A
               kind of hurt
that
I needed so
      badly,
                  forcing me
to     feel
                  the things

I couldn't
                  when I
had someone

                     I have no one

And I wonder how that makes you feel

         But I'll probably never know,


now

Waking up next to you
                    is a reminder of what it
                                         means to live

I grow simply from the scent of your skin.

Waking up next to you
        is as if the Titanic never sank

       and all those people
           just got to where they were going.

Waking up next to you is like
               swimming naked in the ocean

your blue sheets
                  wet from perspiration
and my own milk
                                  the smell like
                                    the barn on my uncle's
                                   24 acre plot of land in Iowa.

            Waking up next to you
is a sunrise
                   with morning dew on my nose

we
        push against each other'

       wanting to be held

       the way someone else
                                   held us
                         a long time ago.

and with every
              drunk kiss

             every stupid television
                                                show
                                            we watch
                                               on your sunken couch

every joint we smoke

          you push my unanswered questions

back down my throat

with the tips of your
                       fingers


you make me forget

                that I once
                      loved someone else.


in fact,
                               maybe you make
                                    me forget
                                                 everything



                      until I feel numb.


And maybe,

               just maybe,



                     that's exactly what

                            I wanted you to do

Three weeks ago
I was so sad I thought I would die

And now
I’m not sad at all
So,
I am living proof that
Time goes on.

Quit whining

i don't know
if i like the fuzz on your earlobes
more
or less
than anyone else's.
and i'm only telling you this

because i don't want to you feel too special
when you don't deserve it

but i wish i had kissed your ears.

i really regret that
but you would probably have pulled away

and then i wouldn't be writing this stupid ******* poem about absolutely nothing and calling it art

i can't believe i didn't see what i had done to you. this
is more

this is more than just your average heartbreak.


i ****** you over,
my darling.

when did this happen...
?

                        when i wasn't looking?



i turned away from you,
focusing on my own life

           trying so hard to fix what we both know has always been broken


                                         neglecting
you\


in the process



                          oh honey

oh,
puppy.


you are so strong
and you will hold on

you will make it out of this


because i made it out of my whole life.

i somehow survived.

i slit my wrist for the first time
when i was 12

still just a kid.

i smoked *** for the first time
when i was 13.

still just a confused little kid.

i let someone put their **** in me for the first time
when i was 13

still just a ****** up confused little kid

tried to **** myself for the first time
when i was 13

still just a ****** up confused angry little kid


if i could survive that

you will survive
this.

your strength

it emanates from your gorgeous hands.
and pulses through your veins.

it's so stupid/dumb/ridiculous
that i persist
in the creation of

**** songs like this
but here i go again.

i have to scream and cry
because emotions
let me know i'm alive

but tell me boy
when i smile
do you know it's because

i'm thinking of times

when i was with you, boy

but now


things are different
things haven't been making sense
things aren't right
since you left

I want to be a place
   a safe haven
                    for you

a place
                 where you are warm

       I want to be a home,
          consistent
                               sturdy
                                              dependable
I want to be your bed


         you can come here

   strip off the clothes of the day

            sleep
                  as peaceful as
           a sunset lake

                   in me.

I reach
            My arms are not long enough
my heart feels like a lake of clear
                                water, bursting through a dam


I explode with desire
                                  to hear your voice

to understand everything about you

               My feet are rooted to the ground
                        and yours have blisters from running

I do not understand
                           I wish to understand

to know how and when your heart beats
                when and why you feel pain

                         where you are
      
                                    where are you?


How can I get to the place to where you
                                            are going?