two days ago

      I was looking at old pictures
on my camera

             and I found one of Us
you, puckered up ready to kiss

and me, smiling and happy.

I pressed delete


"This photo cannot be deleted."

My camera doesn't want to
     get rid of you.

and I'm not sure I
want to either.

your eyes
were big blue water pools

last night.


i was so happy-
                         ****** up-
                                      weak-
                         strong -
                                confused-
                                        empty-
                                                         cold-
                                                                            shaking-
                                                                                                       wanting

wanting to kiss you
happy to fix you

****** up in my own head
weak alone in my bed

strong here without you
confused about what to do

empty
because you're not here

cold
because you're not here.

shaking from this panic attack
wanting
to put that gun in my mouth

and pull the trigger





bang.

Does it have to get worse before
              it gets better?
                            are we going to
                            drown
   before we grow gills?

             or can we depend on each
                other to lift us out
                    of the deepest ocean
                         we've ever swam in

Who is benefitting?
                                     Who is angry?
Who is Dying?
                                Who is surviving?
Who is scared?
                               Who is speaking?
Why
           are
                  there disparities?      S   P        A    C    E   S

                                               between the
                   lives we want to live
                                           and
                                                       the ways we are
                                                                              shot in the
                                                                                         street

the rain

makes me want to sit silently

and listen
to all of the everything that the earth has given me

and i can't really comprehend it
which is why,
probably
the rain makes me so sad

I sometimes forget what you look like


                      yes
your ****** expressions
                             and your teeth

And I feel so wrong

You are the one I shouldn't be able to
forget
                       you should be scarred into my mind by now,
                                                                        lover.

A deep crimson red, like
the deepest part of me you've
                                      seen

Put that down, before you hurt
                                           yourself.

what can be done
         we live in a black box
with no airholes
                         trapped
                        suffocating
                        scared.
who's going to protect us?
who am I going to protect?

                      who  .             .               .               .          .     ?

I have one sister
                one partner
                          one best friend
                                     two parents

and a hell of a lot of pain.

      who will take this on their
        shoulders with me?

                                  and who will
shoot holes
      into this dark box?

remember when we first met

how I was so ****** up
and the ways I chose to deal with things

like a child, angry and out of control
rash decisions
drinking
***
cutting

and over these past three years

you turned me inside out
my skin is on the inside
and my heart is on my sleeve

how do you tell someone
"i miss you"



when your heart aches
when you just think
the words.

i could never bear to say them out loud

i'm worried about even putting them here.


but I do,

I miss you.


and I think about you all the time.


The more I learn about myself,
the more I realize

that I just want to see you again.





now i guess i'll just wait and see.

i always wake up with a sinking feeling in my stomach

but this morning, it felt much worse than usual.

everyone is going back,
to where we used to be in love.

and that place is empty without you

and as much as i tell our friends that i will come visit

i dread going back there.
because it only ever reminds me of you

i walk down streets and i keep hoping i will see your face


but you're gone

******* gone



and i can't figure out how to accept that

it's amazing
                        that you
never notice
            how much you think
about someone
                    until
it hurts to think about
         them

and lately, my heart hurts
       every few minutes
I'm filled with confusion
and heartache

because i wasn't given an explanation
and it feels as though

you are trying to ****
yourself off in my
mind

                            but you are not dead

and you can't fool me
          into feeling
lost without you

        because i will find you again

                           if you will
                               find me.

When you got out of your
car, eyes exhausted and
red from crying the whole
way home,

                     were you thinking of me?




I was thinking of you.

I'm leaving
      and I'm not coming back

To this town
filled with memories of you
(I would say memories of us,
but I don't really feel
like I was a part of them.)
It was always you.

You were the roots
keeping me here

Until I realized, I am
                     not a tree

I am a bird
            with wings

Wings to fly away with.

And you are gone,
       across the country.

That town would never
feel like home
without you.

I would only fill my time
with meaningless conversations
carried on by people
that don't care about me.

So I'm going home
away from our house

Because that town
is in the middle of nowhere

and it was only ever a "somewhere"

                                                  with you

when I think about even the simplest things

like placing my palm on your warm cheek
or running my fingers through your soft hair

I feel like I’m dying

I feel like I have cancer, it’s infecting my heart and rapidly multiplying

and like a person who knows that they’re dying

all I can do is watch tv

and stare at my phone

and cry in the ******* shower
and cry in the bathroom at work
and cry on the sofa at 1 in the morning

but I can’t eat
and I can’t sleep


because you made those things so much more than simple human needs
you took these mundane every day activities like shoveling food into our mouths

and you made them into these magical moments

where I was truly, and completely

content

i was lying awake last night
thinking about how i'm scared of being alone.

and i thought,
"being alone is just being by myself"


i'm scared of being with myself?

i'm scared of being in a room
with myself?



why?

it seemed so silly
to be afraid when i thought of it that way.


i decided i'm just going to not think about being alone.

and think more about being with myself.

escaping myself

because you could never fathom the horrible things that run through my head
when i'm alone


i was thinking about how
you got me to
stop thinking so much
and just feel things for you
instead

I find myself angry
and near tears
because I fear
that I might not
be able to get over you

When the fear gets to
be too much

I drink or
I find someone
                         else

to keep me warm

but that doesn't always work

either my standards
are too high
or my
self-esteem too low

either
             way

I want you
to come back home

am I numb?

am I shoving these feelings down in order to survive?

if I was truly feeling them, could I go to work, or go to school?


could I laugh and have fun with my friends?
could I think about kissing other people?



am I numb?



or maybe I’ve just been over you since the last time we saw each other

two months ago
when we wore promises like chapstick



and I wore your hands like a shirt

The worst thing to ever happen
Was you

When you kissed me that first time
I thought I was gonna have to pay you money for it

And when I first held your hand
I thought it was gonna feel like needles

The first time we had ***
I thought maybe
I would hate it
I thought it would scar me

I thought maybe you would be so bad for me

But the worst thing that happened
Was me

Being wrong
About you

on a lonely day
on a lovely day


the clouds overhead are promising rain

i'm just waiting
for the water to pour from the sky

so that i might dance in it.

your voice is a low rumble
        that pushes over waves
of everything else

Your laugh sticks out

                    it calms me
                  
                                       because it means
                                                    you're near.




shut up shut up shut up

I'm so worried that I'll
never find anyone
that is as good to me
as you    were.
I'm worried that all of
my future relationships will
all be for the wrong reasons.

I'm worried that I made
up all these things
that were wrong with
our relationship.

I'm worried that you were
perfect for me
           and I ****** everything up

Like I always do

                         with everything.

it has become
incredibly important

that I figure out
who I am.

and I guess, I can
only start with who
I'm not.

       I'm not going
to be someone that
uses people.
    which means I can
never go back to you.
as much as I want
to.
        because it's easy.

If I could have one
wish and make it
   come true,

I'd make myself be
in love with you.

it would be so easy.
I wouldn't have to lie to
     you.
              I could hold you
and give you comfort

I wouldn't miss your
body all the time.

But I don't have any wishes.

I only know how to work hard


at being strong,

                           and work on
learning and loving myself.

I have never touched you.
I have wildly laughed, bent
at the waist, hair
hanging - shaking laughter.

You have seen my garden,
we have circled it. Bare patches of dirt held up by crooked wood planks, they were here when i moved in, i just put up the chicken wire.
I told you what I wanted to grow in my soil.
I told you about my truce with the weeds - creeping charlie that
grows beautiful tiny purple flowers and heals your stinging nettle if you yank up the small round leaves and rub them on your skin, turning it green, but
also choke out my radishes.

I have seen you sweat -
on a bicycle on a hot
day - you look at
me - exasperated.
   And joyous.
Under your helmet, beads
of moisture gently sliding down your hairline.
You are gorgeous. And you
may or may not know it-
But when you smile at me,
my heart smiles back.

You feel like forgiveness.
You feel like inner peace and hope.

Your gentle quiet vulnerability
   has me weeping

                relief
                 joy
                 grief for my past
                                     selves.
A deeper understanding of
myself and of love and connection.

A spiritual journey, - is all
life is.

My hair and your hair
     in the sun
appearing to set the world ablaze
               like my heart feels now
like a sinking stone in a clear blue rushing cold river
like bruises on both my knees
like breathlessness, 150 feet suspended in the air
             lowered slowly by your gorgeous hands
breathless
like waking up tied around your hot skin
like hot tears in my morning coffee.

like writing poetry to send messages to you via universe vibes mail

How to tell you i miss you
how to express that my soul has melted
or disintegrated

As if Chernobyl occurred in Northeast Minneapolis

Killing us both -
I'm simply waiting. When
will the green luscious vines and plants, butterflies
and birds repopulate this barren space -

filled with the worst kind of poison

Not for another thousand years
Or at least
not until
Spring
Summer
Fall

The sun softly arrives on my skin.
A welcome visitor - I have
      learned gratitude.
I have learned gratitude for
                    you.

These fast months, since the
  fireworks in Manzanillo -

They rush with no hope
of slowing down.

Until the planet decided it
was time to change
our pace.
The time is now, as it
always is.
No choice but to be present,
because in a few days
it might be demons
                and flames.

The future wants you
       to worry and
have concern -

But only Mother Earth, the
Goddess of the Universe -
Only She has control.

Do you choose love, do
you choose fear?

Do you squash the bug
that flies and lands
on your knuckle?

Do you listen for sirens,
or do you listen for
                         hope?

Who do you pray to,
     and why?

Is there a difference between
feeling connected to others
         and feeling alive?

How long does the pain
of grief last?

Will you embrace what the
      Goddess has given you?