the flood gates have opened,
               the water rushes to my center, the
                           place where I feel things
it breaks me down
                        leaks through the walls

and you are my water

      you are my rain - the rain
              that washes away everything else

Clothes drenched - strip them off.
Make-up smeared - wipe it away

            You are the river
                       I float downstream,
              watch the sun sparkle off of the
                  reflection of my face,

                            red hair clinging to my shoulders.

              you are my ocean
      and I feel infinite
                                      when your waves
                                           crash over me

So let them crash over me,
                               let them sweep me
                                                        away

                         sink to the bottom of you.

i would see you in the bed, with the blanket tucked underneath your big feet
which would probably be hanging off the bed
because you're so tall.

hair smooshed up against a pillow,
                             naked under the sheets.

you make little sound
                         other than your slow inhale and exhale
sleep suits you wonderfully



and i would take off my cardigan
then my shirt
then my skirt and tights
then my socks
then my bra
then my underwear
and for a few seconds, i would be very cold
              
        but then, i would peel back the sea of blankets surrounding you

and feel the warmth being thrown into the universe by your skin
i would
                   i would kiss your shoulder

pour myself into the space between your arm and your waist

                   and nestle in deep, breathing in your scent
pulling the ocean back over us,
     not giving you a chance to shudder at the cold.

you are

musky and soft, the scent of a log cabin in the woods
                        with bread baking inside

you are warm enough to bake me.

                        and your warmth
fills me up

like a cup of love

that you will pour for me in the morning

I wish I could drench your pain
in peppermint
rub it onto your forehead
                            and into your heart

and soak up your coffee tears
with a warm blanket
  and hold you while you cry

I wish I could sew all of our
clothes together, so I
would always be there
when the red walls start
bleeding and creeping toward
you.
        I can't fix the
world

          but I can do a few things

         I can cook you a warm breakfast
            and dinner when you come home

I can wash our clothes
      when they get filled
with the  paint that you
       drown yourself in

I can love you
                        the way my mother loves me


because that's all I know how to do.

When I hear her voice
     it rings
     it sings, it soothes
like a warm fireplace
    and she smiles
like she knows all your
problems and
      more than anything
loves and understands.

This gorgeous girl
feather earrings
orange and blue fingernails
long dresses flowing

She is poetry.

She writes messily
with tender hands
that know how to
hold a pencil like a
weapon of mass
love-making.

    She creates.
She makes
She just pulls emotion
out of the air
and breathes it onto
canvas, notebook
pages,      the backs
of my hands.

She makes color
   come alive. She
is poetry.
She is poetry
  She is soul.
She is kindess
    She is color.

She is passion

I have not written
                     anything worthwhile
in months
                   other than the words
I send you,    in bleached white
                                         envelopes

and even though, poetry is somewhat
                                                         absent,


you   are    not.


                  and you are a wonderful
                                      replacement


but now I realize -
                                 I can have both.


Because sweet sweet,
                               you are poetry

you live in my chest and you

ignite me, a catalyst for

      these words-         a place
for them to grow

                      you allow me to be
                        me.
and you do this very simply-

by loving what I do. You

think I'm so talented, but I know

that some of it is just a
self-fulfilling prophecy.

                     You tell me
             I write beautifully -
      that you appreciate my poems.



Can't you see?
                           That's why  I

                               write them.

Can't you see?
                          You are
                                     my poetry.

Your fingertips -
                                     as if covered in black ink
                                                                          or mud -
   have left markings on my hips

                     where you pushed your
                                      hands into me,

your lips left love on my skin


and the places you would plunge into me

             and I would dive into you, too

is a place
       that aches as I write this

is a place of forgiveness
                                        of giving

and your fingertips pressed into my
                   skin
                            and weaved through
                                      my hair

my scalp only gave
                                      and we pulled
                            each other and pushed
                             even harder until
I rose to the top -
                  then you.

ten words
I simply can't
   escape you
but do I want to?

haiku
you caress my mind
delicately with soft words
    I miss your hands more

10 words
difficult to imagine
your grace and charm
wasted
               on Texas.

haiku
chairs and warm coffee
I sit obsessed with letters
your envelope, brown

10 words
I want you
to move back.
Home- be with me

haiku
I can't really press
you will make your own choices
But I stay hopeful.

10 words
maybe
someday
soon, you
will come back around this direction.

haiku*
confession of mine
I dream of your voice and hands
startled, awaken.


I've said some things
to you, in the past
in that space/time
     continuum that

have whipped me into shape

            why I thought
I could do better than
                               you

I have no idea


but I hope you dance
                    more now

      and I hope you
never lost your sweet
                            smile

Because when I can't
   sleep,      I
throw the blankets off of me,
and I think hard- imagining
a perfect relationship

                      and realize
that perfection does not exist

      but I always
think,
                     "I got pretty
close to perfect
             with you."

where are you

the bees die one by one, i find them frozen on the windowsill
i wonder
if they loved me the way i loved them

i run to the mailbox day after day
and see if there is new love to receive

but what about the days when the bees die?

and there are no letters?

and where are you?

i cried the other day,
laid my head down on the kitchen table and sobbed

no one was home.

no one was home.


i left wet drip drips on this piece of paper

where i was writing to you a letter
that started with
"Alex-"

and after three pages of anger and sadness
and "why are you doing this to me
why would you do this to me
right when i was finally going to be okay"

i ripped it up

and wiped my face

there was a pile of tissues, just like
all those days i cried in your room

when
you would try

try desperately to wipe away the tears


but we would always look
flustered and wet

like we had just run through the rain

the last time we
****** was pumped
with passion and
there was an extra
flavor there that I
am now proud to
admit was
              awkward.

You pulled your laptop
into the bathroom
and the picture was
so blurry that
I couldn't really
tell if you were
biting your lip
or grinning
insanely.
I was twisting
uncomfortably
in my bed,
trying to pose in a
way that didn't
feel as though
my legs would go numb
and drop off my
hips in ****** apendages
but that also
didn't cause my stomach
rolls to emerge
in a way that
suggested I could
be popped into
an oven and devoured.

The time before that,
We were ******* each other
goodbye. There were
black make- up stains
on your dorm room
pillow and some mixed
smells of regret and
my **** juice. You tried
to reassure me that
we'd stay in touch-
that you would *******
call. I promised I
would try to feel better
about the situation

but promises are
meant to be broken,
especially if they're made
by 2 ex-lovers at
four in the morning.

The time before that
was make-up ***.
I never told you this,
but I wasn't really
sorry. I
think I needed to
get ****** by that
other guy
    to prove to myself
that I was worth
fighting for.
(Besides, it's
not like you and I
were still together.)

The time before
that was on a Tuesday
before we had to
go to class.
(I always sat in front
of you, and we
would pretend that
the other didn't exist-
but your deep voice
sweeping the floor behind me
made it very difficult)
I remember
smelling your armpit
on my hand, and
wondering why that smell
got me so excited.

The time before that,
we both begged the
other to make love
to our sweet aching
lonely bodies while,
outside, the kids were
smoking *** and laughing.
My hands burned like
hellfire against the
back of your neck
and that sweet
melancholy sensation
and questions formed
inbetween our teeth
Do you still love me
        what will this
look like, come tomorrow?

Then, the time
before that, I
was ******* you
while alone in the
privacy of my room
(you were asleep in your bed, I'm sure)

I sobbed,
tugging at my *******
in a frenzy,
plunging into myself
so hard that the
next morning, I was
sore when I sat
down. The way
I imagined you inside
of me, back home
again which I guess,
at that point, is
where I thought
you belonged.
But now, I guess
I'm not so
                sure

The time before
that, we
were falling apart
and we both
knew it. I
think I lay numb,
underneath you,
going through the motions
thinking Thank God for
muscle memory. Without
it, I would be as
much of a robot on the
outside as I
felt on the inside.
And that would be
a ****** way for you
to find out that
I didn't love you
        anymore.

The time before that,
we were drunk
you asked me
a thousand times if
I was sure I wanted
to. You even made me
promise I wouldn't regret
it in the morning.
But promises are made
to be broken, especially
if they are made by
two drunk lovers at
four in the
morning.

The time before that,
we were in your
back yard.
The moon shone down
on us through the
willow branches.
I heard crickets.
  Just the right
amount of tipsy
   both of us pulled
our pants down
past our hips,
     you placed your
hoodie under my
***. I breathed in
the smell of your neck
I pulled you so close
I could swear our bodies
were going to melt
into each other

and the time
before that

was in the morning on
a saturday
         I kissed you
softly awake, pressed up
against your hot
skin under the covers
I swore I loved you

              and the thing
I have so far failed to mention

                   is that I
                           still do

so while the other boys
tug at my skirt,

           buy me beer,

write me songs

           I still mostly
      forget about them
                   when I go
          home at 1 in
                              morning.

But you,
            for some reason

get my hopes up
                in the worst way.


When the rain falls
                and thunder strikes
                    my tired
                               red head


I still wait for

                       the mail to come.


No letters from
                     You yet,


but I can't tear
    my eyes away
          from the mailbox


      Because,

                      I guess that
              would mean



                            giving up hope

                                                 all over again.

And
            
I don't think I
                could do it twice.


I don't think I could let you break me

                         a second time

we
        push against each other'

       wanting to be held

       the way someone else
                                   held us
                         a long time ago.

and with every
              drunk kiss

             every stupid television
                                                show
                                            we watch
                                               on your sunken couch

every joint we smoke

          you push my unanswered questions

back down my throat

with the tips of your
                       fingers


you make me forget

                that I once
                      loved someone else.


in fact,
                               maybe you make
                                    me forget
                                                 everything



                      until I feel numb.


And maybe,

               just maybe,



                     that's exactly what

                            I wanted you to do

All
That I can
do is smile as
I look at you, and
this pen runs out of ink.
You make me feel so warm inside,
so wholesome - so worthwhile - so
meaningful. Love is such a wonderful
experience. I close my eyes + I don't
see anything, but I feel everything. Moments
like these, I never want them to end.
I can't think of a good metaphor
to describe how my heart feels, but I'll
try my best to explain: it feels round,
heavy -  full with caring, the desire to share.
It wants so badly to
touch yours. I
feel so incredibly
wonderful.
Thank you.

Waking up next to you
                    is a reminder of what it
                                         means to live

I grow simply from the scent of your skin.

Waking up next to you
        is as if the Titanic never sank

       and all those people
           just got to where they were going.

Waking up next to you is like
               swimming naked in the ocean

your blue sheets
                  wet from perspiration
and my own milk
                                  the smell like
                                    the barn on my uncle's
                                   24 acre plot of land in Iowa.

            Waking up next to you
is a sunrise
                   with morning dew on my nose

When you look at me

your eyes change.
                                    from a muddy lake blue
to a golden yellow, shining white

          And I know that
              you are the most gentle
                      soul I've ever met
And I'll make you believe in souls
             just so I can describe
to you
                    how it feels when yours touches mine.

I can see your soul in those eyes
         It leaks out
                     when I talk about the
times I was hurt
            darling.
I have been hurt
                              and your eyes
turn grey like couds
                  when you listen to me
         speak of
                         the past tortures
                  the rapes the cuts
                          the scars the pills
                                  the pills

Your eyes never stay grey.

                     Because after grey comes green.

           Brilliant glowing like a
                     grass-covered hill where I used to
            point out shapes in clouds.
                                                         ­                                           (when I was 8 years old and trusting the
                                                             ­                                        world to keep me grounded; but gravity
                                                         ­                                            never did its job.)
when your eyes are
                        Green,              
                ­                           green grabs me
                   by the waist
                                             pulls me close
                     breathes me in
                                                   and says

"I will not let go
          
                    until you want me to"

But darling
                       your eyes lock tight

around me
              
                           and I like it

here.

The first official day of autumn

             like we needed some excuse
       to refresh

everything is so new
                   and at the same time
old- like my grandmother

familiar until she
had her stroke
                           and became someone
                                new and unknown.

like the trees when
         the leaves die

                        and fall.

we never needed
            an excuse to refresh

we fell apart,

          sick of summer
       and the sounds of construction

we longed for a change

         and we got rid of
         each other

so that eventually,

                   the leaves would grow back

we would always default
to
                  refresh

watch each others
    leaves grow back
       and change
    and fall again

                    and
    
                           grow back

but
         how do

you watch someone

                   be happy without you?



how could i watch

      your gorgeous leaves

crawl up the wall
                of a new house

with a new person living inside of it


when i was the one



                  to make your leaves turn brown and die


when i was the one
      
                           to bring winter's frost to your forest green

I sit in a stranger's kitchen
in the town
we once called home
a bottle in one hand
and a pen in the
                        other.

the things i have done
                                      today
would have made you
                       so happy.

I smoked a cigar
and drank a hot caffeinated beverage
outside of our favorite coffee shop
at an old deteriorating wood table and some plastic chairs
while breathing in
the early autumn air.

I missed you
on the car ride from the interstate into town;
we passed the
park where we saw the
lights
               and you told the
man in the costume that
you wanted me to love
                                        you.

Do you remember when we
picked up trash?
        I do.
   You wore that sweater I
                                     like,
but you were still cold

I wanted to keep you
          warm

Today
I went to that store
you love, the one
you would insist we
always go into.
They moved down
the street to a
bigger location.
They have more games,
more cards.

I asked the owners
if they had seen you
lately. They remembered
                                     you

Because you were so tall
              and friendly:
two of my favorite things
about you.

I bought a card
    with a dragon on it,
the one I always thought
was so pretty.
I asked for it by name.
I remembered the name
                           after all this time.

Tomorrow I will see a parade
and spend time
with our friends.
   They miss you,

but not as much as I do.

I am so glad I
left this place

because it only makes    
        me sad and
                regretful.

I wish I had
           not given up

because your soul is
  more beautiful
             and full of truth
        and connection

          it is a soul I
             have been looking
                for in other
                          people.

You do not exist
     in other people.


You exist

in a town I've never seen

with people I've never met


and emotions I've
                       never felt.


but, to summarize

I had a perfect day
albeit I was *missing one thing

I keep searching for you
      Or a replacement

But there is no one
                      around
to make my heart beat
                             anymore

And so I am lifeless

                     and jealous
of your life in
                            
Texas

Just give me the
                 word, baby

We can press our lips
        together again

like that last time
                on the bench

Where you told me you
                     loved me.


So tell me

                    where the ****
                              is your love now?

I'm drowning
                            and
you are nowhere to
                   be found

she awakens to the hum
of her phone vibrating
as usual
        she creeps out of
the room to take
the call,
                so careful
not to wake me.
  
         But I am awake,
a ringing in my ears
                and you are
   on my mind.

In the other room,
I hear the smile in
her voice, and I know
it's her boy
her boy that left for Chicago

She is so happy
for those five minutes
of phone conversation

          Her voice
gives her away.
                       She still loves him

After saying goodbye,
she comes back in the
room,      crawls back
into bed.


I ask, "How is he?"

She is so full of
relief
            at hearing his
voice



            and she has no idea


                              how much I would pay
                      for five minutes
                                 of phone conversation
                  
                                                    with you

the geese are leaving minnesota

they are gathering food for their long flight across the country
and i wonder where they will go

i hope, that

they might make it to you
down south
or wherever you are

and maybe you will meet the geese
that i pass on my way to work

the geese that i give a part of my bagel to
in the mornings where the ground is too hot for them to find food


maybe you will give them
some friendly love

like i always try to


maybe you will wave hello to them
if you see them

when they migrate to where you are
the way i wish i could have
six months ago

the rain

makes me want to sit silently

and listen
to all of the everything that the earth has given me

and i can't really comprehend it
which is why,
probably
the rain makes me so sad

remember when this oversized sweater was something to comfort me
and when i was near it, all my tears would be absorbed by the softness
and by the skin of the sweet that wore it

and that skin
to think of it
is no longer a comfort

it is a wasteland
a place i used to get lost

and now that i am out of the desert
i have tasted water
and freedom

and i don't believe that i will ever go back into that desert

although sometimes i miss the way
the sand felt between my toes

i haven't written in a while because all of my poems started to sound the same

they start off with " I miss you"
and usually end that way, too.

but my birthday was yesterday

and I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be

but I am really starting to understand things better
and my world has gotten more clear.

and you

only ever added to my happiness


but
I wish we had danced more,
when we had the time.

You
were my favorite person to dance with.


But I hope
that when you fall in love with someone new,

that they dance with you
and that they love you

the way you loved me.

i always wake up with a sinking feeling in my stomach

but this morning, it felt much worse than usual.

everyone is going back,
to where we used to be in love.

and that place is empty without you

and as much as i tell our friends that i will come visit

i dread going back there.
because it only ever reminds me of you

i walk down streets and i keep hoping i will see your face


but you're gone

******* gone



and i can't figure out how to accept that

wipe the lipstick off with the back of my hand
wipe the mascara black drenched tears from my cheeks

I get scared
           driving in my car
because I still want to run red lights
and I am terrified of how life
is so unrelenting. It just
******* continues. You are gone.
You are gone but the world moves on
and I just want to break down
and crumble because these hallways
still play Chicago
and my mom just
keeps on gardening
     Elise keeps on painting.

And I live life
        day to day
              getting my hopes up every time the ******* phone rings.

I wrote poem after poem after poem for you

when all was said and done
you had a stack of my words and carefully thought out phrases to your name

words that did nothing but express
how much I loved being near you

i loved your musky scent and
the way your hands felt wrapped around my neck

I loved that you never turned me down,
like i was a dog forever begging for your attention

i was the puppy

and you were the disaster

we were both engraved in each others' lives,
living as though tomorrow would never exist

and when tomorrow finally showed its ugly head,
we told it to go **** itself

and we would stay in bed all day
then drive to the coffee shop
and smoke cigars while the maple leaves fell to the ground.


I remember how,
I remember your skin

your skin is my fondest memory
i used to live there,
in your wondrous skin


the tips of your fingers
were soft and forgiving

while the skin on your back was
indescribable

i would trace my name onto your hips with my tongue

and i would run my fingers over your flesh

the softness of it would make a person believe in heaven,
although we would tell heaven to go **** itself.

when you got excited

you would press against me
something long and hard
resting against my belly button

because you were so tall.



and there were moments
when we would be in the very thick of it,
me on top of you
moaning into your ear,
not caring that the sheets were ***** or that you had a paper to write

we would plunge into each other
and i would pull out,

mid-gasp

to look into your gorgeous eyes

and lie to you

I have no idea
if you're reading
this and

if you are
I would like to apologize

for causing you pain
which would have
inevitably come

           from
my love for you

which,
           I have tried
to make disappear
             but so far;
                      no luck.

one of the most
beautiful people
I've met in a long
                             time

has dark red scars

up her arms and wrists
gorgeous ******
                              up past

just like mine

I want to tell her
that i understand
and first  
              and foremost
   "you're not alone"

it would be
   absolutely
             fantastic
if
       in five years

I could **** someone else

the pain subsiding
        into
         a dull ache
in the back of my
        throat
                 with a kick

the world is spinning
and I wish I
     could stop *******
             caring about you

I wish i could
stop caring about
the ache in my heart
and the blood
pumping through
            my body

useless until

you come around

I find myself angry
and near tears
because I fear
that I might not
be able to get over you

When the fear gets to
be too much

I drink or
I find someone
                         else

to keep me warm

but that doesn't always work

either my standards
are too high
or my
self-esteem too low

either
             way

I want you
to come back home

So
I guess
I will stop here
to avoid redundancy

when i came back
a few weeks after i broke up with you.

i came back.

we both had to come back home
and we were faced with the reality

that we live in the same building
and we work with the same people


you saw my new nose ring.

I saw your new sweaters.
You were so handsome.

I don't think you will ever really understand
how good you looked.

too good.


you looked too good for me.
you,

           a giant
                            with hands more beautiful than the sea

and the most beautiful smile
       i have ever seen.


you were too good to be true.

or
had i built you up in my head?

what was it that made me end things?


there have been so many mornings where I ask myself that question
and I just can't

remember

annie told me
              that she saw you

the day before you left.

and that she had taken a minute
to
  ask you
         if you missed
                      me.

"so, what did he say?"
i inquired,
my heart beating out of my chest


but she wouldn't tell me.

I can only guess.

and i think yes and no are both equally plausible responses

so i have no idea.
i only know that i miss you

every morning when i wake up

and you're not in that bed with me.

I'm leaving
      and I'm not coming back

To this town
filled with memories of you
(I would say memories of us,
but I don't really feel
like I was a part of them.)
It was always you.

You were the roots
keeping me here

Until I realized, I am
                     not a tree

I am a bird
            with wings

Wings to fly away with.

And you are gone,
       across the country.

That town would never
feel like home
without you.

I would only fill my time
with meaningless conversations
carried on by people
that don't care about me.

So I'm going home
away from our house

Because that town
is in the middle of nowhere

and it was only ever a "somewhere"

                                                  with you

i made love to myself
on the bed where
we used to sleep
next to each other
just last summer

at first,
to get myself off,
i imagined random men and women in my life
pushing against me
pleasing me

Then,
your face
and your body
intruded into my soft and vulnerable mind

and my moans
quickly turned into
very different sounds

and I felt tears in my eyes

I started to sob
my body grew limp
and i exhaled, pulling out of myself

turning onto my side, pulling the blankets over my body


the makeup from last night running into my eyes

I sobbed

because you are more beautiful
than i

and although months
(which felt like years)
have gone by

I still miss you
                       like we said goodbye
only yesterday


and my fingers
are ugly and sharp
compared to your

gentle slender ******* hands.

I am sitting outside of our home

Hoping, sending messages telepathically
messages that you will never get

that you might meet me here

but those towers were knocked down today

and it was today that I
realized that you
are just as gone as they are.

What once was
                             is now a pile
of rubble and dust
never coming back

but, when i drive up that hill

i can still see them

and when i walk
down that hallway, i still
see you behind that desk
wearing the sweater i gave you.

Happy to see me.




but you're gone
                                  gone gone gone.

the ghost of you is
everywhere.

I can see
your face

hear your voice
feel your skin, your hair

and i miss you.

I try every ******* thing
I can possibly think of

to stop missing you

But I haven't found anything

that quite does the trick.

i met a new friend.
we get along pretty well.

one day, we were walking through ikea

and he called me a train-wreck
and laughed.

he probably thought that he had said it in a way
that was convincingly facetious
(joking.

but there was a note in his voice
that made me realize

he was, in fact, serious.

and i still don't know him well enough
to tell him

that no one has ever found a more accurate word
to describe me

I gotta tell you
it ******* ***** to
be stuck in this
******* pattern
year after year,
relationship after
meaningless relationship

let me tell you
how much i hate
that i have this
ability
to convince myself
that i'm in love,
when really,
i'm just
not lonely
for once.

But i get somewhat attached

to you
              to your skin
to your smile
             to the sound of your laugh

to that magical scent
that makes me feel like home

and let me tell you
(pardon me while i contradict myself,
i am drunk after all)
how it is excruciatingly
painful
that i love you.

and i have no idea
how that ******* happened

because just a few
months ago
i was at a place
in life where if you
told me you didn't want to speak
to me anymore,

i would have been just fine.

But as the circumstances
stand( while i fall down)

My heart
                 is sliding
down a wall,
leaving a trail of
blood.

And i want
so badly
to slide a blade across this pathetic white little wrist

but i can't
because people would freak out.
so instead

i drink as much as i can
to stop feeling things

and i sob quietly
so as not
to disturb
the sleeping people

I swear
the farther you are away from me,
the more i ache.
but this is pointless.

this chase so isn't worth my time
my heart feels full
of water, breathing
is difficult
when i think about
you
because in a month,
you'll be across the country
meeting new people
and even now
i rarely hear from you

and it makes more
sense to just

                             Let go.

I should just let go of you
find other company
instead of waiting by the
phone, crying
and writing poems.

I should let you go now

So it won't hurt as much
when you leave



But, that thought
just makes me
want to cling to you

desperately.

I let some guy **** me today.



I did not know him,
                                nor did I want to.


I simply slid into his bed
       and made myself hard and cold

I wanted, I think,
              to ******* out of my mind

But I only succeeded
                      in splitting myself into
   two parts.

The empty shell of me,

                   and my soul. My feelings,
       my emotions, my thoughts.
                  My strength and goodness

shrunk down to a wet pile in
the pit of my stomach

And it is only now
                          that I will
admit
                    that I am still in love with you.

Maybe that's my problem.
I don't know anymore.

I keep trying to identify what's wrong

                so I can just fix it.

Last week I had low self-esteem.
The week before that I was afraid of being alone
The week before that, I just
                loved you and I was
                scared that you'd leave.

and now you've left
                                     but you were the only
person that knew how to fix me

                                  when I'm broken

i just want some sort of sign from you
that you want me to still love you
in two years.

i will sit here and wait for you to come home to me,
i will.

i will wait two long ******* years.


if you wanted me to.


i swear i would;
if you could only swear that you would forgive me

for the hearts that i will have broken while you were away


and i would kiss you
                                             r
                                                    mind and your
                         heart

for being so understanding


it's funny
my hair has stopped falling out

and it feels thicker

                   i want to shave it all off in the bathroom

(with the same razor i used to drag across this wrist)
and put it in a wooden box, and send it to you.

it would just be yours to keep

(sometimes, when i am feeling insane
i take a box cutter at work
and cut my fingertips, just a little bit.
or i take the blood that naturally flows from between my legs
and smear it on the walls of the shower
and on my legs and arms

i lay down under the stream of water
in the same shower where you once made love to me
i let it cover me
and i cry
i cry out for you)




and then maybe months later, i would buy a plane ticket to see you


and it would make you so angry

(because you told me to leave you alone.
you told me to leave you alone
and then you kissed me
and you told me you loved me.
you just don't want to talk to me anymore.
i'm trying so hard to figure out where your words and your actions match up.)

you would of course just send me home
and the plane might  crash down
and in death i would be happy
that you might finally care about me



i wish i could explain to you,
how much i love you.

and how ****** up i am without you here.

and how strong i am without you.

but how weak i feel

and how i want to scream until you hear my voice, miles and miles away

and i cough up blood

and lose my voice

you hear it
and you get in your car,
and you drive into the sunset
and you see the city skyline

just a few minutes from my house

but don't even bother to call

you sit on the side of the road
staring at the cars driving by

concentrating on this decision
then, turn around and drive the two hours back home

didn't even bother to tell me you were here


and i can't even think about our home
the bed we slept in together

because in that little town
in that little room
you were the only thing that made any ******* sense,

and i am a mess now


and so is this p
o
e
m

there is always a trail of men behind me
wagging their tails like little dogs

panting.

hoping that i will throw them a bone



but it is about ******* time that they realize that i'm allergic to dogs

and that the only one i want curled up in my bed at night

is my lost boy in texas,
with all of his warmth and beauty

escaping myself

because you could never fathom the horrible things that run through my head
when i'm alone


i was thinking about how
you got me to
stop thinking so much
and just feel things for you
instead

I remember every inch of you
and those memories come
back to haunt me now, while i
toss and turn, attempting
any semblance of rest.

but there is no escaping you.
you are so clear, so fresh
in my mind that, when
i close my eyes, i imagine
i can hear you breathing in
this bed next to me.
i feel the warmth of
your skin. i feel your
hands on my waist,
pulling me close while
your full lips press against
mine, my fingers in
the hair at the back
of your neck

I can see every tiny detail
of your face.
the mole near your lip,
the tiny scar on your
forehead, the skin tab
on your eyelid, the little
hairs on your chin and cheeks.

the softness of your skin
how it was perfect.
plush to the touch,
not skinny or hard
but not fat

the way your ***** hair would
have the most perfect tiny
curls, how it felt between
my fingers. Soft, unexpectedly

the hair on your legs made
you manly. your calves
so strong. Anyone could
see that those legs
were going to take you
places.

How- when i would
straddle your stomach and
you would pull your arms
above your head,
                 valleys would form

valleys would form in your
armpits, where your glorious
scent was the one
smell that let me know
i was home.

You were my home.

Valleys would form, craters
would appear in your
collarbone, jutting out in
a way that i couldn't
resist touching.

your *******, tiny
hills. you would always
complain, but
you were so beautiful.

the toenails on your big toes
were broad and flat
hair growing on the
                        top of your foot


if only you were here
      tonight

I would kiss every inch of you

until you truly understood

how much I miss you.
I miss you.
You and only you.

mi Alejito,
                mi amor

i never meant to insinuate
that you never feel anything


in fact,
you feel things just as strongly as i do

and i loved you
for those moments


when you painted the music


when you held me as i cried
over and over again
(not always knowing the reasons for each tear)
when you decided to dance with me.
when you asked me for a kiss
and waved goodbye
for the last time.


and now
i'm faced with people
that want me.
that want to know me
the way you knew me


but i feel as though
i still don't know myself
i still don't know the part of me that you loved so much
i don't know where that girl is.

all i know is that you brought her out of me.

you brought out the best in me.

i just need to figure out how to bring out the best in myself.

because the numbness is starting to return
and i have gone back to filling my time with pointless ****

and spending time with people that don't really care about me.
because,
i don't really think i'm worth caring about.

not yet.

she gave me an empty book
in which to write poetry.

she told me she made it.

she told me she didn't use line paper because
lines only limit us.

without lines on the pages,
my poems would surely flow more freely

in all directions.


i couldn't tell her
that when my world is spinning out of control (which is often)


that lines are the only thing that can give me direction

my bed has become
a nest of nightmares and tears.
What once brought me
peace is now a
dreaded place
I receive no rest.
no relaxation, no rejuvenation

I lay awake, eyes open
staring at the ceiling

whenever they close, I
can only see your face in
full accurate detail.
I know it by heart

my heart aches
our last conversation
runs through my head
on repeat. every word.
the sound of your voice in my mind
makes me cry

I tried to sleep naked
but it only made my
skin long for your
touch. Sometimes

I      swear

        I can feel your
beautiful hands on
                my waist

    until
               I open my eyes
  again
            and reality kicks in


you are gone.
       lost; not wanting to be found.

I woke up sobbing
My dream was too good
to be true
and it seems to have
ripped me apart

you had called me
telling me that you
had changed your mind

             you wanted to be
                    together

and you told me to
come over.

I knew exactly where
        to go

you were at my old
house, where I
grew up

with all the people
I didn't know I missed
all my childhood
friends
                  And it was as if
nothing had changed

And you,

you were asleep on an
air mattress on the
floor when I arrived

when I bent over you
to kiss your lips

I felt 20 years of emptiness
erupting from my heart

I just want to stop feeling empty





but my days feel like
a vast ocean, I
try to swim but
I'm drowning