I like your car
Because we drive fast in it
I like your Heart
I like to make it beat so fast
We laugh-the cigarette
Smoke drifts out windows
Your kiss taste
I’ll always remember
Even on my bed prepared for death
But right now I’m far from
Dead
We kissed and drove and stopped and slept
arms cold and white
Wrapped tightly around me
In some white bed
In some warm hotel
You drew a heart on a foggy window
I smile now at how that window broke
I remember you saying something like
“Go ahead, I don’t need you”
And I said something like
“You don’t know what you need”
I thought so deeply of you-for so long
But
We both looked and knew
Forever is a long time to drive

..



.

Today I walked in from work
Making my way throught the strange and quiet house.
I couldn't understand when I walked into my room and saw you snuggled in my blanket
My bed has never looked so warm and so inviting
Your red hair spilling all over the pillows
Cascading into the shadow
I laid down fully dressed
Laying there in a dream
You are evreything that I will ever need
My best friend
pocketwatch
rain cloud
kissing booth

So strange to see your lips agian
Pursed and perfect
Red stained Beautiful

All so warm and simple
Not like the others
Her whole life is sweet and gentle

You can watch the parts of my life you touch
Turn away from the stoney lonesome
Your vines, your ivy, sweet smelling flowers
Wearing angel soft petals bloom in the pale moon

So what is left for me?
What more do I need?
I have my "Shelter from the Storm"

So
a long tired kiss is in order
on sleeping lips
soft and unkowing

Curling up in the warmth next to her
The flower wrapping her warm petals about me
I need nothing else in this world
As I begin to drift off into sleep so complete
A rustling on the bed beside me
Warm lips touch my ear
I hear her breathe "thank you"
and like that she left me there

I wake up alone
On this old couch
Sunlight creeping in through the broken blinds
In this trash apartment
In this nowhere town
Sober

I want to wake up to
a different Christmas
a different family
a different me.
Gifts that aren't hinting
at the fact that I'm
a freak
like dresses because they hate
how I want to be a boy
makeup and stupid heels
gift card to a salon
teen romance novels.
This is my family's
Passive Aggressive Day.
Trash Day.
Return-to-Sender.

There is a rage that fills me so quickly that I think I might just choke. My fists clench tightly, involuntarily. I want to slam my clenched fist right into your face. But I don't. I know it would just cause more strife. But the urge to hurt you is almost overpowering. I can feel the anger and the hurt sitting in my chest, right on top of my diaphragm. It keeps me from breathing properly. I know I should let go of it, **** it. But in a way it feels so fulfilling to cling to this emotion. I feel like I am on the brink of doing something stupid, of losing control, of saying what I think.
          Were you ever scared to jump into the pool as a child? Did you stand on the edge and prepare yourself again and again? Did you FEEL yourself about to jump, every muscle tense, even holding your breath, but the part of your mind you can't oppose said no? That's what this feels like. I am prepared to let all hell break loose. To give you a piece of my mind. Every other cliche you can think of. Why the hell do you make me so crazy?
           And when you are done with your anger you discard it. It disappears as if it never was. That makes me crazier than your anger, sarcasm, condescension, idiocy, inability to comprehend. I am not done being angry yet, **** it! Let me be angry. Don't take this from me too.

You were so nice.
And I was in love.

We would hold hands and
forget the world.
Until you got drunk
and hit me

We could laugh for hours at
a single sentence.
Go on great dates.
Then you wouldn't let
me leave

My friends and family
all said we were perfect for
each other.
I thought so too.

*Until the night I said no
and you didn't listen.

All day, every day I'm terrified of you.
Again and again your fist makes contact with my skin.

Broken spirit, heart, will, pride.
Be happy because you broke me.

Can't you just smell the pride seeping off of you
    as you beat me up again.
Can anybody see me? Help me?

Dead.
    I'm dead.
****.

Everyone looks the other way. Nothing wrong happens in their worlds.
Even the teachers.

Fear seeps into my bones when I see you in the halls.
'*******!' I scream in my head, but can never get the words
   out my mouth.
"***" you whisper, in a way that cuts deeper than any scream.

Go away. Please.
Get bored of me.

How can someone be this awful?
Help me.

It was stupid of me to fight back, because
I can't breath after you kick me in the stomach.

Just make my life a living hell, please
   be my guest.
Justice is ****.

Keep an eye on me, in case I start to get
   happy again. That could be a problem.
Key word: Target.

Love is foreign now.
Lonely is not.

My days are black. Are you happy now?
Maybe your life is ****, so you have to make
   my life the same.

Never has someone hated me so much
   just for being alive.
Nice welcome to high school.

"Oh who would ever give a **** about you?"
Obviously, no one.

Please... Please...
People, why can't you see me?!

"Queen *****!" I call you.
"Queen of the rats" you call me.

Running, running, running again.
Running in vain for you will only get me later.

Sometimes I can avoid you, or manage to get away with
    only a shove or an insult.
Stay and beat me if you want, if it makes you feel better
   because I am giving up for now.

"Tomorrow, today won't seem so long" I tell myself.
Tell me help is coming.

Underdogs always win in the end right?
Under your power is not where I thought I would be.

Vacant are my eyes, for you have driven my soul away.
Vandalized locker, I know it was you.

When will I be safe?
What did I ever do to you?

Xanax would be perfect to OD on.

You're a monster… But
you have all the power.

Zero Bullying Tolerance, that's
   *******.

I walk through the snow
barefoot
no coat
in the middle of the night.
I have to find you..
You can't be gone.
I won't believe it.

I have to keep searching,
keep looking.
It's not your funeral that's
on Monday.
They're wrong.

Keep. Walking.
Do not faint.
That wasn't your blood
on my hands.

*WHERE ARE YOU?!

Yesterday
Everything was normal
I told her I'd see her tomorrow
Sneak out to have an adventure
Until I got the call

Today
I'm reading her suicide note again
Trying to make the moment
I found her
all make sense

Tomorrow**
I will go to her funeral
Have to face her parents
and soak up the image of her face
before it's gone forever.
See her eyes
that were more beautiful than anything
I had ever seen
be closed.

I wish she was here to hold my hand
help me through this.
She was always stronger than me.