Waking up next to you
                    is a reminder of what it
                                         means to live

I grow simply from the scent of your skin.

Waking up next to you
        is as if the Titanic never sank

       and all those people
           just got to where they were going.

Waking up next to you is like
               swimming naked in the ocean

your blue sheets
                  wet from perspiration
and my own milk
                                  the smell like
                                    the barn on my uncle's
                                   24 acre plot of land in Iowa.

            Waking up next to you
is a sunrise
                   with morning dew on my nose

When you look at me

your eyes change.
                                    from a muddy lake blue
to a golden yellow, shining white

          And I know that
              you are the most gentle
                      soul I've ever met
And I'll make you believe in souls
             just so I can describe
to you
                    how it feels when yours touches mine.

I can see your soul in those eyes
         It leaks out
                     when I talk about the
times I was hurt
            darling.
I have been hurt
                              and your eyes
turn grey like couds
                  when you listen to me
         speak of
                         the past tortures
                  the rapes the cuts
                          the scars the pills
                                  the pills

Your eyes never stay grey.

                     Because after grey comes green.

           Brilliant glowing like a
                     grass-covered hill where I used to
            point out shapes in clouds.
                                                         ­                                           (when I was 8 years old and trusting the
                                                             ­                                        world to keep me grounded; but gravity
                                                         ­                                            never did its job.)
when your eyes are
                        Green,              
                ­                           green grabs me
                   by the waist
                                             pulls me close
                     breathes me in
                                                   and says

"I will not let go
          
                    until you want me to"

But darling
                       your eyes lock tight

around me
              
                           and I like it

here.

The first official day of autumn

             like we needed some excuse
       to refresh

everything is so new
                   and at the same time
old- like my grandmother

familiar until she
had her stroke
                           and became someone
                                new and unknown.

like the trees when
         the leaves die

                        and fall.

we never needed
            an excuse to refresh

we fell apart,

          sick of summer
       and the sounds of construction

we longed for a change

         and we got rid of
         each other

so that eventually,

                   the leaves would grow back

we would always default
to
                  refresh

watch each others
    leaves grow back
       and change
    and fall again

                    and
    
                           grow back

but
         how do

you watch someone

                   be happy without you?



how could i watch

      your gorgeous leaves

crawl up the wall
                of a new house

with a new person living inside of it


when i was the one



                  to make your leaves turn brown and die


when i was the one
      
                           to bring winter's frost to your forest green

I sit in a stranger's kitchen
in the town
we once called home
a bottle in one hand
and a pen in the
                        other.

the things i have done
                                      today
would have made you
                       so happy.

I smoked a cigar
and drank a hot caffeinated beverage
outside of our favorite coffee shop
at an old deteriorating wood table and some plastic chairs
while breathing in
the early autumn air.

I missed you
on the car ride from the interstate into town;
we passed the
park where we saw the
lights
               and you told the
man in the costume that
you wanted me to love
                                        you.

Do you remember when we
picked up trash?
        I do.
   You wore that sweater I
                                     like,
but you were still cold

I wanted to keep you
          warm

Today
I went to that store
you love, the one
you would insist we
always go into.
They moved down
the street to a
bigger location.
They have more games,
more cards.

I asked the owners
if they had seen you
lately. They remembered
                                     you

Because you were so tall
              and friendly:
two of my favorite things
about you.

I bought a card
    with a dragon on it,
the one I always thought
was so pretty.
I asked for it by name.
I remembered the name
                           after all this time.

Tomorrow I will see a parade
and spend time
with our friends.
   They miss you,

but not as much as I do.

I am so glad I
left this place

because it only makes    
        me sad and
                regretful.

I wish I had
           not given up

because your soul is
  more beautiful
             and full of truth
        and connection

          it is a soul I
             have been looking
                for in other
                          people.

You do not exist
     in other people.


You exist

in a town I've never seen

with people I've never met


and emotions I've
                       never felt.


but, to summarize

I had a perfect day
albeit I was *missing one thing

I keep searching for you
      Or a replacement

But there is no one
                      around
to make my heart beat
                             anymore

And so I am lifeless

                     and jealous
of your life in
                            
Texas

Just give me the
                 word, baby

We can press our lips
        together again

like that last time
                on the bench

Where you told me you
                     loved me.


So tell me

                    where the ****
                              is your love now?

I'm drowning
                            and
you are nowhere to
                   be found

she awakens to the hum
of her phone vibrating
as usual
        she creeps out of
the room to take
the call,
                so careful
not to wake me.
  
         But I am awake,
a ringing in my ears
                and you are
   on my mind.

In the other room,
I hear the smile in
her voice, and I know
it's her boy
her boy that left for Chicago

She is so happy
for those five minutes
of phone conversation

          Her voice
gives her away.
                       She still loves him

After saying goodbye,
she comes back in the
room,      crawls back
into bed.


I ask, "How is he?"

She is so full of
relief
            at hearing his
voice



            and she has no idea


                              how much I would pay
                      for five minutes
                                 of phone conversation
                  
                                                    with you

the geese are leaving minnesota

they are gathering food for their long flight across the country
and i wonder where they will go

i hope, that

they might make it to you
down south
or wherever you are

and maybe you will meet the geese
that i pass on my way to work

the geese that i give a part of my bagel to
in the mornings where the ground is too hot for them to find food


maybe you will give them
some friendly love

like i always try to


maybe you will wave hello to them
if you see them

when they migrate to where you are
the way i wish i could have
six months ago