the rain

makes me want to sit silently

and listen
to all of the everything that the earth has given me

and i can't really comprehend it
which is why,
probably
the rain makes me so sad

remember when this oversized sweater was something to comfort me
and when i was near it, all my tears would be absorbed by the softness
and by the skin of the sweet that wore it

and that skin
to think of it
is no longer a comfort

it is a wasteland
a place i used to get lost

and now that i am out of the desert
i have tasted water
and freedom

and i don't believe that i will ever go back into that desert

although sometimes i miss the way
the sand felt between my toes

i haven't written in a while because all of my poems started to sound the same

they start off with " I miss you"
and usually end that way, too.

but my birthday was yesterday

and I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be

but I am really starting to understand things better
and my world has gotten more clear.

and you

only ever added to my happiness


but
I wish we had danced more,
when we had the time.

You
were my favorite person to dance with.


But I hope
that when you fall in love with someone new,

that they dance with you
and that they love you

the way you loved me.

i always wake up with a sinking feeling in my stomach

but this morning, it felt much worse than usual.

everyone is going back,
to where we used to be in love.

and that place is empty without you

and as much as i tell our friends that i will come visit

i dread going back there.
because it only ever reminds me of you

i walk down streets and i keep hoping i will see your face


but you're gone

******* gone



and i can't figure out how to accept that

wipe the lipstick off with the back of my hand
wipe the mascara black drenched tears from my cheeks

I get scared
           driving in my car
because I still want to run red lights
and I am terrified of how life
is so unrelenting. It just
******* continues. You are gone.
You are gone but the world moves on
and I just want to break down
and crumble because these hallways
still play Chicago
and my mom just
keeps on gardening
     Elise keeps on painting.

And I live life
        day to day
              getting my hopes up every time the ******* phone rings.

I wrote poem after poem after poem for you

when all was said and done
you had a stack of my words and carefully thought out phrases to your name

words that did nothing but express
how much I loved being near you

i loved your musky scent and
the way your hands felt wrapped around my neck

I loved that you never turned me down,
like i was a dog forever begging for your attention

i was the puppy

and you were the disaster

we were both engraved in each others' lives,
living as though tomorrow would never exist

and when tomorrow finally showed its ugly head,
we told it to go **** itself

and we would stay in bed all day
then drive to the coffee shop
and smoke cigars while the maple leaves fell to the ground.


I remember how,
I remember your skin

your skin is my fondest memory
i used to live there,
in your wondrous skin


the tips of your fingers
were soft and forgiving

while the skin on your back was
indescribable

i would trace my name onto your hips with my tongue

and i would run my fingers over your flesh

the softness of it would make a person believe in heaven,
although we would tell heaven to go **** itself.

when you got excited

you would press against me
something long and hard
resting against my belly button

because you were so tall.



and there were moments
when we would be in the very thick of it,
me on top of you
moaning into your ear,
not caring that the sheets were ***** or that you had a paper to write

we would plunge into each other
and i would pull out,

mid-gasp

to look into your gorgeous eyes

and lie to you