loneliness
grips me by the heart
and squeezes me into a pulpy mass
of tissue and blood

dripping

because you're miles and miles away from here

and i am scared
of spending time with other people
in case you finally decide to call

so i stay in,
watching the rain make the grass greener
sipping some coffee
watching some tv
writing some poetry

watching that pulpy mass grow mold
                                    it is in the corner of my house,
                              i'm trying not to look at it.

i'm trying to ignore the loneliness


but i'm hurting.
my throat is choked
and i haven't worn make-up in days (what's the point
it just comes off when i cry)

but you,
you have the sweetness
and the kindness
when you wrap yourself around me,
i feel like home

but
you're
miles

and miles

away.

my mind


is ten different shades of ****** up


confusion and hurt run through my veins and take over my life


i'm not keeping track of time anymore.
I have no idea when this started or if I have the will to end it


i want to be near you
but my heart is going back to being numb

and i'm going back to being okay with it.


but i've got two weeks
to be weak


and then i can start to get over you
and i can begin again

i can begin my journey to strength
but i know
i know what that will look like

it looks like an act
i put on a show
and pretend that i'm happy
that i'm ******* **great
but i have no idea how to be happy



no idea at all




i just know how to fix these temporary problems by getting drunk off my ***
calling you

and then throwing up.

and then waking up the next morning next to you
naked

wondering what the **** happened and
why i did that

right when i thought i was strong again


i gotta be stronger

and i don't know where to start
because my soul
is missing a lot of its pieces
and it's too hard to go chasing after them

so i'll just let them go
and pretend that i'm okay


because if i pretend long enough,
maybe i'll start to believe it

Let me explain something to you.

When you look at me
with your soft ocean blue eyes,
and you look into my soul
and you can see all the hurt
and all the lies
that i have been telling myself to get me by

I want to cry. I want you to hold me.

No one else.

And when I give in to that need,
and the hot tears fall into my lap,
I just can't help it.

They just come
when you're near me.

And I don't understand it
i don't understand myself
and i don't understand how i feel about you.

Because when I let those tears fall,

to me, they feel like weakness
that somehow managed to leak out of my eyes
because I'm keeping too many secrets

and the biggest one
is that

I love you
and I want to keep you in my life.

But I don't want to sound selfish

So I make do, never taking the time
to explain to you
that all I wanna do

is let you hold me.

Because this weakness- you turn it into strength.

And, as ****** up as my past is,

you took the time

                                 to learn how to love me.

But I still
can't stand

for you
to see me cry.

Every gorgeous living day
I feel alive
          When I wake up.
I look around when I walk
I don't stare at my shoes.
There are pigeons that coo
           from the roof of the
library,        purring happily
                            from the height
I look up at them with
                       a smile on my face
fully knowing
         knowing fully
                           that people
are "staring" at me
         because I'm smiling
into the sky with my
head thrown back.

And I pass lovely people
who are fully unaware

that they are unique.
that they are truly worth
     something.

But other days, I pass 20
different people
        and I feel as though
I have just passed

             the same person
                      20 times.

This town is a bubble.
         I hate that I'm
the only ******* person
that loves those pigeons.

I need someone
         anyone

to show me that they're alive

:that they're not too
           BUSY

to appreciate the fact that
the air they're breathing
        is clear like a wine class
                      and that the sky is a gorgeous
metallic shiny brand new blue

I need someone who
         will

prove it to me.

                  Prove to me that they deserve to
walk around
on this ground.

While they
don't write poetry
don't feel much
don't contribute

                               because they're
                                    too BUSY.

**** BUSY people.

I want to meet people

that appreciate that
they're alive.
I want to meet people

        that scream
                 laugh
                           cry
                      love

People who pick up trash on the street

People who spend time reading books to kids

People who sew their own clothes

People who clap at the end of a great movie and stay until all the credits have rolled

People who will look up
                   when they hear
                           the library pigeons.

I wish I could travel back in time
   to meet my 13 year old self
and tell that confused
                         gorgeous child
to run away.

Run away, pretty girl
run away from the boys that
are trying to use your body

Run away from that razor
run away from that bottle of pills
and do your best, use all of your will
to stop that soul from aching
without needing to bleed.

You don't have to
fix anyone.
You just have to survive.

Run away from that screaming
                  in your head.
Drown it out with poetry
                             and music
until you either
lose your hearing
or
you lose yourself
in sweet soul feeding spreading goodness

Run away from your father
                     until he learns how
                        to love you.


Run away from those girls
until you are strong enough
to realize that they're
so wrong about you.

Run away, gorgeous girl
Run away from all the
people that have hurt you

Run away from all the people that want you to fix them
Just take a deep breath and realize that you can't fix anyone but yourself

Run away from the guy who can't commit to you
Run away from that ****** up kid that wants to put his fingers inside you
Run away from that girl that calls you fat

Run away from your own ****** feelings

You're just not old enough to deal with them yet
No one should have to deal with that

Not you, you gorgeous scared little thirteen year old.

I think maybe,
      
                           just maybe
if I could tell her that

that maybe I wouldn't
                      feel so ****** up
                                  today.

because no 13 year old knows
            how to deal
                      with the things I
                                faced when I
          was 13 years old.

and no 20 year old woman knows how to fix the scars from a ****** up past, one
that has damaged this skin, damaged that ability to trust, damaged damaged damaged ****** up that ability to let somebody in, damaged this heart so much that it's forgotten how to feel, turned off those feelings because they never lead to good things, damaged the part of me that knew how to be happy. damaged the part of me that had hope. damaged and ****** it all up beyond repair.

Because I tried for years to
keep my head above water
only to realize
             that I drowned a
long time ago
                
and I think
it might be too late

to pull myself out

of this black lake
of self infliction
and pain addiction
and
give myself

a chance at living.

this feels so new york
listening to smooth jazz
        drinking wine and coffee
in your room with the
                     hard floors
and the
                 soft bed

and hearing you say words like
                   fantastic
                                                and
                  i'm not tired

we stay up until 2 am,
me in a cocktail dress and heels,
you in a tux

and honey, we're running
          on central time.

in New York, it's only midnight.

remember when we were teenagers

and you smoked *** and
i cut myself


and your mom hated me
because i'm an atheist

and how in love we were
and how much you made my heart beat

and how we used to make love
at any given second that we could have alone

because our bodies felt like they were meant to fit together


and then i moved away

and i broke up with you
because
you didn't have this list of things i thought i deserved
like a job
a loving family
a good college education
good spelling
a desperate searching want to get out of this ******* place and be something better than you were.


i was selfish
to let you go

but

god, i loved you.
if i have ever been so sure of something in my life,

it was that i loved you.