I wish I could travel back in time
   to meet my 13 year old self
and tell that confused
                         gorgeous child
to run away.

Run away, pretty girl
run away from the boys that
are trying to use your body

Run away from that razor
run away from that bottle of pills
and do your best, use all of your will
to stop that soul from aching
without needing to bleed.

You don't have to
fix anyone.
You just have to survive.

Run away from that screaming
                  in your head.
Drown it out with poetry
                             and music
until you either
lose your hearing
or
you lose yourself
in sweet soul feeding spreading goodness

Run away from your father
                     until he learns how
                        to love you.


Run away from those girls
until you are strong enough
to realize that they're
so wrong about you.

Run away, gorgeous girl
Run away from all the
people that have hurt you

Run away from all the people that want you to fix them
Just take a deep breath and realize that you can't fix anyone but yourself

Run away from the guy who can't commit to you
Run away from that ****** up kid that wants to put his fingers inside you
Run away from that girl that calls you fat

Run away from your own ****** feelings

You're just not old enough to deal with them yet
No one should have to deal with that

Not you, you gorgeous scared little thirteen year old.

I think maybe,
      
                           just maybe
if I could tell her that

that maybe I wouldn't
                      feel so ****** up
                                  today.

because no 13 year old knows
            how to deal
                      with the things I
                                faced when I
          was 13 years old.

and no 20 year old woman knows how to fix the scars from a ****** up past, one
that has damaged this skin, damaged that ability to trust, damaged damaged damaged ****** up that ability to let somebody in, damaged this heart so much that it's forgotten how to feel, turned off those feelings because they never lead to good things, damaged the part of me that knew how to be happy. damaged the part of me that had hope. damaged and ****** it all up beyond repair.

Because I tried for years to
keep my head above water
only to realize
             that I drowned a
long time ago
                
and I think
it might be too late

to pull myself out

of this black lake
of self infliction
and pain addiction
and
give myself

a chance at living.