let's just call this a suicide note

                  because that's
           what it should be.

If I was still who I
           was
                          a month ago

then there would be
     slits up this wrist
and an empty bottle in
       this fist

But instead I can
appreciate
                    that I don't
have more scars.

You can't just pluck
the pieces of me
                       out of
                                   your life
like a game of operation

You can't just **** the poison out
because i am not a snake
and I didn't bite you.

Maybe this is like chemo.
             It's painful
                                and difficult

but it makes things better

and eventually your
                         hair grows back

and you'll be (more or less)

just how you were

                         before

I can't read them anymore.

I can' t read my own poems
                     because they

make me

                 want to hurt myself

I know that you've read them.

And they've caused you pain.
       So lately,
                          I've gone
back
               to where I was

To who I was

a panicky guilty person

with a soul that aches to
         bleed
                       because I never learned
how to just fix things.


I only ever knew

how to **** myself
         over to even the
score.

At this point
                I feel as though

I've ****** up your whole life.

        I've taken all the pleasure
out of every moment.

      I want to run blades

      across my wrists.

            The feeling is so strong

I want to do it, for once
not to make myself feel

        but to make you
better.

                     why
why                                 why


why    why why do i want

to hurt myself.


Why am I so ****** up.


why.


                    why do i always hurt
                               everyone around me


               why     why    why

                              does my heart scream

When you achieve perfection
                      in your own
sense of self

           you will never again
   need      to
                         seek it out


in other people.

I loved what we had
      I loved being near you

the warmth gone from your feet
       but radiating from your chest

into my cheek, pressed
                              into you


love                 love              love
                  affection
              ­                   so readily available

I never needed to seek it out
      I was never lacking it


we used to laugh

                but it's been replaced
with silence and tears

I wish I could say something
to you. I wish you would
say something back.

I'm unsure,
                  shaky
I step onto this bridge
                         shivering, uncomfortable

Leaving what I always knew
                        trekking to a new
        place,
                        uncharted territory


this bridge seemed short when
                           I first set foot on it


Now that my vision is no longer
                                      blurry

i can see that it goes on
             for
                          miles

            I can't turn back.

your voice is a low rumble
        that pushes over waves
of everything else

Your laugh sticks out

                    it calms me
                  
                                       because it means
                                                    you're near.




shut up shut up shut up