I'm so worried that I'll
never find anyone
that is as good to me
as you    were.
I'm worried that all of
my future relationships will
all be for the wrong reasons.

I'm worried that I made
up all these things
that were wrong with
our relationship.

I'm worried that you were
perfect for me
           and I ****** everything up

Like I always do

                         with everything.

two days ago

      I was looking at old pictures
on my camera

             and I found one of Us
you, puckered up ready to kiss

and me, smiling and happy.

I pressed delete


"This photo cannot be deleted."

My camera doesn't want to
     get rid of you.

and I'm not sure I
want to either.

If I could have one
wish and make it
   come true,

I'd make myself be
in love with you.

it would be so easy.
I wouldn't have to lie to
     you.
              I could hold you
and give you comfort

I wouldn't miss your
body all the time.

But I don't have any wishes.

I only know how to work hard


at being strong,

                           and work on
learning and loving myself.

it has become
incredibly important

that I figure out
who I am.

and I guess, I can
only start with who
I'm not.

       I'm not going
to be someone that
uses people.
    which means I can
never go back to you.
as much as I want
to.
        because it's easy.

do you ever
think that

maybe we were just too different

to be meant for each other?


i believe in souls.
you are stuck in the mud of being clearheaded and logical

i write poetry
you get frustrated trying to get words to rhyme

i try to fill up this hole in my heart
you never had a hole to begin with

i have scars on my wrist
you tried to fix it because it felt wrong

i have so much hurt in my heart
and you



...
and you

and

well
i guess you do too.

i can't believe i didn't see what i had done to you. this
is more

this is more than just your average heartbreak.


i ****** you over,
my darling.

when did this happen...
?

                        when i wasn't looking?



i turned away from you,
focusing on my own life

           trying so hard to fix what we both know has always been broken


                                         neglecting
you\


in the process



                          oh honey

oh,
puppy.


you are so strong
and you will hold on

you will make it out of this


because i made it out of my whole life.

i somehow survived.

i slit my wrist for the first time
when i was 12

still just a kid.

i smoked *** for the first time
when i was 13.

still just a confused little kid.

i let someone put their **** in me for the first time
when i was 13

still just a ****** up confused little kid

tried to **** myself for the first time
when i was 13

still just a ****** up confused angry little kid


if i could survive that

you will survive
this.

your strength

it emanates from your gorgeous hands.
and pulses through your veins.

your eyes
were big blue water pools

last night.


i was so happy-
                         ****** up-
                                      weak-
                         strong -
                                confused-
                                        empty-
                                                         cold-
                                                                            shaking-
                                                                                                       wanting

wanting to kiss you
happy to fix you

****** up in my own head
weak alone in my bed

strong here without you
confused about what to do

empty
because you're not here

cold
because you're not here.

shaking from this panic attack
wanting
to put that gun in my mouth

and pull the trigger





bang.