listen up, *******.

The last time I saw you,
a year ago,
I was weak.

The sight of you
made me sick to my stomach.

Terrified of who you made me,
into some pathetic girl
that needed someone

that needed to

be loved by someone
anyone.

Terrified that I would become who you wanted me to be:

The girl that would rather let someone tear her soul apart
than be alone




But I am not that girl.

**** no,

I'm not.

Things have changed since you saw me last, *******.

I am too gorgeous
and too strong
too independent
too energized
too spiritual
too funny
*too loved

to let you mess with my head
or my heart
again.

naked after a shower


i sit, my knee
pulled my chest


my chin resting there

then, my lips kiss the little mountain peak i have created

brushing against
my soft skin

i reach up, feel the back of my neck

fragile in my fingertips

                      with my other hand
                 i touch the dark red curls

in between my warm legs, covered in soft blonde hair


i am so in love with my body

and my own yogurt
                                scent

I'm coming down from my high
I spent all day getting
                         drunk off of
my own loneliness

            so I sit here

sobering up   ,
                               eyes blurred
                                             vision

people pass me
            
                     I pull up my
socks
               straighten my skirt

and avert my gaze

careful not to make eye contact

lest someone see

                       how ****** up
         gorgeous I am.

I read that art is egotistical.

and it is.
        you are saying, "hey. look at
me. I'm actually *******

                 GOOD
                                at something."

and knowing that, it's enough
    to get me through hard
                     ****.

**** writing in a journal.
   my poetry is good.

                      so here you go.

                   enjoy it while it
                                       lasts.

this one is for all of you

One day I watched my sister cry
cry big blue tears from
her big green eyes

and I wanted to take
care of her

the way i could never
      take care of myself

because this black smoke
fills my lungs until
I can't stand up

and i live my life
through the girls that
wear 4 inch band-aids
on their wrists.

I miss it

      and I can't escape
it.

I want to save you
I wanna shake you

I wanna grab your ****** arm
show you what you
did to yourself

              --what you did
                   to me.

*look at what you're doing to me

This is a feeling that
resonates within me

and makes me quiet.
I feel empty
and wanting.

so empty, yet so full
of wanting more.

I know how my life
looks, I know how
I want it to look

and I want you in it.

Maybe I'm just *******
scared of transition

Maybe I've realized
that i'm terrified of
being alone.

So I use people

like teddy bears. I
hold them close,
sleep with them every
night
         sigh into their
soft       fur

               and kiss their paws

But eventually, I throw my bear
                                           to the
garbage.

And I try to sleep
without it, but
the nights are cold
and scary
So I ask Teddy
to come back.
But Teddy's not the
same.

                 Teddy doesn't soothe.


So I get a new bear

never happy


It's this feeling

that resonates in me

that I'll always be here,

with or without a

******* teddy bear

and I should

teach    myself to

feel good,

even when I sleep
                     alone.



                   Is that it?
                          Am I just
                           scared of
                        alone-ness?

scared of the night?


But I feel it in my skin,
in the follicles of my hair,
and behind my teary
           wet eyes

That

          Oneday

I will walk down the
street at night.

Daring someone to
cross my path.

Wearing high heel shoes,


just waiting for someone

                            to fall in love
with my glowing smile

and my radiant hair,

just so I can say,

    "no thank you."