i had to shove my fat cat into a tiny kennel that was too small for her fat ***.
we took her to the vet.
she ****** in the kennel.
it wasn't her fault.

the visit cost 165 dollars, out of pocket.
so basically, we paid them to clean the **** out of the kennel.
and to clean the ******* of her tail.
and to tell us that she's fat.
(i already knew this.)


when we got home, i opened the door of the tiny kennel.
she stalked out,
looked around as if she didn't know where she was.
she squished her fat ***
BACK into the kennel
and peed.
and stood in there.

just looking at me.
this scares me,
does she need to go back to the vet?

your voice was not shaking
i only heard understanding.

under the phone crackling
i heard a train going somewhere far away.

i want to turn myself inside out
so you can see how my heart is covered in blood

but i can trust you
not to try to fix it.
but just to understand.

he seems so much bigger
than he used to
but i know he hasn't grown.
he'll never grow up

but he'll always be my mountain
tall and bigger than the sky
too large to handle
i'm just a little girl, after all.

he's crumbling, crushing me

i need to escape

i'm trapped under the rubble
of what failed.

they know passion
they take it too far
faces suspended high,
like skeletal art.

they are passion.
not high risk gossip.

black
navy blue with white laces
scuffed
ripped
            i have so many pairs of shoes
they have seen my pain
sipped my sweat
protecting my sweet feet
my hairy toes with thick toenails

those shoes
          little boats
i sail in them
                 letting them take me where
they think
     i should go.




why are they always right?

And Sometimes I
can't hear voices

but there's this sound--
one hundred people
inhaling smoke simultaneously
today is different than yesterday
      because i'm heavy
my stomach full
and swinging from left to right side
as if i'm with child
but my eyes, all the while
are watering,
they produce silky sweet wetness
a familiarity to me
the gossamer sheets stained scarlet
i wonder when that happened
and how i knew to wake up.

If you said you loved every single
freckle on my knees
I could tell you that I love
every hair on your chin
because that's true.

but i don't know if i love the hair on your
toes

            it's really odd.

I want so badly to fall for you


but I am so done with

love.

            
             i can't stand it.
i can't stand myself.

if you said you loved every
single freckle on my knees

     i wouldn't believe you.