our voices
blend like Robert's and Alison's
even when we're not singing
even when you are making
little grunts and i am
making breathy
             moan love
                        moans

and those sounds make me
want to cry just like
Robert and Alison
make me cry

     but they are always
                     happy tears

my body is covered
in foam

i run into walls headfirst
and feel nothing

i inject hate into my own blood with rusty needles
and feel nothing

i walk on hot coals to feel something
other than emptiness
i feel nothing

i am just an empty shell filled with only your love
it's the only thing that keeps me alive
and i don't even want it.


i make these mistakes that i can never take back
but it's okay
because i feel nothing

the best sound in my entire world
is heavy breathing
unsynchronized
and the soft swishes of fingertips brushing over back-skin
and little gasps

of pure happiness

and i don't have to wonder anymore
if i am making music

or even if we're making love
because i am lying on beautiful cream colored clouds
in the back of your parents' van
and i don't think it really matters.

warm, indented pillow
found a few of your hairs
your head used to be  
right
here
a few hours ago,
you were right
                   here
curled up inside of me
and I didn’t know how
to feel about it
happy?
Differently pleasant
redundant movement
but I rejoiced
and I miss how you  feel

soft in some places
hard in others
the inbetween places
covered in me


       glorious
I wanted to      touch
you all over but
I don’t know you
that well


yet.

and now that you’re gone
I find myself
so very much

alone


and I am hating you
with
deep
rooted
hate
I want to love
you
but how do I do that?

Tu me ves como una mujer muy fuerte (you see me as a strong woman
Estoy feliz y fuerte y feminista (i am happy, strong and feministic
Mi ****** es mi major amiga (my ****** is my best friend
Juntos somos activistas (together we are activists

Mi pelo esta corto y tengo confianza (my hair is short and i have confidence
Te aparecio como una esposa, hija, hermana, amiga. (i appear to you as a wife, a daughter, sister, friend
No me pinto. (i don't wear makeup
Mi cuerpo es bonito y no me interesa que otras piensan. (my body is beautiful and i don't care what others think

No necesito hombres en mi vida. (i don't need men in my life
No se amo mi novio (i don't love my boyfriend
Ni mi padre(nor my father
Me abandono.(he abandoned me

quiero a mi mama (i want my mother
Mi hermana(my sister
Mis amigas (my friends
Y mi vida. (and my life

Pero, en la noche (but, at night
Cuando estoy solo (when i am alone
Mi espejo transforma en un monstruo. (my mirror turns into a monster
Mi pelo es largo asi que puedo esconderme detras. (my hair is long so that i can hide behind it

Pienso que no puedo estar solo (i don't think i can be alone
Estoy triste sobre mi padre, (i am sad about my father.
Me abandono. (he abandoned me
Me odio. (i hate myself

Mi cuerpo es mi enemigo. (my body is my enemy
Solo quiero dormir y comer (i just want to eat and sleep
Mi vida significa nada (my life means nothing
Mi cara es diferente (my face is different

Cada dia (*every day

this morning I was thinking about your skin

and getting lost in it,
unbounded-- had never felt like a better plan for the rest of my day

but you’re so far from me
heart and soul and mind

your spirit from mine

hearing my voice feels like damp mountains in a sunny valley of ground and sweat


and don’t you dare break my heart
I’ll light myself on fire