I wake to a blue sky and sunshine
Feeling not tired for once, but fine!
Clean my house, playing r+b and soul
Having fun, grab the mop on a role!
Dancing around here and there swinging along
Not lonely being alone singing whatever song
Finding a happy place, enjoying this moment, a little spent
Fresh and neat and enjoying a quiet time in my home, content!

I remember you from the past, but I had put it out of the way, far behind!
Where it belonged I had thought, got on with my life, out of mind!
You didn't know my life and I didn't know You!
Suddenly we met again, the put away important few!
The ones that know what I was like, a naughty,hurt little girl, also lost
mirror images of me, from decades past who will be there whatever the cost!
It's not money I am talking about, but the filling up, the feeling you get
They are there a couple of 1000 miles away, the other 3 sisters, you are set!
I am TRULY grateful I found you again knowing now I am not alone!
I can COUNT on my 'sisters' and they on me whatever the zone!
We have memories that collide and the most are parallel, hard fought some battles not won!
We are strong and can stand alone, but together I know we are a chain unbroken, never done!
I am overwhelmed by the kaleidoscope that plays in my head, what I can remember and what I feel!
I would love to find one more missing link to make us complete, knowing our strength would be pure steel!

I can not seem to stop, I am really trying to hide!!!!
The part of me that still hurts, the sensitive side!!!!!
That place that I need to protect, I really do have to
but when someone comes, with a question for help what do I do???
Can't find the strength to push the one away
Am I weak or strong when yes is what I say!!!!!!!!?
Maybe I am ready to go back to opening everything also my heart?
To the pain, and the pleasure of giving, maybe this is again a new start???

You know how it goes?
People come and go, life flows!
I got a message from the past, is that you???
My smile is huge, surprises like that are so few!!
To see a friend again from a different age
After so many years, we now turned to another page!!!
Real friends like this, from yesteryear change you inside!
the ebb and flow is different, but somehow stays the same tide!!
Friend, thank you for coming back, and
giving me what I need, though it wasn't planned!!!!!!

A little history, I have 2 children of my body and 7 of my heart. Yes of my heart at 37 years old children adopted me and they were mine!!!!!!!! My heart and universe was full.:-) trully all 9 are a gift.
I never knew what I wanted to do in my life had no goal, except my goal found me! I am poor in money, but life gave me riches beyond my dreams, I still feel that but theres a shift!!!
I was phoned at 5.15pm 7.7.2011 that one of them decided to go, take his life, his decision! Your life stops, what the f@ck? You are lost, trully gone!!!! So much pain for him and his family and you!!!!!
How do you tell his brothers and sisters that he is no more, won't get older, won't be there anymore, no laughter no fun, wake up this is a dream, nightmare! Find words, so few!!!!!
It is 2014 and nearly the third year,  all the others are older, doing there lives, growing and I am gratefull that they are there and doing, but there is a missing link still! ****!!!!!!!!
There is trully nothing I can do or say to make everyones hurt go away or mine, I am still so angry and sometimes the pain is too great. My heart hurts so much and I have to give him  a place in my world, make him fit!!!!!
It gets too much and there are no words, they can't or won't do much good! I hate beiing lost! Not allways there!!!
Sometimes it's as If i want to give up, but the rest need me, not always, but I have to be open for them, be fair!!!!!!
I love them all, my words cannot convey what I feel! They give me light!
But the shadow sometimes makes it black and it takes time to find the bright!

I hear my screams of yesterday and whispers of tomorrow
My dreams are all in the shade, hidden
By only sorrow!
Friends don't be silly and ask why or wonder!
I won't answer, I am unstable and I will blunder
Around in this darkness that feels like a maze
I can't see me or my way in this fog, this haze
Losing my ability to hear the whispers, I am in no-mans land!!!!
Got no definition of what I am supposed to do, so I just stand!

Waiting!!!!!!!!!

G'd I am in a deep dark hole
Getting welfare, on the dole!
What do I give or bring?
Empty hands, not a thing!
Heart and head, losing all hope!
How the hell is a body supposed to cope?
When I work I thrive!
Feeding me, feel so alive!
When I don't,  I deflate!
The only thing left is hate!
My self loathing can't be concealed!
Because my uselessness is revealed!