I don't know what's good for me,
I don't know where I belong,
But it is undeniable,
That when I woke up in the early morning hours,
And saw your face, I felt a warm feeling I haven't felt in so long.
I can't account for the whereabouts of my better judgement.
But I can say for certain I want you in my life,
And I will meet you where I can, and share what I can,
Because, even though I am selfish, you accept this,
Others hurt me with my own faults,
You embraced them, and came back into my life,
When I wasn't sure what to blame,
For that lead tarp feeling around my heart.
I need comfort and freedom,
But I absolutely need you
In my life...
I'm just coherent enough,
To put the water on in the morning,
I wish I could take the easy bets,
And flip my cards with no regrets,
But I would see you again,
And it would tear me down...
I've been torn down so long,
I want to build something,
That won't crumble
Like a house of cards,
I have such mixed feelings,
I know I can be happy either way,
I win some cash,
And buy some champagne,
Flash a smile, and the night is accounted for,
I just don't want to be the origin of more love tragedies,
I break everything but even.
Just tell me true,
If we can do this, without jealousy
Sharpening the knives, and angry voices condemning.
I want what you want, and what she wants.
But can any of this be worked out,
I know the odds of every hand,
But this kind of math eludes me.
I need a long walk off a short pier,
A cold beer, and some wind in my hair.
I need what I had, that night long ago,
When you popped in
And shared words,
I'm so sorry I disrespected you,
But you know how I am,
I am a steel roller of emotions.
I pave the way towards smooth love,
Or flattened passion.
Just understand
I need you to stay.

... In my heart I've killed a thousand men. The anger was once so uncontrollable all I could do was lash out at those who cared for me.. The ones who raised me.. The women who loved me.. The friends who looked to me to lead them.. The sadness was once unbearable.. The guilt was once unbearable.. The pain seemed as though it would never go away..


.... he saved me!

I've written verse after verse about us
trying to piece together every memory
scrambling at anything that provokes a reminder
because you were all real
so it must have been all there
while pain revealed the truth

I got so used to
having your arm draped over my shoulder
you were the only one I'd run to
the only one I could run to whenever I broke
you'd hold me tear stained
you were one of the few who stayed
with me through the worst
while pain revealed the truth

we wrote in the sand
the teasing and our way of fighting
and I revisited the docks
we spent the hours and days of time together
where the only you and me talks happened
while pain revealed the truth

I can't swim in a lake
without hearing you
I still hold close
your music your words
I swear I still smell you in my clothes sometimes
or are those only desperate hallucinations
me cheating myself with illusions
while pain reveals the truth

*You're not here anymore

Maybe you never really
Loved me,
Something tells me that if you did,
You would've at least
Had the nerve to call.

Life moves on
But I'm just stuck here with
Everything swirling around me.
You seem fine now and
To the naked eye,
So would I .

But a part of me expected-wanted- you,
To know better,
To know that I was still hurting,
With all of this chaos
All I needed was a constant,
I thought that was you.

Since you've gone away,
I lie in bed
Remembering what it felt like
To have you by my side,
Thinking up rhymes and phrases
Because I can't sleep and
When I do drift awake,
My memories and words have all gone away.

Since you've gone away,
My smile isn't me and
I can no longer write or
Just sit and be happy.
The sun feels like a forbidden place
Because that used to be a spot for
Just you and me.

I want to tell myself I'm okay.
But I can't keep pretending
And living life this way,
I just want you back,
But you're better off without,
                                                  Measly Old Me.

Somehow,
You understand me,
You don't judge me & I can tell you anything & everything,
without it shocking you or changing your opinion,
You still say, "I love you"
And I believe it.
Call me silly.

But I don't understand how someone like you,
so perfect,
so beautiful,
understanding & amazing,
would want a girl like me.

With all of my flaws,
my imperfections,
And my seemingly endless amount of scars.
You still just hold me & kiss away the pain,
in a way that no one else
ever could.

But why me?
Why would you want me?
Measly me
I think that you deserve better,
but you say you want me!
And the heart wants,
what the heart wants...
<3

Who Am I?

Well,
I must be
that ******,
the one
in the black hoodie
***** sweatpants
and an uncombed eye,
that's always wooly
scratchy,
bloodshot
with searching for
my stash spot,
that ******
in your peripherals
that you keep your eye on
because he's
not
in a polo
looking nice,
talking
"well-spoken"
and
not
a threat
to your beautiful
lily-white daughter.


Because I grew up
fixing myself
ramen noodles
and
lifting the welcome mat
after school,
I must also be
that ******
whose father wasn't
in the same house
until he was age 13,
and when I tell you that,
you weren't expecting it
because "you're not a racist."
but
you weren't surprised.


You see,
I must be
that ******,
a stand-in
for all other *******.
I must be that ******
who represents
all *******,
not because you are racist,
but because I'm the only
******
you've met
who doesn't talk like
dis, y'know whatmsayin,
and i talk like
this, do you know what I'm saying?
I must be that ******.

In order for you
to feel okay
being around me
I must be that ******
who goes to college
does the right
thing
the white thing
and gets a job
a nice little house,
a nice black wife
with a nice
new england
clear
dialect,
(what I was
trying to get at
earlier
is that ****** dialects,
by their mere intonation,
denote stupidity,
right?)
and doesn't say a word
when his white friends
make ****** jokes
or talk in a ****** dialect
mocking some Aunt Jemima
they heard at Walmart.

But,
I also must be that ******
who doesn't step out of line
and say
"WHY IS IT
THAT IN EVERY SINGLE
ENGLISH CLASS
WE READ
ONLY
TWO
BLACK AUTHORS
A SEMESTER,
AND THAT'S
ENOUGH,
JUST ENOUGH
TO KEEP THE
****** PARENTS
HAPPY."

And If I happen to be a ******,
I,
by all means,
must not be that ******
who had a white girlfriend,
and
this girlfriend
after dating
a ******,
tried to date a white guy
she liked,
and when she told him
that she had dated,
loved,
and yes,
******
a ******,
he had said back:
"I can't believe
you ****** a ******."

Then again,
I must be that ******
with the big swinging ****
able to destroy
a white girl's ******
with its pulverizing
power.

And,
please,
If I am going to be a ******
don't be the one
who writes a poem
about
having to be
that ******,
because those
kinds of *******
are being
over-sensitive,
those dashiki-wearing-*******
who think
"Da white man dis."
and "Da white man dat."

Because
I am not one of those *******
descended from the first people on earth,
your brother,

not in the ****** way,

but the familial,
species way.

Why am I even writing
this, ****** isn't a main operative
word anymore.

Search and find "******"
and
replace with
"Black Guy." That way it becomes
a joke.

Make the most of the time you've got girl,
for before you know it
Life will have passed you by.
There you will stand,
Having lost even the chance to wave goodbye
To those days you knew as your prime.

Days sweep endlessly by
And the wind sweeps the trees.
The rain drips on down
Until the sky lets up,
Until the clouds bow out
Leaving a bright night sky.

So take your chance, take it now.
Make your stand, make it proud.
Love life, live strong, never hesitate,
The best and worst will be gone
By the time you move again.

Take your chances when they come
And bow out with your sun,
Leaving with a setting that puts all in awe.
Make the most of life girl
Before you've left it wasted and gone.