"i love you,"* you said.
then why did you say, "i don't love you."
"i'll never leave you," you said.
then why did you say, "it's over. goodbye."
you made me fall for you. you made me believe that you fell for me, too.

you stole my heart and then you stomped on it thousands and thousands of times for your own pleasure.  **why?

have you ever thought that maybe i lied when i said i was okay?
have you ever thought that maybe i lied when i said i was getting better?
have you ever thought that maybe i lied when i said i haven't cut for months?
have you ever thought twice about something i said?
*have you ever ******* cared?

i am ******* lost without you,
i am a ******* mess.
i have cried,
i have broken down.
i haven't eaten,
i haven't slept.
i need you so much
and
you don't even realize it.
i miss you so much,
i am so desperate for you.
turn back to me.
*please.

as i lay wake up at 4 in the morning
i start thinking about you, although nothing new there.
and i wonder,
when you lay awake at night,
do you think about me?

i don't really know why i miss you so ******* much.
i don't really know why you are all i ever ******* think about.
i don't really know why it still hurts.
i don't really know why i still love you.
i don't really know why i still care about you.
i don't really know why i still want you.

i should hate you.
you broke my heart,
you ******* tore me apart.

i think i'll always love and think about you,
regardless of how much it hurts.

i hate the way you never talk to me anymore.
i hate the way you see me in the halls, you stare,
but you never speak.
what did i do wrong?
i hate the way you look so ******* happy with her.
did i not make you happy?
what did i do wrong?
i hate seeing he way you look at her with
so much love in your eyes.
i know because you used to look at me like that.
*please, tell me what i did wrong.

i miss you.
i miss the way you always held out your hand when you wanted to interlock your fingers with mine, as if you needed permission.
i miss the way you held me tightly whenever we hugged, like you never wanted to let go.
i miss the way you looked at me with so much love and happiness in your eyes.
i miss the way you smiled so big whenever we spoke.
i miss the way you used all these different big words whenever you told me how much you cared about me. i had to look up the meaning of those words every time.
i miss the way you looked at me when i laughed, you looked so happy.
please, come back.
i miss you.

YOU MAY THINK I'M PRETTY AND I'LL ABSENTMINDEDLY AGREE // I'LL AGREE WITH WHAT YOU SAY BUT NOT WITH WHAT YOU SEE // FOR I AM INDEED PRETTY// PRETTY TIRED // PRETTY WEAK // I AM ALSO PRETTY SAD // PRETTY DULL // PRETTY BLEAK // UPSET / BROKEN / LONELY / I'M PRETTY MUCH ALL THESE THINGS // SO YES, I'M VERY PRETTY BUT NOT IN THE WAY YOU'D THINK.
A.M.D.

i rather have nothing with you than everything with anyone else.
i rather live in a tiny shoe box apartment with you than live in a mansion with anyone else.
i rather go through the sadness of not being able to see you on valentines day than go through the happiness of seeing anyone else.
i rather walk in silence with you than talk about the blandest of things with anyone else.
i could sit in absolute silence with you and still have the time of my life. everything is better when you are around, and sadly you are not, but that's okay. and well, i love you; more than you could ever know.

it's time.
it has been three months.
you have moved on.
you have found someone else.
you even admitted you never loved me.
i should let you go.
it's time.

*but i can't let you go.

i used to write poems about my love for you,
and now,
i write poems about the pain of losing you.
i used to be somewhat happy,
and now,
i cry myself to sleep every ******* night.
i used to spend every second of every day talking to you,
and now,
i spend every second of everyday hoping and wishing you will text me.
**you were the reason for my happiness,
and now,
you are the reason for my sadness.

i thought being with you would be okay.
i thought i was going to be alright, happy even, with you around.
i thought we were going to last forever.
i thought you would never be the one to ruin me.
i thought of you as the one who would never hurt me.
but *******, i was wrong.
i was so ******* wrong.

kinda wanna jump off a bridge,
kinda wanna stick around and
see how my life turns out.
but what i really need
is for someone to
hug me,
and tell me that
every thing is going to be okay.

sometimes,
people give up.
not in just in life,
in their peers,
in their family.
however,
i am one of those people
who give up on
*themselves.

you were different
i let myself feel things that i normally don't
you said things you shouldn't have
and when i ask you about them, you get annoyed
or say you don't want to think about it
"love you mia, i always will," you say
yet you're still with her
"i would go crazy if i couldn't have you as a friend,"
yet you are perfectly fine on the days we don't speak
you said you dreamt about us cuddling and that it felt amazing
you also said that when you dream about her,
they're never as good
and yet i still see you in the halls
holding hands with her,
hugging her,
kissing her
that really ******* hurts.
regardless, i would still give you another chance
and maybe that's my own problem, but it's true
i tend to put walls up
and as hard as i tried to not let them fall,
you broke through them
you.
people don't typically show romantic interest in me
so when you did, it scared me
i have a bad fear of people leaving
but i told myself that you were different
i don't really know why
maybe it's because you make me laugh like no one else does
maybe it's because the way you say my name
or maybe it's because i could see us being together for a long time
maybe because you give me a sense of hope
i don't know what is but you make me feel like i have a real chance of being happy
i wish you would've given us a real chance
and as frustrated as i am,
i'm still hoping that you'll give us a chance one day
you met her parents this past weekend
i wonder how it went
part of me wants to be happy for you
but another part of me hopes that it doesn't work out
so that the likelihood of us being together increases
i know it's wrong,
that if i really care about you i should just want you to be happy
but i can't help but feel jealous
it's like i was just something you could play with
whenever you were bored,
or lonely
but no more
and to think
i thought that i was falling in love with you
you were supposed to be different.

I HAVE DECIDED ON YOU.
YOUR VOICE,
YOUR SMILE,
YOUR EYES,
THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT ME,
E V E R Y T H I N G.
YOU HAVE GOT THE ARMS I WANT TO BE IN.
YOUR SMILE IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER WITHSTAND.
YOUR VOICE IS SOMETHING I COULD LISTEN TO HOURS ON END.
I HAVE DECIDED ON YOU, AND ONLY YOU.

WHY DO I LIKE YOU SO MUCH
WHY ARE YOU ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY
WHY MUST YOUR LAUGH BE SO ****** cUtE
WHY MUST YOUR SMILE LiGHt uP MY LIFE
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
WHY DON'T YOU FEEL THE SAME ABOUT ME.

I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN
MY MOM TOLD ME TO STAY
AWAY FROM FLAMES BECAUSE
THEY CAN BURN YOU EVEN
IF THEY LOOK PRETTY I WAS
FIFTEEN YEARS OLD WHEN I
FIRST SAW YOU AND KNEW
YOU WERE THE ONE FLAME
THAT WAS TOO BEAUTIFUL TO
STAY AWAY FROM NO MATTER
HOW MUCH IT HURTS.

beautiful.
sweet.
kind.
loving.
cute.
handsome.
adorable.
understanding.
re­liable.
these are a few of the many words that
pop into my head when i think of you.
12/20/15

I admit,
I was afraid
to love.
Not just love,
but to love her.
For she was a stunning
mystery. She carried things
deep inside her that no one
has yet to understand,
and I,
I was afraid to fail,
like the others.

She was the ocean
and I was just a boy
who loved the waves
but was completely
terrified to
swim.

I CAN HEAR MY OWN HEARTBEAT
AND IT MAKES ME INSANELY LONELY
BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HEAR YOURS.

OH BOY AM I SAD.
NO ONE REALIZES HOW CLOSE I AM TO KILLING MYSELF.
PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG AND I TELL THEM THAT
I'M JUST HAVING A BAD DAY
WHEN IN FACT
I'M HAVING A BAD WEEK,
BAD MONTH,
BAD YEAR,
BAD LIFE.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN WEEKS,
THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE HEAVIER THAN MY BOOK BAG.
BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE MY GRADES ARE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN MY MENTAL HEALTH, RIGHT?
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE PAIN I FEEL AND
I CAN'T EVEN ******* EXPLAIN IT.
**** **** **** ****
WHY WON'T SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MY WORST ENEMY?
WHY WON'T SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF?
OH BOY AM I SAD.

maybe i wanna hold your hand
and kiss your lips.
maybe i wanna wake up to your face
and fall asleep in your arms.
maybe i wanna go on cute dates
and maybe i want you to spontaneously
show up at my door step.
maybe you are my first thought when i
awake and
maybe you are my last thought when i fall
asleep.
maybe i want to talk about society and
politics and why we are even here on this
massive universe in the first place.
maybe i just wanna be yours.
12/22/15

you are the reason for my uncontrollable laughter.
you are the reason for the smiles that cause my cheeks to hurt.
you are the reason for my heart racing at an unreasonable rate.
you are the reason for the butterflies in my stomach.
you are the reason for my happiness.
you are my everything.