you were different
i let myself feel things that i normally don't
you said things you shouldn't have
and when i ask you about them, you get annoyed
or say you don't want to think about it
"love you mia, i always will," you say
yet you're still with her
"i would go crazy if i couldn't have you as a friend,"
yet you are perfectly fine on the days we don't speak
you said you dreamt about us cuddling and that it felt amazing
you also said that when you dream about her,
they're never as good
and yet i still see you in the halls
holding hands with her,
hugging her,
kissing her
that really ******* hurts.
regardless, i would still give you another chance
and maybe that's my own problem, but it's true
i tend to put walls up
and as hard as i tried to not let them fall,
you broke through them
you.
people don't typically show romantic interest in me
so when you did, it scared me
i have a bad fear of people leaving
but i told myself that you were different
i don't really know why
maybe it's because you make me laugh like no one else does
maybe it's because the way you say my name
or maybe it's because i could see us being together for a long time
maybe because you give me a sense of hope
i don't know what is but you make me feel like i have a real chance of being happy
i wish you would've given us a real chance
and as frustrated as i am,
i'm still hoping that you'll give us a chance one day
you met her parents this past weekend
i wonder how it went
part of me wants to be happy for you
but another part of me hopes that it doesn't work out
so that the likelihood of us being together increases
i know it's wrong,
that if i really care about you i should just want you to be happy
but i can't help but feel jealous
it's like i was just something you could play with
whenever you were bored,
or lonely
but no more
and to think
i thought that i was falling in love with you
you were supposed to be different.

WHY DO I LIKE YOU SO MUCH
WHY ARE YOU ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY
WHY MUST YOUR LAUGH BE SO ****** cUtE
WHY MUST YOUR SMILE LiGHt uP MY LIFE
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
WHY DON'T YOU FEEL THE SAME ABOUT ME.

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

maybe i wanna hold your hand
and kiss your lips.
maybe i wanna wake up to your face
and fall asleep in your arms.
maybe i wanna go on cute dates
and maybe i want you to spontaneously
show up at my door step.
maybe you are my first thought when i
awake and
maybe you are my last thought when i fall
asleep.
maybe i want to talk about society and
politics and why we are even here on this
massive universe in the first place.
maybe i just wanna be yours.
12/22/15

beautiful.
sweet.
kind.
loving.
cute.
handsome.
adorable.
understanding.
re­liable.
these are a few of the many words that
pop into my head when i think of you.
12/20/15

i don't really know why i miss you so ******* much.
i don't really know why you are all i ever ******* think about.
i don't really know why it still hurts.
i don't really know why i still love you.
i don't really know why i still care about you.
i don't really know why i still want you.

i should hate you.
you broke my heart,
you ******* tore me apart.

i think i'll always love and think about you,
regardless of how much it hurts.