Don't pull this self sacrificing ******* with me.
Leaving me behind is not whats best for me
So let those words rattle in your brain
As long as you know they are a lie.
You always say I can't lie to you
You know me too well
But you seem to forget that
Knowledge works both ways.
So let me just put this out there
When you sigh
There is trouble
Because the weather forecast calls for tears
And false words falling from your mouth
Like hale.
And I catch them in my eyelashes like snowflakes
Not nearly grasping the immensity
Of the hurt about to ensue.
You are doing this for you
Which is fine
Just own up to your selfish ways
And self centered tactics
And we will all be fine.

My writing is a pool of unattainable thoughts
Trying to find explanations where there are none.
I wouldn't expect you to understand because I don't myself
And
Like my words
I am floating aimlessly
Because my goals are unreachable
And my dreams are undesirable
Closing my eyes
And catching flies
Will only get me as far
As their wings can take me.
I am forever glued
To the spot you left me in
When you told me you'd see me again soon.
Lies.
All lies.
Liar.
I was warned and I continued because
I trusted in the man
Who I thought had
The heart of gold.
I was right
You do have a heart of gold
But it makes you greedy
You concentrate on how your happiness
Is immensely more important than
The people who loved you
And I say I understand
And I plead others to have reason
But I have limitations
And you are testing my tolerance
And your balance
Because
Trust me
The tightrope your walking on
Has two ends
And I am only holding one.

Every firework reminds me of you.
But everything reminds me of you
So I guess that isn't so special.  
But what can I do?
You keep me trailing behind you
Like a lost puppy
When I always thought I was the one
Guiding you.
You asked me how I love you
In what way do I
And I couldn't tell you honestly
Because I'm not entirely certain
But my times up.
I had my two weeks of peace
But the flame is back
And your just a moth flying blindly
To a false warmth
Of someone who is in love
Just not with you.

Why cant the world see what I see in myself
The age old question that
No matter how hard you try to fake it
You have asked yourself
Every time the leaves started changing without you
And before you know it the snow is falling
But no friends are calling "you-who"
Outside your window
Because they never quite paid attention
To which one was mine
And social interactions were never my thing
I always do the wrong thing
And I wish I could say
"With you it didn't matter
Because you always made me feel normal
And loved"
But that would be a lie
And no one does that anymore
So why start now
Why fluff up your ego
And tell you what you want to hear
So you can use it as a boost
In other endeavors
That have never included me
I'm the sign on the highway
Covered with black cloth
Because the sign wasn't useful anymore
But no one cared enough to take it down

I try to act like what you say doesn't effect
Who I am or what I do
But it does

I was foolish to think that things ever
Change
It is always the same
The only thing that changes is seasons
I thought the north would help
A change of scenery
A change of pace
A change of color
A change of seasons
Maybe a change in the way I see my life
Or in the way life sees me
But I was wrong
Nothing changes

I'm getting to that place where this feels necessary again
Where my need for validation
Runs higher than my self worth
And I need someone to tell me I'm right
To tell me I'm good
To tell me I'm acceptable
And not in a passive way
I'm done being passive
You tell me what's good for me
And you go off and betray the only one who ever loved you
And that not me
And he's too far away to notice
But the six hour drive is nothing to him
Cause then he gets to see you
And you're giving him up for someone a thirty second walk away
Selfish
You have the world on a string
But that's not enough
You need to cosmos too
And I thought I was done with all this
But it's becoming more and more evident that
It never ends
The stupidity never ends
The selfishness never ends
The greed
It never ends
And for me
Second place is all I get
I am perpetually wearing that blue ribbon
I try to hide it from new faces
Because it forces me to take off my mask
Which is probably see-threw anyway
Cause I've never been able to trick people for very long
They all seem to come to the same conclusion eventually
And when they do
I'm left
Sitting alone
Wondering what I could have done better
Id like to say the answer is nothing
That I did all I could
That they're all ******
And some day you'll find people who actually like you
But those words are more tired than the socks left on the handles
That will never be clean again

I believe what my ears hear
What my eyes see
And what my hands touch
So here's what I believe:
Your voice soothes like no other sound
It floats on the air
And even when you are saying
The most douchbaggy phrases
You make them sound poetic
And graceful.
I believe you're beautiful
And no matter how many times I deny it
The state of you is constant and shinning
And so beautiful
It brings me to tears.
You're soft.
And warm.
And strong.
And you make me feel protected when you hold me.
As if
Even if we were about to be murdered
I would feel as if nothing was wrong.
And that's what's wrong.

I always said you looked good in that color but I never knew you listened
And I'll place rose petals on your scars
Until you believe that they
Are just as beautiful as the rest of you.

What if the world didn't circle you?
What if, just maybe
There were greater forces moving us along?
We are just atoms
Held together by paper cuts and splinters
That we were too afraid to tell our mom about.
We are the same
So don't pretend like anything you do
Is superior to everything I do
Because
Unlike you
I do not wallow in misfortune
Or blame anyone else for my spilled milk
And these will always be my problems
That you were too busy
To care about
Because you are chasing a future
That you don't want.
We are just people
And the tape you used to showcase your pride
Doesn't make you more
It just makes you a sad little man
With a handful of opportunities
When all you can do is
Steal those chances from others
Even though no one has threatened to take yours
And you believe that no one could
But the day will come when you will fall
And someone will steal one of those opportunities
You thought you had a lifetime to achieve
And I will be there to watch
And catch
And stabilize
And throw my darts at the people who thought they could hurt you
Because I want you to know
That I am there for you
Even when it's not a full circle

I continue to wear sweaters in the summer
To shield myself from you
To protect my skin from your light
Because you are my Sun
Though I wish you were my Moon
Because I can't hide from the Sun.
I can avoid daylight as much as I want
But even at night
The Moon is a reminder of your existence.
If only you were nocturnal
Then maybe I wouldn't be afraid of the day time hours
Maybe I would be able to lay in the grass
And smell the summer
But I guess
Instead
I will sit in the darkness
And smell the smoke
And see nothing
See nothing but the Moon
See nothing but a constant reminder
Of you
And how you shine light on everything you touch
See nothing but whispers
Of dreams long forgotten
From hearts long ago broken
See nothing but nothingness
The miles and miles of nothingness
That I still have to drive through
To reach my happiness
Which ran away long ago.

I wouldn't be the only one to say: without music I'm nothing.
But that's not really true
because I gave up on music and you gave up on me
even before I knew I was something you had to give up.
I would never tell you this
but I love the way you sing
even when it's not to me
but especially when it is
you make me feel special
and part of me wishes you'd just stop
and realize that being nice to me
makes it hurt more
but I bet
being mean to me would hurt the most
and its not like I want you to stop talking to me
so I guess pain is the way to go
and I'll stick with happy pain
I haven't cried for you
(if you don't count yesterday)
and I wont
(if you don't count today)
and I don't count those
because
I'm not crying because I love you
I'm crying because I love the old you
and he comes back in glimpses
but he's not here to stay
and every time he leaves
he takes a piece of my soul with him.
So wear me down to nothing
see if I care
you can take every piece if me
just as long
as i know
I will see
the old you
again
soon

And I know you didn't mean anything by it
But you said it
and I guess I was wondering if it could mean something again
Because the second you said it you gave me permission to say it too
But I haven't
You gave me permission to feel it
Though i prayed to God I wouldn't
Every night I prayed
And it worked for a while
But then you said it
And you can't take it back
And i hope you wouldn't want to
But I'm afraid i would if I said this:
I like you
I like you a lot
I guess I just never knew it
I guess I never realized that all those times you asked me who
Or said I need someone
You meant more
And it may not matter now
You've moved on
And I helped
But I wish I could take it back
I wish I never helped
I wish I had realized sooner
I wish you hadn't listened to your friends
But it's too late
The moments past
And I get it
That's what I should say
Instead I just say:
I love you too much to like you
And I think I'm broken hearted
And I know I'll move on
But I hope I never forget you
You can't just say those things and expect nothing to happen
I know I promised to never feel this way
But I'm not so sure if I can follow through
We had conversations discussing why it would never happen
How we both feel the same way
But what if I was lying
What if you're beautiful and I just can't tell you
I know what to do
Turn up the music and turn down the feelings
The problem is. I'm running out of songs that don't remind me of you
My world is divided
Half say "yay"
Half say "nay"
All say "I told you so"
But I don't know what I want
That doesn't matter anymore
The door is closed
The page is turned
And any other cliche about things being over
Because you'll never know
And I'll never tell you
And you'll never read this
because as far as you know
I love you too much to like you

O' bright one, tell me of the stars
Tell me about the songs each one sang to you
Whisper to me the secrets of the sky
Of the darkness you encountered
But of how there is light in the darkness
So you knew you'd never be completely lost.
Write me bed time stories of your adventures through Saturn's ring's
And the craters of the moon.
Tell me of how the face there was carved by you
In honor of the life you've left in a black hole
Somewhere in the depths of space.
Speak to me of the immensity of the universe
And how it only makes you feel larger
Because you got to witness it all from your flying machine.
Tell me of the crystal flowers you picked
In a meadow lightyears  away on a planet like earth
Only the grass is purples and the sky is orange
And the people are happy.
Dear Traveler, Tell me of the wine you drank
With the kings of far off galaxies
And tell me what you told them of earth.
Help me picture the waters you swam in with the beautiful mermaids that lead you astray
But remind me of how you don't care because you got a good story out of it.
Tell me of all the mistakes you are happy you made
Because the stars never judged you
And the planets never abandoned you.
Tell me of the people you met and the lives you changed
Because someone touched by light cant help but shed it on other people.
Tell me of the times you danced all night
Because a young maiden with three heads
Was just too much for you to resist.
Tell me of the field of glass hearts you had to walk through
To get to where you are now.
And then
Blessed One,
Tell me why any of it matters.