If you wanted me to hold it all in
Then you got your wish
And I never want to hear another word
Escape from your lips
If you wanted me broken then
Be happy cause I finally shattered
I've made bad choices and listened to the voices
That told me nothing mattered
If you wanted me to feel pain
And let the pain drip away
Then maybe you would have noticed
That it's your fault I don't stay
The scares are finally starting to fade
When you have to suddenly start to replay
All I've done
And the fights you've won
The stars are slowly dying
And I'm through with trying.
All the people who lie
All the stories I buy
Are the reasons for the nights
I wish I wasn't here.
And I'm done pretending
For the sake of you
I'm done acting
Like I care for you
When I say that I love you
Just know it's not true
And tonight when it starts again
Know I'll be thinking of you.
You wanted me
Well now you've got me

I was proud of you
But you ruined that
You promised you wouldn't change again
But you broke that
And it makes me wonder
What else you could break...
I made a habit of not blaming you
Of giving you an out
But that's done.
I'm to blame
You're to blame
Maybe everyone's to blame
But I don't care about everyone
I care about you
And I care about me
And I care about the fact that
Nothing will ever happen.

Everyone wears a mask
Though yours is beautiful and hard
You aren't as skilled as you think.
I can see the pain in the one place the mask doesn't cover
Your eyes tell the tales of nights gone too long on the street
And fights gone too rough with daddy dearest
And I wish I could protect you from the hurt
But you revel in it.
You use your pain as an excuse for all your actions
And I let you.
I encourage it.
I blame them as well.
The world hasn't been fair to you
But you haven't been fair to the world
Did you give all you could?
Try your hardest?
No.
You gave the amount of effort you thought would make you cool.
That might have worked
But look where we are now.
You tried just about as hard
As a peacock tries to fly
When I know you could soar.
You are just consumed with yourself.
You show off your tail
And watch people run in the other direction.
All I wanted was to see you fly.
You couldn't even do that.
So I'm leaving without you
I'm flying high and leaving you behind.
The view of the sunset from earth might be beautiful
But the view from up here
Is infinitely better
Partly because you aren't here
Mostly because I can still see you
From the sky.

I feel like all I ever say is sorry
Well I'm sorry
But I'm done apologizing
For what I am
I'm not my sister
And that kills you
But little did you know
That kills me too
I want to be someone you are proud of
But I won't be someone that I am not
You make me want to indulge in a bottle
And sometimes I do
You make me want to inhale your hate
I usually do
You make me want to rip off me skin
And I always do.
You get what you give
Right?
If you can take it you can dish it
Right?
Well I can give it and I can dish it
But the question is
Can you?
Cause up until now
I have been reserved
And not shared how I really feel
And masked it with feelings you would fine acceptable
But I have come to the conclusion
That I am not acceptable
And I don't care
Cause in no world
Will you ever be close to
Mediocre

4:00 am
And you know
I keep the volume up on my phone
Just in case you call.
Even change my ringtone
Before I go to sleep
To something that will wake me up.
It's stupid.
I know.
But I do it because
No matter what time it is
I always want to be talking to you.

It kills me to know
that you'll never care for me
the way you do for her.
it rips my heart out when
you talk to me in the hallway
but its worse
when you look straight through me.
I want to hate you for loving her better
but that's not fair
because I'm not sure if you loved me in the first place.
If I stopped talking to you
would you send me
late night messages reading
I miss us.
when we were never together?
no.
because we did stop talking
but it was the other way around.
you ignored me
for weeks
and i played it cool
and pretended like i didn't care
when all i did was compare myself
to her
or her
or her or her
or any other girl you seemed to care more for.
I think you are just comfortable
in our relationship
knowing someone will always be there for you
might make you feel as if
they don't need you too
but I need you
and i will need you
and right now i need you to stop ******* up.
you said you would do it for her
and you said you never listened to her
and you commonly say things
that contradict
the previous sentence
but i was willing to accept those things
and you were willing to accept me
for all my flaws
and God knows there's many
too bad we just couldn't feel that way at the same time
cause i know together
we would have been great
and i wouldn't have tried to change you
but i guess you just fall for girls
that will never accept you.

I believe what my ears hear
What my eyes see
And what my hands touch
So here's what I believe:
Your voice soothes like no other sound
It floats on the air
And even when you are saying
The most douchbaggy phrases
You make them sound poetic
And graceful.
I believe you're beautiful
And no matter how many times I deny it
The state of you is constant and shinning
And so beautiful
It brings me to tears.
You're soft.
And warm.
And strong.
And you make me feel protected when you hold me.
As if
Even if we were about to be murdered
I would feel as if nothing was wrong.
And that's what's wrong.

I've gotten in my bed
Expelled you from my mind
And you creep back in
Just like the scent of you
Making your way to my lungs.
I don't know where it came from
And I wish it would go away
And I'm scared to think
That I will wake up
Smelling you too
The only person who should do that
Is whoever is in your bed this morning

It's just an embrace.
but when you think about it
it's not even that.
Its just two bodies
coming together
for warmth.

But today was the hottest day so far.

Something about the way
your arms fit perfectly around my back
or how my arms effortlessly rap around your shoulders
or how my head and your chin fit like puzzle pieces
makes me question
if it was really
just a hug

I've always been good at falling
but I never really stuck the landing.
I was hoping
this time
you'd be my White Knight
dressed in all black
I was hoping
this time
I wouldn't have to land.
I wanted to be caught
but I slipped through your hands
and into this poem

I get it now
Why they call it a crush
Because my heart is crumbled
Like the Coke can in your hand
You didn't mean to
You didn't know I gave it to you
You clenched a fist without thinking
I don't blame you
I know you've felt this way
And caused this pain before
I can feel my stomach
In ways I never thought I would
It's beating like a heart
Maybe because
My heart never beats
Only pounds
And only when I see you
I love when you hug me
But hate when you let go
Because when you hold me
You carry me above the world
But when you let go
I fall

I wouldn't be the only one to say: without music I'm nothing.
But that's not really true
because I gave up on music and you gave up on me
even before I knew I was something you had to give up.
I would never tell you this
but I love the way you sing
even when it's not to me
but especially when it is
you make me feel special
and part of me wishes you'd just stop
and realize that being nice to me
makes it hurt more
but I bet
being mean to me would hurt the most
and its not like I want you to stop talking to me
so I guess pain is the way to go
and I'll stick with happy pain
I haven't cried for you
(if you don't count yesterday)
and I wont
(if you don't count today)
and I don't count those
because
I'm not crying because I love you
I'm crying because I love the old you
and he comes back in glimpses
but he's not here to stay
and every time he leaves
he takes a piece of my soul with him.
So wear me down to nothing
see if I care
you can take every piece if me
just as long
as i know
I will see
the old you
again
soon

And I know you didn't mean anything by it
But you said it
and I guess I was wondering if it could mean something again
Because the second you said it you gave me permission to say it too
But I haven't
You gave me permission to feel it
Though i prayed to God I wouldn't
Every night I prayed
And it worked for a while
But then you said it
And you can't take it back
And i hope you wouldn't want to
But I'm afraid i would if I said this:
I like you
I like you a lot
I guess I just never knew it
I guess I never realized that all those times you asked me who
Or said I need someone
You meant more
And it may not matter now
You've moved on
And I helped
But I wish I could take it back
I wish I never helped
I wish I had realized sooner
I wish you hadn't listened to your friends
But it's too late
The moments past
And I get it
That's what I should say
Instead I just say:
I love you too much to like you
And I think I'm broken hearted
And I know I'll move on
But I hope I never forget you
You can't just say those things and expect nothing to happen
I know I promised to never feel this way
But I'm not so sure if I can follow through
We had conversations discussing why it would never happen
How we both feel the same way
But what if I was lying
What if you're beautiful and I just can't tell you
I know what to do
Turn up the music and turn down the feelings
The problem is. I'm running out of songs that don't remind me of you
My world is divided
Half say "yay"
Half say "nay"
All say "I told you so"
But I don't know what I want
That doesn't matter anymore
The door is closed
The page is turned
And any other cliche about things being over
Because you'll never know
And I'll never tell you
And you'll never read this
because as far as you know
I love you too much to like you